Calculus, DOMA, Smoke Signals, Holiday Eggs, etc.

·         Apparently, the new favorite word used to describe and defend ones thought process or reasoning is “calculus”.  I think it’s because for most of us, calculus is a totally foreign thing that sounds like it must be really hard and important and complicated.  To make a point of view sound more robust, sometimes a person will declare his or her calculus to be “common sense”.  That way, you can’t disagree, or you’ll be arguing against common sense.  Anyway, I think a lot of people’s common sense calculus is quite often still just bullshit.

·         I predict that Jim Carrey is one French Legion of Honor award away from being his generation’s Jerry Lewis.  The transition from edgy comic boy genius to angry, self-righteous and irrelevant unfunny old guy is always an interesting crash-and-burn to watch.  

·         At first I thought I was hearing people referring to the  “Defensive Marriage Act”.  That seemed about right.  How insecure do you have to feel about something you do, to be afraid that if someone else does it, even with a variation, it will in any way diminish your thing? 

·         I think a lot of people in the US watch what’s happening in Cyprus like it’s a fantasy horror movie.  I mean, come on, “Cyprus” even sounds mythical.  Man, we’ve really got this collective arrogant judgmental denial thing down, don’t we?

·         I know this is a controversial subject, and I don’t want to offend anyone, but whether you call them Easter eggs or Holiday eggs, they’re all mostly not really from rabbits.

·         This month marked the second failure in a decade by the Vatican Fire Department to get the Sacred College of Cardinals to use an air horn instead of the white or black smoke traditionally used to signify the status of the Pope selection process. The fire department has unsuccessfully suggested that it would be preferable to toot the horn once to signify that the Cardinals were “still thinking about it..”, and use two toots and a long blast to signify “we picked a Pope!”.   According to a Vatican Fire Department spokesperson,  their suggestion for a change is based on the fact that smoke is also sometimes recognized as a signal that, you know, the Vatican is on fire.

·         The way things are going, I think at some point all of us will have to just accept that Justin Bieber is a badass. 

Toilet Seats, White House Tours, Robots, etc.

·         They say that “71 is the new 30”.  So I guess it follows that if you multiply any age by .42 you come up with your “new” age.  That calculation makes me 21 and a half, which is cool, because I’m still old enough to drink. Phew.

·         There’s a new Kohler TV commercial that shows a self-closing toilet seat.  I assume that it was designed by a female engineer who finally accepted that the “ultimate mass education of all men and boys initiative” has been a huge failure.  I wonder if Kohler is now working on a self-replacing toilet paper roll.

·         Because of the sequestration, the White house has suspended tours, and a bunch of school kids are really upset because their field trips were cancelled.  The tours were self-guided, but I guess someone has to be paid to oversee the operation, and suspending the tours saves the costs of those salaries and security.  I wonder if the signs announcing the suspension, that they probably posted on the windows of the White House, or maybe on a fancy easel at the front door, were created by the three White House calligraphers.  Three calligraphers, in 2013, seems to be a bit excessive, but to be fair, I think one of them specializes in italic Cambria sans serif font, which is probably really hard to do with a quill on parchment paper, you know.   

·         I saw one of those personal injury lawyer ads on TV that told you who to call if you’ve had bad robotic surgery.  I haven’t heard much about this problem, but I think you should be upset if robots operate on you even if they’re successful.

 

                                   New Feature!  (same low price)

Arbitrary Policy Change Proposals Based on Packaging, Aesthetics and Emotion Rather Than Function, And Without Measurable Benefits: 

·         Proposed NYC Soda Ban:  You can buy and drink 12 ounce cups of sugary soda all day long, but if you order a 32 ounce big gulp, that’s excessive and unhealthy. 

·         TSA:  They are thinking about allowing pocket knives and baseball bats back on airlines.  It’ll be ok now though, they say, because the cockpits are fortified.  Box cutters will still be prohibited, because they’re, well, you know. 

·         Gun Control:  Semi-automatic rifles are BAD and dangerous and unnecessary and must be banned!  The Vice-President, who was assigned to head a gun violence solutions task force after the tragic Newtown, CT shooting, recommends that if you want to deal with an intruder, you should recklessly fire two blasts from your double barrel 12 gauge shotgun off your balcony.