New Year's Eve Food and Drink FAQs

Another glorious year is drawing to a close, and I know that a lot of you will be celebrating tonight.  I hope that you all have a great time, and find the tips below helpful as you ring in 2013.

                         New Year’s Eve Food and Drink FAQs:

Q: What wine goes best with shots of Sambuca? 

A: Riesling.

 

Q: What’s the best snack to serve with chocolate peppermint vodka? 

A: Jalapeno and Garlic Pizza rolls.

 

Q: I’m not much of a drinker, but I want to fit in at the New Year’s Eve party I’m attending tonight.  Suggestions?

A: I recommend rum and cokes.  They taste great, and the sugary cola will give you energy and keep you going long after you should have stopped drinking.

 

Q: Times are hard.  What’s a good recipe for a tasty and zippy wine punch on a tight budget?

A: Mix 2 bottles of MD 20/20, two bottles of dollar store Benadryl, and a two liter bottle of generic ginger ale in a punch bowl or similar-sized bucket.  Add ice and enjoy!

 

                    Bonus Tips: 

• If you find yourself throwing up tonight, you probably just got a bad beer or hors d'oeuvre or maybe you are coming down with the flu; you should take some Theraflu, put on a sweater, and switch to mixed drinks at that point.  If it takes you a while to secure the Theraflu and find a sweater, pound the first couple of cocktails to catch up.

• Don’t fool yourself that you’re calorie counting tonight.  You blew it in 2012, and you’re wearing pants with an elastic waistband.  Eat all the dip you want, Tubby.

 

                                 Happy New Year, Everyone!  See you next year!   Salud!

Snow Leopards, Reindeer, Squirrels, etc.

·         If I was an Atheist, I’d keep it to myself until Christmas day.  Then, once I’d opened all of my presents, I’d jump up and exclaim “HAH!, THANKS FOR THE FREE PRESENTS, SUCKERS!!!”, and out the door I’d go, arms full.  Of course, each year I’d need to find new friends.

·         I watched a show about snow leopards on PBS; it was really good.  The narrator said that in a very rare occurrence, a natural genetic aberration causes a snow leopard cub to be born with the species’ natural yellow with black spots fur, instead of being snow white.  Although they didn’t admit it in the show, I bet when this happens, at some point there’s a gathering of the other lady snow leopards, and one of them says, “she’s not fooling anyone with that mutation story”.

·         Reindeer names Santa considered but rejected: 

Dander, Spritzer,  Retsyn, Coitus, Nixon, Hummus, Tutti and Chunder.

·         There are a bunch of squirrels in my area, and it’s always kind of sad when one gets hit by a car.  I try to make the best of it.  If I see one of the little lifeless guys in the street, I make sure no one is watching, and then put a tiny pair of dark sunglasses on him.  Later, folks walking by will see him and smile in wonder and contemplate how the heck that squirrel ever got a little pair of sunglasses.  Maybe, they’ll think, he was famous.  Or maybe, they’ll think, he got hit by a car because he was blind.

·         I think 12/12/12 deserved better attention and excitement than we gave it.  And at 12:12a, admit it, you were either asleep and missed it, or maybe you were awake and simply said "cool".   No parties, no champagne toasts, no chips and dip.  Sorry 12/12/12, you just weren’t THAT special.

·         So I spend the whole week acting all superior, mocking every Mayan I see, and then I realize that the calendar in my kitchen ends December 31, 2012, so they were only off by 10 days.  I’m feeling pretty embarrassed right now.

·         Some of you have probably been watching the original Miracle on 34^th Street movie all month.  There’s a really cute scene where Kris Kringle sings a song with a little adopted Dutch girl.  Young Susan watches the little girl and Kris interact in Dutch, and begins to believe he really is Santa.

The title of the song is "Sinterklaas." The lyrics from the movie are ...

Sinterklaas kapoentje,
Gooi wat in mijn schoentje,
Gooi wat in mijn laarsje,
Dank u, Sinterklaasje.

  I have used Google Translator to learn what the song means.

Santa Claus give me stuff

Go ahead and give me stuff

Go ahead and don’t be a tightwad

Thank you, Santa Claus.

 

                          Merry Christmas, Everyone.

The Great Toddler Snack Debate, Coveting, etc.

·         The first few times I heard the expression “Mad Skills” I thought the person was saying, “Math Skills”.  “He sure has math skills”, or “I have math skills”.  Because the context of the comment usually had nothing to do with math, I would be confused, but wouldn’t question it, because I figured I was missing something.  I’d just nod and smile, embarrassed.  Now that I know the expression is “Mad Skills” and not “Math Skills”, it all makes much more sense to me, and I heartily agree, with knowing enthusiasm and unbound admiration.

·         The TV show Glee has moved into its desperate “Next Generation” phase, like when Potsie and Fonzie became high school teachers and when the Brady kids got married. 

·         Now that the term “fiscal cliff” is being used so much, it’s pretty funny to hear how many people, even smart ones, are saying “physical cliff” instead.  It’s also curious to me that the error seems to be universally excused, like when people say “nuculer”.

·         I think it would be so strange to look out my window see a big pile of bird seed in my front yard, with a sign next to it that said “free bird seed”.    There’s no way I’d go check it out, what with all the anvil violence I’m hearing about.

·         At the mall the other day, a crowd of us gathered, clapping and cheering as we watched a guy who was dancing Gangnam style.  Man, he was really good.  Then suddenly somebody realized he was actually just choking on a tater tot.  The clapping and cheering continued through the successful application of the Heimlich maneuver (that Target Manager had mad skills) and then as the paramedics took him away.  It reminded me of that time at a keg party in college when we watched the asthmatic kid do the Worm.

·         I know that this is a controversial position, but I think that coveting shouldn’t even be a thing.  The problem with coveting is that if you actively try to avoid it, you’ve already failed.  I also think that anybody who admits to coveting deserves what they get.  If someone asks me if I covet, I’d look them right in the eye and say “nope”, even if I was totally coveting at that very moment.  No way am I falling for that trap.

·         Nobody wants to talk about this, but when it comes to dealing with toddlers, there are Cheerios parents and there are Kix parents.  I think you can’t argue that Kix parents are risk takers; why would you purposefully give a baby a snack that rolls, not to mention that it’s exactly a little bit smaller than the size of the kid’s nostrils?  There is a subset of Kix-oriented parents who just throw all caution to the wind and add cocoa puffs to the mix.  It’s just totally irresponsible, if you ask me.  Clearly, the Cheerios folks are setting their kids up for success and lower cholesterol; and even though Cheerios are round, they’re manageable.  You’ve probably guessed that I have a Cheerios bias.  I just think that Kix teaches babies bad lessons.  I bet you could do a study (I’d start with subjects in a prison or maybe on a cruise ship) and determine differences in the adult outcomes in the personalities of the children raised by these respective types.  Some parents probably mix Cheerios and Kix together, in a dangerous and confusing game of pacification without rules. I say, make up your mind and stick with your decision, create some boundaries.   And don’t even get me started on the Goldfish and Oyster cracker debate, or we’ll be here all night.

Things of that nature and Sounds from Thanksgiving

·        A lot of people say “and things of that nature” as a replacement for “and so on” or “and stuff” or “or whatever” at the end of sentences.  I think that adding “and things of that nature” makes the person sound smart and whatever the person is saying sound way more important and scientific than “and stuff” would.

·  Several times a week I mistakenly think that I’m really in my wheelhouse.  I look around, embarrassed, hoping nobody has noticed my error.

·  It was another  tense week, geopolitically speaking.  I don’t really understand some aspects of diplomacy.  For example, to me, scheduling a ceasefire is like two drunks in a bar fight agreeing that in twenty minutes they’ll stop punching each other in the face.

 

                                   Sounds from Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving!  Something smells good!  Did you watch the parade?  It’s not the Macy’s Day parade; it’s the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade.  You always say it wrong.  I hope Beth brings the rutabaga.  Chase, stay out of the kitchen.  I brought rolls. The kids have their DVD to watch. The fire looks so pretty.  It looks real, who cares?  I brought a red one and a white one, I don’t know if they’re any good.  Yeah, they have handles, so what?  Jug wine, baby!  Ha ha ha.  You aren’t starving, go watch your movie.  Is Cubby coming? No, they aren’t the kind with corks, wise guy.  You like them?  Ha ha. They’re antlers!   There was a Rudolph nose too.  It’s somewhere, I don’t know.  Put me to work, what can I do?  She wanted to wear them because we got the Christmas stuff out so…Dakota, go watch the movie.  Great, you made those puff things?  Yum.  These are mine!  Ha ha ha. Yeah, she won’t wear them for long, she just wanted to show you.  YUM!  I have to get that recipe.  I thought Cubby was coming for dinner.  Sure, let’s open the red one.  It’s happy hour somewhere, right?  Ha ha ha!  These candles are crazy!  Does he have a new girlfriend?  Wow this wine is tangy!  Did you get them at Linda’s party?  Love them!  These glasses are beautiful;  are they from that set you won?  So fancy!  These puffs are so good.  Yeah, Miss Right Now, hahaha.  Kids, come have a couple puffs to hold you over.  No, we’re not getting drunk;  this is wine.  No you can’t have a taste, but you’d hate it.  I don’t  know, they’re puffs.  Thanksgiving puffs.  Just eat them and go watch your movie.  They were up so early this morning, I expected some meltdowns.  Hey, if she’s good to him, and as long as he’s happy, I guess.  Who are we to say?  I love the pilgrim and turkey candles, did they come as a set?  Just take two for now so you don’t ruin your appetite.  Don’t make that face.  Wow, this wine has some kick!  My ears are sweating, hahaha.  Do you want to use all of these onions?  So he’s coming over later?  You aren’t starving, you had cereal this morning.  The pilgrim is so cute.  So, is he bringing this girl?  Ok, so have nothing, go out of the kitchen.  I can’t stand the whining.  I have to stop eating this cheese, but it’s so good.  I’ll peel them, do you have an extra bowl?  I’m so glad you’re making them from scratch.  I hope Beth brings her rutabaga.  When are they coming?  If we use this one it’ll melt the turkey’s head!  Did you wash these?  Is Doug coming after work?  What were they thinking putting the wick on his head?  This wine is so good, oh my gosh! Why are you crying?  Chase, why is she crying?  Why are you crying?  Chase!  Sit here and help me with the potatoes.  Will you be sending a plate over to the Bentons?  They’re so cute, she always waves at me.  Why are you crying?  Ok, if you can’t tell me just go back in and watch your movie.  Aunt Beth and the twins will be here soon.  Yeah, she’s got to be like 90, but every winter she’s out there shoveling.  So cute.  No, she’s fine.  If she can’t tell me what’s wrong, it’s nothing very important.   I don’t see Mr. Benton out much, I guess he just lets her shovel.  They’re both cranky today, I’m not sure why.   Remember when Cubby would mow their lawn?  He’d just sit there and watch, like he couldn’t mow himself.  And that was like 20 years ago, and he seemed old then.  What are you doing out here?  Just ignore her;  she’s cranky.  It’ll be ready when the turkey is cooked, please go watch your movie and let us talk.  Who’s here?  Is it Uncle Cubby?  Go see.  I think Cubby’s here.  It’s Beth.  Go help Aunt Beth bring her stuff in.  You can both help her.  Hi Beth.  Why are they crying?  Why are you crying?  Chase, start the movie over for the twins.  Did you bring the rutabaga?  Sweet!  Is Doug coming after work?  You have to try this wine.  I know, the turkey smells amazing, right? Happy Thanksgiving! Mom made her puffs! Use the fancy glasses.  Happy Thanksgiving, you guys are getting so big!  Go watch the movie, kids.  Let the grown-ups talk.  This wine is awesome.

J. C. Penney, Col. Sanders, Secession, Oh Say Can You, Zombies Update, etc.

·         I kept hearing TV commercials talking about how “JCP” is having a big sales event.  I kept thinking, wow, that JCP, whatever it is, sounds great!  Then I finally realized that JCP is J.C. Penney.  I’m always interested when companies radically change their brands and marketing.  When Kentucky Fried Chicken changed to KFC, it really made sense.  The change not only shortened the time it takes us to say the company name, but it de-emphasized the “FRIED” cornerstone of the enterprise at a time when most people were moving to lighter, more “healthy” fare.  It’s funny to me, because I think the only people that the change appealed to were folks who would avoid fried food, which is fine, but if as a result they went to KFC looking for healthy food, they were still going to find fried food, right?  Maybe KFC was counting on those healthy eaters being embarrassed to realize the truth as they stood there already in line.  They’d probably buy the food anyway, so as to not create a scene, and then eat it in the car, in the dark.  Then they’d probably feel kind of dirty, but silently admit to themselves that the fried stuff tasted way better than the healthy food they’d been eating.  Now THAT was smart marketing.

I have a warm place in my heart for Kentucky Fried Chicken.  I think they invented the “SPORK”, which I’ve always considered a very ingeniously useful and practical utensil.  I’m kind of surprised that the spork didn’t fully catch on and revolutionize the way we eat generally.  And the old guy in the white suit; he was a cool Southern Colonel guy, and a little creepy, which is always a good quality in a corporate icon.

But I digress………

Anyway, my main point is that with this change, JCP is only saving exactly one syllable in the time it takes to pronounce their company name (versus three saved syllables for KFC), and is not hiding any fried products that I’m aware of.  There must be some really great marketing reason for this change in branding that isn’t apparent to me. 

·         Some people constantly use the phrase “Go ahead” in what seems like a subconscious way.  They say things like, “I’m going to go ahead and make a sandwich.” Or “Why don’t you go ahead and move ahead of me in this line.” Or “Mom, you should go ahead and take a nap.” I think probably in almost every conceivable instance, it’d be ok to just say what you’re going to say and leave the “go ahead” part out of it. 

 

·         For a myriad of reasons, as we go to press, each of the 50 states supposedly has an active petition movement in place, asking for secession from the Union.  Our Republic has some pretty significant and legitimate history related to secession, which I won’t go into here, except to say that one time when we dealt with it, the result cost us three quarters of a million American lives.  Suffice it to say, the concept of secession is serious and real. 

 

I think that a decision to secede should be the result of thoughtful and sober consideration.  You really have to think about what will happen the day after the secession.  No one wants to have one of those “oh crap” moments the day after making a decision of that magnitude. 

 

I sincerely hope that our leaders are taking notice of these grass root displays of discontent, and not discounting them as fringe-based and silly. 

Also, I think that if you pronounce the word “secede” as “succeed”, your signature on a petition should be void. 

·         Some local community somewhere has decided to eliminate the singing of the national anthem before its Hockey games.  The rationale is that “ice time” costs $300 an hour, and that the anthem wastes time.  I’ve heard some really bad and long versions of the national anthem, but I can’t remember ever thinking that they were adding an appreciable amount of time to the proceedings.  I bet the longest version ever lasted less than 3 minutes, and probably involved the singer repeating verses.  Not to sound all patriotic and stuff, but I think that this move to eliminate the national anthem before sporting events for the purpose of saving time is a bunch of crap.

 

·         So I know that Zombies aren’t real and everything, but there are definitely very diverse perceptions of what a Zombie apocalypse would be like.  Depending on what movie or TV show you watch, the Zombies can either be really sluggish and almost cartoonish in how easy it is to distract them and then cut off their heads, or they can be kind of smart and run really really fast.  The way I look at it, an apocalypse will be tough enough, and it will be much more convenient to contend with the sluggish cartoony Zombies than the running smart kind.   I’m not sure if there is a petition to sign for that preference.

      Also, I know I keep referencing Zombies, and even though I know they aren't real and everything, I just keep coming up with unresolved questions about them.  Also, I'm not sure if I need to use a capital Z when I spell "Zombies", but it just seems to be the polite thing, although I know they aren't real, and everything.

Humility and Resolve: The Republic takes a Licking

The problem with being a remarkably gifted (yet modest) sarcastic and snarky writer is that sometimes life is so ironic and stupid that it defies hilarious absurdist (and yet, still wicked free) commentary.  The past two weeks have left me uncharacteristically speechless.  I’ve observed people of every ilk expressing and experiencing joy and heartache and hope and despair and celebration and the starkest kind of loss.  We (that’s the American “We”) have felt all of these feelings through shared experiences, but our respective reactions, in so many ways, could not be more different.  In a country that has the word “United” in its name, how can it be acceptable, and for some even seemingly preferable, that we are so divided in our perceptions of these common experiences?  

 

Anyway, here are some thoughts that I’m thinking:

·         I think it’s possible for peaceful centeredness and delusion to coexist in a person.

·         Some people think that compromise and concession are one and the same.  This is an arrogant position in my opinion.

·         Sometimes you need to find the positive in a bad situation.  For example, experts are predicting that the flooding of New York City’s subways and sewers caused by Hurricane Sandy will have a Darwinian impact, and will result in the evolution of an expert swimmer and genetically powerful “super rat”.  Go Rats!

·         How is it possible that people who live within a five mile radius of the most civilized and populated city on earth are huddled around outdoor fires for warmth and have no fresh water to drink? 

·         How is it possible that the US voting process is more primitive today than it’s been in anyone’s memory?  Try to think of another process that is more clunky today than it was when you were a kid.

 

These lessons were reinforced for me in the past two weeks:

1.)  We each need to be more humble about our relative worth and influence in the world.  We are each absolutely as important, and no more so, as our neighbor.

2.)  Be self-reliant first, and then help your neighbor and look to your community for support.

 

“We are a Republic. Real Liberty is never found in despotism or in the extremes of Democracy.”
— Alexander Hamilton (1755-1804) Lawyer, Secretary of the Treasury  & Secretary of State

Halloween 2012

Hilarious Free Halloween Edition!

 

Halloween is a great holiday for little kids.  They don’t understand or care about the spooky thing, and they really don’t even care about a costume;  they’re just psyched that they get to walk around unfamiliar neighborhoods after dark and get candy from strangers:  two activities that their parents have adamantly instructed them against over and over every day since last Halloween.  As long as the weather is warm enough, and the kids don’t have to wear coats over their costumes (you’ll know, because you’ll hear crying all over the neighborhood), you’ll see them at their sugar-high happiest.  Some of them are SO cute, and proud of their costumes, or not really sure what they’re supposed to be (Moms will coach them from the curb with passive aggressive comments cloaked in forced chuckles.)  Others will have had a few too many Smarties, and will have a meltdown on your porch, either grabbing candy from you or refusing to speak at all (Moms will coach them from the curb, too, embarrassed and through clenched teeth.)

Another group you’ll encounter are adolescents who are really too old for trick or treating, but too young to score a case of beer for a real Halloween party.  They’ll all throw together costumes last minute, and will appear at your door as “Cowboy Zombies”, “Clown Zombies”, or “Pirate Zombies”.  For fun, I like to “guess” the Cowboy, Clown or Pirate part of their costume and not “get” the whole zombie thing.  We then make eye contact and nod an acknowledgement, silently agreeing that I will provide them with candy and in exchange they will not egg my house after I turn the lights off.  They typically don’t say thank you;  but a “thank you” would be pointless and even rude considering the extortion that has just transpired.

A separate segment of adolescents will show up this year for the first and last time, appearing as a “Favorite Classical Composer” or “Mutated DNA” or with a UNICEF Collection Can.  The teenagers in this sub-group will travel alone.

The last group of Halloween revelers is comprised of “adults”.  As long as you stay home on Halloween night, you probably won’t encounter too many of these costumed folks, although a few may come to your door under the guise of escorting their young children for trick or treat.  It is best to not engage the adult Halloween enthusiast.  Simply be polite and divert your eyes.

If you are forced to interact with an adult in a Halloween costume, keep the conversation short and courteous.  Always offer a generic compliment for his or her effort (i.e., “wow, that’s GREAT!” or “You sure put a bunch of work into that costume, AWESOME job!”), and then back away.  NEVER try to guess what the person is supposed to be.

        Don’t assume, and NEVER “guess” out loud that……………………….

…..the short guy wearing a loin cloth with a bone through his nose is supposed to be a pygmy.  Maybe he’s just supposed to be a “regular sized jungle native guy.”

…..any Latin woman is supposed to be Charo.

…..the woman dressed as a nurse/ bride/nun/ cat is supposed to be a “slutty nurse/bride/nun/cat.”

…..the overweight guy wearing a shirt with the sleeves cut off and a John Deere hat is supposed to be Larry the Cable Guy, or is a guy, period.

…..any woman wearing a ridiculous evening gown and garish make-up is even dressed up for Halloween at all.  If you forget the first warning, definitely don’t assume, much less offer up your guess,  that she is supposed to be Miss Piggy or a Pregnant Zombie Prom Queen.

 

Disclaimer and Advice:  There was a time when I would dress up for Halloween (as an “adult”).  My costume selection would have only one requirement:  It must allow for unencumbered drinking.  Every Halloween party has one guy who shows up in a fantastic and elaborate rubber mask.  For 20 minutes he basks in the anonymous attention he receives, stealthily sneaking a cup to his lips under the mask.  30 minutes into the party, the mask is off for good, his hair is a sweaty mess, and he’s had 13 Jell-O shots.  My advice is to stick with no-mask options, such as Zombie Lunch Lady and Zombie Bag of Jelly Beans.

 

 

Sounds From Trick or Treating

Say trick or treat.  Do your ears itch?  Hold her hand on the stairs. It’s so warm tonight, perfect.  Say thank you, Cody.  What did you get?  YUM!  Thank you!  Yes it’s SO warm!  Was never this warm when we were kids.  Hold her hand on the way down.  She keeps taking her ears off.  Where’s your flashlight?  Did you say thank you so she could hear it?  Are you sweating?  Did they know what you are?  That’s ok, don’t worry, they’re old.  Say trick or treat.  Don’t shine the flashlight at the lady.  Cody, move over so the baby can get her candy!  Thank you!  Are you too hot?  Yes, it’s her first time.  A bunny.  That’s what she wanted to be.  Here are her ears, ha ha. Thank you.  Watch your step on those stairs!  God I should have taken that cape up, he’s going to break his neck.  Say thank you.  Where’s your bag?  It’s getting cold.  Watch your step.  Say trick or treat!  Trick or treat!  Say hi.  Yeah, she’s the baby, first time this year.  A bunny.  She wanted to be a bunny, so I said….  Hold her hand, Cody.  Put her ears on.  Hi, trick or treat!  Watch your step.  Let her carry her own bag.  Carry your own bag, hon.  Yes, he’s getting big, right?  Say thank you.  It’s ok, she doesn’t have to wear them, give them to me.  Did you say thank you?  Thank you.  Pick your feet up in the leaves.  You did such a good job.  What did you get?  Of course they knew you are a bunny.  No, no gum til we get home.  Don’t scuff in the leaves.  Nothing til we get home and I can check it.  Shine the flashlight on the SIDEWALK, please.  I saw what you were doing.  It’s really getting cold now.  This house is ok.  No, they are nice, they’re just old.  Talk loud so they can hear you.  Watch your step.  Is the mask rubbing?  You can take it off.  No, they won’t know who you are.  This is grandma’s neighborhood.  Hi Happy Halloween!  Hold her hand on those stairs.  I should have put reflectors on that cape.   If you don’t wear your ears, they won’t know that you’re a bunny.  Your bag is almost full, dump some in here.  Please stop scuffing the leaves!  Now your shoes are soaked.  The last one thought he was Darth Vader, he was so mad.  I don’t know, they’re old.    Your nose is running, come here.  Say trick or treat!  Hi, trick or treat!  Yeah, she’s a bunny.  She loves bunnies and….It’s getting cold!  It was warm earlier.  Oh well.  Hold her hand on the way down.  Did you say thank you? Watch your step coming down.  Where’s your flashlight?  You better, it’s uncle Noonie’s.  Ok, let me hold it then.  What did you get?  Oh, they’re good!  They gave the giant ones.  Nice.  No, not til we get home.  I have to look at it.  You want to go home?  We still have a bunch of houses.  Are your legs tired?  Her legs are tired.  Ok, you can stay with me and Cody can go up alone.  Take her bag and tell them it’s for your sister.  Trick or treat!  No scuffing, please.  Hi, it’s so cold!  I know, it was really warm earlier.  The second bag is for the baby.  She pooped out.  Oh, wait, Cody, wait for the baby, help her get up there.  Did you say thank you?  She wants to trick or treat again.  Here, put her ears back on.  Say trick or treat.  Trick or treat!  She’s a bunny.  Say thank you.   Did you say thank you?  Did she say thank you?  Thank you!  Happy Halloween!  What did you get?  It’s freezing, let’s go to grandma’s.

 

                                                                 HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!!!!!

A Tidbit and Rattling Randomness, etc.

The Rant is Still Free!  And Totally Worth It!

 

Exciting New Feature (included in the base price)

Each post of The Rant will now include an interesting tidbit about me.

Facts You Should Know About Me

·       3 of the activities on my Bucket List involve actual buckets.

 

Some Random Thoughts Rattling Around My Head This Week

·       I find it odd that the TV commercial for Korean Airlines doesn’t show any Asians.

·       Spoiler alert:  In the new Lone Ranger movie trailer, I think Johnny Depp sounds just like Mr. Miyagi.

·       Now when you see The Karate Kid listed on TV, it’s the Jackie Chan one.  It’s a good flick, but kind of a letdown if you’re all ready for “wax on, wax off”.

·       When that guy jumped/fell out of the hot air balloon from outer space, I bet at some point he thought to himself, if only for a moment, “this was a big mistake.”

·       Dishwashing liquids aren’t advertising their “antibacterial” properties nearly as much as they used to.  I think the Bacteria Anti-Defamation league has struck again.

·       I don’t think anyone needs more than 5 pairs of shoes.  I mean, come on, how many pairs of shoes do you need? If you have more than 5 pairs of shoes, you should share them.  Everyone should have his or her fair share of shoes.

·       Dogs and cats can catch human flu, but people can’t catch dog and cat flu.  That just doesn’t seem fair.

·       I don’t think anyone needs more than 5 cats.  I mean, come on, how many cats do you need?  If you have more than 5 cats, you should share them.  Everyone should have his or her fair share of cats.

·       I hate political metaphors.

·       Russell Means died today.  I’m a fan of his because he was great as Chingachgook in the Daniel Day Lewis version of Last of the Mohicans (and he also did the chief's voice in Disney’s Pocahontas).  The scene in Last of the Mohicans where he killed Magua with that badass axe thing on the rockcliff was so vivid and memorable.  Mean’s real legacy was as an activist and leader of the American Indian Movement.  Look him up if you aren’t familiar with his work.

Sounds from a Fall Garage Sale

Got a great day for it.  Sure is.  Cold though.  Fall in the North Country.  I know but I’m never ready for it.  Hard frost last night.  I know, I think I lost a bunch of plants.  Stay right here next to me, please, you too Bonnie.  Will this remote work on both of these?  I see you put down burlap, smart.  Yeah, comes with the territory.  Good morning.  Make an offer on anything, it’s all negotiable.  That’s no good.  Radio said it was 22.  No, but it’s my own fault, should have covered them.  I know.  This rocker is so cute.  You girls stay with me.  I believe it.  These are nice.  They were a set. Do you have books?  Excuse me, how much is this?  Very nice.  Would Shay use this in her dorm?  One broke.  At least the sun’s out.  Do these work?  The sale a couple of houses over is all baby stuff.  These are so pretty.  Do you need to sit in the car?  Good morning.  How about five for this?  Does this work?  Or other clothes too maybe.  Make an offer, everything’s up for grabs.  Excuse me.  You picked a cold one.  There should be tape on the bottom, I think three dollars?  My mother makes these, lot of work!  April, what did I say?  Where did I put my coffee?  And records, they have albums and such. If you want that, I’ll throw the box there in with it.  April, if you do it she will think she can do it.  What are these?  Make an offer, it’s all negotiable.  This was on the dollar table, is that right? Good morning.  Did I bring my coffee from the car?  Please behave.  Got cold!  I’ll say!  Some have stickers, some have signs on the table.  Don’t need any more baby stuff!  Excuse me.  Do you have the net thing for these?  I wasn’t ready to have to scrape this morning.   Does this flashlight thingy work? Ugh, not ready for summer to end.  Is this for the pool?  Can I sneak by here?  Gosh, good turnout, huh?  April, you two need to stay with me or you will go sit in the car. Are you doing this tomorrow too?  It takes triple A, I’m pretty sure.  Excuse me.  Make me an offer, it’s all gotta go.  Do you have the adaptor for this?  It was cold in the tree stand at four am, this is warm in comparison!  Bonnie, please stay with April.  Supposed to rain, I think.  Do you really need those?  Are these a set for ten bucks?  Has a radio too, that should work.  Some people are only looking for baby stuff, but it’s been a long time since we had babies.  Wow.  See any?  I didn’t dress warm enough, so cold.  Would you take eight?  Please pardon her, I’m so sorry.  Is the charger in the box?  Will these fit on that base?  Oh neat, it has a flasher thingy on it.  Are all of these five dollars?  What are you going to do with another set?  April!  I’ll put it in the truck.  Amazing I still have a turntable, believe that?  This is chipped.  Whatever.  No problem, she’s having fun.  So pretty this time of year.  Ha ha ha, I know, everything is on the computer now!  They go with a serving tray, but I lost that.  No, but a lot of poop.  Does this work?  Very nice.  They don’t make them like that now, all plastic these days.  Girls!  They’re out there.  Some of those are original with Pepsi printed on them.  I may go check to see what albums they have.  Bow, right?  This looks like it’s broken on the leg, will you take two for it?  Put it down, now.  Yeah, the leaves are changing so early it seems.  My dad used to say, one man’s trash is another man’s clutter!  Bonnie, let that lady look at the dresser.  Wait a minute, sorry now I see the sign.  Do these work?  Remember we had one of these?  So cool, I had a friend who had a real Pepsi cooler like they used to have in the stores. That’s real hunting, challenging, right?  It’s the frost, makes them change quick.  Yeah.  Good morning!  What do you even use this for?  Very nice.  Oh my God, these are great!  I’m asking you to give me five minutes to check out some of these things, is that too much?  And now she has you at the garage sales.  Can I plug this in?  Be snow blowing soon.  Would you take five for both of these?  He loves it.  Wow, I haven’t seen these in forever!  April, that’s not yours, is that yours?  Will this work with our printer?  He looks like he loves it, ha ha.  Yeah, my son was in scouts years ago, we have a ton of it.  Does this work?  Oh God, don’t say that!  Put it down.  She’s fine.  Do these work?  No, she knows better.  Is this a spreader thing?  Jeez I still have to mow my lawn once more.  Hate this.  How much is this?