Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Electronic cigarettes, Tribute Bands, Mediterranean Diet, etc.


·         I could swear that this guy who was smoking an electronic cigarette outside Walmart today purposefully blew water vapor at me.  There was no avoiding it.  Disgusting.  I bet all his clothes smell like water.

·         You always hear about someone being smitten and what a wonderful thing it is.  Somebody will wink and say in the sing-songy kind of way….“Oooo (insert your name here), you’re smitten by her, aren’t you?”  The word smitten is probably on a lot of Valentine’s Day cards.  It’s a romantic thing to be smitten, I think, unless it’s by God or an army.  So don’t go jumping to conclusions.   I’m just saying, sometimes past participles need interpretation. 

·         There are bands that perform tribute acts to more famous bands.  All night long they just play songs by the more famous bands.  More ambitious tribute bands try to look and sound exactly like the more famous bands they’re covering.  It must be hard to decide which famous band to cover.  I guess maybe they look at the guys in their band and somebody says something like “hey, our piano player sounds just like that guy from the Doobie Brothers!”  That gets the ball rolling.  Some of the tribute bands are so good!  Fans of the more famous bands listen to these tribute concerts in a sort of suspended reality, imagining that they’re listening to the more famous bands.  I wonder how far groupies of cover bands are willing to go to live out their fantasies.  They may even go home with members of the cover band to fully satisfy the experience.  Of course, they have to wait until the tribute band breaks down its equipment, unless the cover band has its own tribute roadies.  Some of the tribute bands that cover the Beatles seem to intentionally use a right handed Paul McCartney just so that people don’t get totally lost in the illusion.  That’s responsible of them, I think.

·         I bet that the Mediterranean diet is healthiest to eat if you actually live in the Mediterranean.  I really wonder if some people there are able to afford to eat the Mediterranean diet.  It’d suck if you lived in Greece but could only afford mac and cheese with hotdogs or ramen.

·         I received another AARP application in the mail today. They’re pretty crafty, those AARP people.  The paperwork comes with a membership card with your name already printed on it, and all of the documents imply that you’re already a member, and that you just need to update your membership by sending back the application and a check.  The packaging of the application was very confusing and took me about five minutes to open.  I found the whole experience very sinister and deceptive and designed to trick aging people out of their money.  Anyway, I hope my check clears.

·         Steven Seagal and John Travolta have the same barber, I think.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Last Minute Valentine's Day Gift Idea, Moonshiners, Cruise Manners, etc.


·         A very popular Valentine’s Day gift this year is the adorable four feet tall over stuffed Teddy Bear.  I think it’s the perfect way to tell the girl of your dreams, “Honey, I REALLY hate to cuddle.”

 

·         Words that always make me giggle:

Fracking

Dither

Asteroids

Innuendo

 

·         I think that when a politician is being interviewed and obviously and deliberately slows the cadence of his or her speech, clearly for the purpose of monopolizing airtime, it should be acceptable for the TV moderator to smack him or her in the back of the head.

 

·         Sometimes the TV show about Moonshiners is on at the same time the show about Alligator Hunters is on.  It’s so hard to decide between the two of them.  I wish they’d make a new show about Moonshining Alligator hunters.  I bet some of the people on the two shows are even related, so it might be do-able.  It’d sure make my life easier.  If they did make that combination show, I bet there’d be a guy on it with only one hand.  Maybe they’d call him Lefty, which would be so funny, but probably his real name would be Cletus, or something.

 

 

·         Sometimes, to prove that you’re civilized, you just have to do the right thing, even if it’s hard.  For example, when you’re adrift on a crippled cruise ship, with nothing but ocean all around, it’s probably hard to stand in line for an hour to use a porto-potty.