Backwards Walking

I sometimes encounter backward walking people.   And I’m talking full-speed backward walking, here.  Typically, there’s a forward walking person behind the backward walking person and they’re carrying on a conversation.   A modified version of this backward walking phenomenon is the person who technically walks forward, but all the while looking over his shoulder to a person walking behind him.   I can only assume that in both cases their conversation requires uninterrupted eye contact.  The result is a public version of the team building “trust fall” exercise.  I usually try to move to the side to avoid colliding with the backward facing walker, but sometimes (and true to the enabler in me) I simply mutter "excuse me" for having forward walked into his backward path, and effectively “catch” him in his trust fall.

The Bathroom Visitor

Sometimes when I’m in a public bathroom someone knocks at the door.  I have pretty good communication skills, but that moment usually catches me embarrassed and at a loss for a proper way to respond.  I’m not sure why I feel so awkward in this situation, but “yes” or “here” or “present” is all I can normally muster as a reply.  I wish I could just say, “I’m in here going to the bathroom.” which, although seemingly blatantly obvious, would be an honest and more informative answer, so the person knocking knows the locked door and my occupation of the room is legitimate.  I’ve also considered, “Who is it?” and “Come on in.”  While both are tempting, they seem a bit sarcastic.  So, having given this quite a bit of thought, I’ve decided that for me going forward, the most accurate, responsible and appropriate response will be, “Hi.  I’m almost done, but I’d still give it at least 30 minutes.”

Fancy Cheese Lessons

Sometimes a really good friend gives you fancy cheese as a gift, even though they know you aren’t fancy. Then, maybe you don’t realize until the first bite that it’s covered in fancy wax. Then, even though you’re by yourself, and with some embarrassment, you probably discretely and gently remove the wax and continue to eat the rest of the non-wax cheese in a sort of quiet but apologetic silence. In that moment you realize that eating fancy cheese requires extra care in case it’s coated with some kind of protection your normal non-fancy cheese doesn’t have. And then you realize, eating cheese will never again be the simple pleasure you once knew.

Moments With A Dog

[Editor’s note:  The following accounts are both true   Further, they describe events with the same dog.  And, despite the natural flow, the two moments captured here occurred months apart.  Propriety prohibits me from divulging any additional information.]

 

·         The dog did what I told her to, and so without really thinking I said, “Thank you.” For a moment we just sort of looked at each other in awkward silence, and then she went back to licking her leg. I think in her heart she knew nothing had really changed for her.

 

·         After a while, and with gentle encouragement from me and a bunch of frantic sniffing for the right spot by her, the old dog finally pooped. “Good Girl!”, I cheered. She side glanced me, trying to be nonchalant, but clearly pretty proud of her newly birthed loaf. As the sun set on the poo and dew-kissed backyard, we slowly retired to the house, ready for a milkbone and whisky toast to her latest triumph.

Memorial Day Observations: A Re-tread from 2012

Editor Disclosure:

This is re-post from 2012. 

My Sincere Thanks to the Fallen who gave so much and the families they left behind.

 

Sounds from the Memorial Day Parade

• ·         Do you want to sit with Dakota?  Do you want a juice box?  Do you want to stand with Uncle Rusty? Don’t throw things.  Rusty, let her stand with you.  I can’t see.  I told you to go before we left.  I can’t see.  Do you see a bathroom around here?  There’s nothing to see yet.  Watch that way for the flags.  Do you need sunscreen?  I think they’re starting.  Does she need sunscreen?  I have sunscreen.  Can you see them?  Do you want to sit with Grandma?  Do you want to take a walk with Uncle Rusty?  You move again, and you’re done.  I think I see them.  I said don’t throw things.  I can’t see.  They only throw the candy to their friends.  I don’t have gum, ask Grandma.  Mom, do you have gum for her?  Can you see the fire truck? Over here!!!  Dakota, give the baby one of those smarties.  Where’s Dakota’s other flip-flop?  Did you bring the chips?  Dakota, where’s your other flip-flop?  Put a hat on the baby.  I can’t see.  We didn’t come here to eat.  Don’t walk on the blanket.  Where did you get that water bottle?  Where did she get that water bottle?  She’s right in the sun; put a hat on the baby.  I love the bagpipes.  They sound awful.  I can’t see.  Mom, take that from her, I have no idea where she got it.  I have the sunscreen.  Sit down.  I can’t see.  Janie’s in the band.  Don’t put that in your mouth.  What does she play?  I can’t see.  JANIE!!!  Wave to Janie.  JANIE!!! Sit down.  They sound great.  Sit on the curb.  That poor kid looks so hot; it’s like 90 in the sun.  Pick a place and sit.  Don’t throw things.  I can’t see.  Quit squirming or get down.  Sit next to Dakota.  Dakota, let her sit next to you.  Stop kicking or you’ll have to get down.  I can’t see.  Don’t step on the juice box.  Are you done with your juice?  Is that it?  Do you see more lights?  I think that’s it.  That was short.

Observations from the Memorial Day Parade

• ·         Marching bands probably sound great mostly because you only hear them for 40 seconds.

• ·         The theme song from Hawaii Five-0 is the coolest tune a Junior High band can play. 

• ·         Most of the guys in the bagpipe band don’t look like they’re used to walking  that far.  If you scheduled your funeral on a parade route, you could save money on the bagpiper.  The guy with the big scepter/baton thing that leads the band is like a Drum Major or something, but he’s also probably the suckiest bagpiper.

• ·         People arrive late and expect that there will still be curb space left.

• ·         People arrive early and think they can reserve the whole curb for everyone they know.

• ·         I hope that the emergency responders who march look kind of out of shape because the more fit ones are back at the station ready for action.

• ·         The common denominator uniform piece of a parade marcher is black slacks.  Some try to get away with wearing navy, but they aren’t fooling anyone.

• ·          Veterans should be able to march in tee shirts and shorts.  They’ve given enough, no reason to make them march in wool.

• ·         The dog with the shortest legs in the world (dachshund) is a strange choice for a parade dog marching club.  The dogs keep looking at their owners as if to say, “REALLY?”

• ·         The marching dachshunds got more applause than the Korean War Vets did. 

• ·         I bet some of the people driving the radio station vehicles are announcers.  It has to suck to be kind of famous but totally unrecognizable to your fans. 

Motivation, Gym Farts, Puppy Training, Bird Baths, Citronella, etc.

                                         Lower achieving people need motivation, too

·         So I’m sitting on my porch watching a cute young couple walk by with their adorable black lab kind of puppy. He’s on this fishing reel type leash, and they’re delighting as he runs 15 or 20 feet up on to each of my neighbors’ lawns, leaving his little adorable baby lab contributions (so cute!). So I think, if I cared enough to talk to them, I might say… “perhaps you guys should train the little guy on a shorter leash, so he learns to not pee and crap on peoples’ doorsteps. Oh, and please carry a plastic bag with you, so you can pick up his ca-ca. Oh, and yeah, also please never have human babies.”

·         Hey, guy with the earbuds and tunes cranking at the gym just now, the farts you thought you were sneaking were totally loud for the rest of us.

·         I’m grateful when the evening news weather guy reports that there will be heavy clouds overnight, thus giving me the opportunity to change my plans.

·         So I’m sitting on my porch and I notice this adorable little bird flipping around in the sand by my sidewalk. As I watch him I realize that he is taking a sand bath! Inventive bird hygiene! Genius! I watch for several minutes, smiling and chuckling, fascinated by his ingenuity, amazed by this phenomenon of nature. Then I notice that he is the only bird flipping in the sand, and that there are a bunch of other birds sitting on my hedge, sort of just watching him, and a couple of them, I swear, are rolling their eyes at him.  Then I realize that he is insane.  A couple of them are looking at me too, I’m pretty sure, judging me as an idiot for thinking I am observing a wonder of nature.  Obviously, I get pretty embarrassed, but mostly pissed.  “You can’t bathe in dirt, you stupid freakin’ bird!”, I shout, trying in vain to reverse their collective opinion of me, “get the hell out of my yard!”uple of them, I swear, are rolling their eyes at him. Then I realize that he is insane. A couple of them are looking at me too, I’m pretty sure, judging me as an idiot for thinking I am observing a wonder of nature. Obviously, I get pretty embarrassed, but mostly pissed. “You can’t bathe in dirt, you stupid freakin’ bird”, I shout, trying in vain to reverse their collective opinion of me, “get the hell out of my yard!”

·         So my neighbor's walking by as I sit on my porch, and he asks, "what you got burning there?" and I say, "citronella torch", and he says, "but there aren't any bugs out!" and I say, "you're welcome."

Be-Headings in The Workplace, High Alert Status, Porch Reflections, etc.

·         I guess if you’re a criminal forensic psychologist or FBI profiler person, it’d be important to know what led a guy to kill and behead his co-worker.  It’d probably help you understand how to track and thwart future would-be be-headers.  I think that the rest of the folks who are so interested in the “why would he kill and be-head his co-worker?” reasons  probably know the answer but hope it’s not true, or maybe a small percentage could even picture themselves doing the same thing on a really bad day at work.  Whether the guy killed and be-headed his co-worker because he’s connected to a larger global network of be-headers, or if he just was inspired by what he’s heard they’ve done, and whether he shouted a prayer of exultation during or after the be-heading or not, I don’t think the term “workplace violence” is an accurate or strong enough descriptor for this behavior.  Perhaps if people start stoning co-workers, we’ll rethink the definition.

 

·         We keep hearing about how our nation is on high alert, and I guess that’s a good thing generally, and especially considering the tumult around the world.  But it’s pretty disturbing that in this past month several news stories have come and gone, with hardly a word connecting them to larger security issues.  A Tennessee youth detention center has experienced three successful and violent “prison breaks” by several of its inmates.   Then several Afghani nationals, in Cape Cod for military training (apparently the Cape is known for its Middle East-like desert and mountain terrain), managed to walk away (to the Canadian border) supposedly in an effort to defect.  Then a couple of “troubled souls” managed to breach White House security to the point where one of them actually made it inside before being tackled by security.  Also, I haven’t heard about any systemic resolution to the unchecked influx of Central American children across the Texas border.  Was that “immigration crisis” taken care of and I missed it?  Anyway, how much higher would our national level of alert need to be to protect us from these seemingly boneheaded security failures, much less those coordinated by organized and well-funded organizations looking to hurt us?

 

·         On A Lighter Note:

As I sat on my porch at about dusk one evening, a group of three people, all wearing sunglasses, silently walked by my house.   It occurred to me all of the sudden, “wow, it’s really been a looong time since I smoked pot.”