·
So I’m
sitting on my porch watching a cute young couple walk by with their adorable
black lab kind of puppy. He’s on this fishing reel type leash, and they’re
delighting as he runs 15 or 20 feet up on to each of my neighbors’ lawns,
leaving his little adorable baby lab contributions (so cute!). So I think, if I
cared enough to talk to them, I might say… “perhaps you guys should train the
little guy on a shorter leash, so he learns to not pee and crap on peoples’
doorsteps. Oh, and please carry a plastic bag with you, so you can pick up his
ca-ca. Oh, and yeah, also please never have human babies.”
·
Hey, guy
with the earbuds and tunes cranking at the gym just now, the farts you thought
you were sneaking were totally loud for the rest of us.
·
I’m
grateful when the evening news weather guy reports that there will be heavy
clouds overnight, thus giving me the opportunity to change my plans.
·
So I’m
sitting on my porch and I notice this adorable little bird flipping around in
the sand by my sidewalk. As I watch him I realize that he is taking a sand
bath! Inventive bird hygiene! Genius! I watch for several minutes, smiling and
chuckling, fascinated by his ingenuity, amazed by this phenomenon of nature.
Then I notice that he is the only bird flipping in the sand, and that there are
a bunch of other birds sitting on my hedge, sort of just watching him, and a couple
of them, I swear, are rolling their eyes at him. Then I realize that he is insane. A couple of them are looking at me too, I’m
pretty sure, judging me as an idiot for thinking I am observing a wonder of
nature. Obviously, I get pretty
embarrassed, but mostly pissed. “You can’t
bathe in dirt, you stupid freakin’ bird!”, I shout, trying in vain to reverse
their collective opinion of me, “get the hell out of my yard!”uple of them, I swear, are rolling their eyes at him.
Then I realize that he is insane. A couple of them are looking at me too, I’m
pretty sure, judging me as an idiot for thinking I am observing a wonder of
nature. Obviously, I get pretty embarrassed, but mostly pissed. “You can’t
bathe in dirt, you stupid freakin’ bird”, I shout, trying in vain to reverse
their collective opinion of me, “get the hell out of my yard!”
·
So my
neighbor's walking by as I sit on my porch, and he asks, "what you got
burning there?" and I say, "citronella torch", and he says,
"but there aren't any bugs out!" and I say, "you're
welcome."
