Hello Kitty, Panko, Sounds from Thanksgiving 2013, etc.

·         I just saw the Hello Kitty float in the Macys Parade.  The commentators were talking about how the business of Hello Kitty has become huge and international.   I think it’s funny to imagine the Hello Kitty Corporation’s board of directors meetings.   They probably discuss quarterly Hello Kitty strategies.  They’re probably stressful, sometimes.  Probably, sometimes in the middle of some heated discussion, somebody pounds his fist on the table and exclaims something like “(Blah blah blah) doesn’t fly here at Hello Kitty!”  The rest of the people at the table struggle to keep straight faces, because they know what he means, but it’s still pretty funny to hear the words “Hello Kitty” mixed in with his tirade.  There are probably some Vice-Presidents working for Hello Kitty who are real bastards; that reality isn’t industry-specific. 

·         Hey food snobs, Panko is no longer a “secret Asian ingredient”.  Get over yourselves.

 

 

·         Sounds From Thanksgiving 2013

You had cereal an hour ago, you are NOT starving.  Go find your sister.  Dakota!  Where is she?  You better not be snooping!  Where’s my whisk thingy?  Call Grandma and ask her to bring her whisk.   No, you can’t have any of that, it’s raw.  Last thing we need today is going to the emergency room with food poisoning.  DAKOTA!  Where is she?  If you get Grandma’s answering machine leave a message, she’s probably running late.  WHISK!  It’s for mixing stuff, she’ll know.  Chase, just leave the message!  Did you leave it?  Oh my GOD.  No, never mind, I’ll call her, go find your sister.  Dakota!!!  I bet we run out of butter, I should have bought more.  Is the parade on?  Go watch the parade!  Dakota, you’re missing the parade!  It’s only on one day each year!  Where were you, I’ve been calling to you!  Did you make those?  Oh they’re so cute!  Chase, look at the turkeys she made.  You made these?  Did you pick up after?  They’re so cute.  There isn’t paper snips all over your room is there?  Go watch the parade, Grandma will love them.  Did you trace your hand?  Yes you can tape some up on the front window.  Did you put away the glue?  They’re so funny and cute.  Did you trace your hand or what?  The tape is in the junk drawer.  Chase, help her.  Ok, leave her alone then, she’s ok by herself.  I said for him to leave you alone, so stop your yelling.  Go watch the parade.  No, you can’t have that; it’s to put in my coffee.  It’s like a creamer, but better.  Yes, it’s good but it’s for adults.  Yes, it has alcohol in it.  Because it’s the kind of alcohol you can drink before ten in the morning.  Stop smelling it.  Mind your business and go watch the parade.   Who’s here?  Oh hi, Happy Thanksgiving!  I can’t find my whisk; I was going to call you.  Yeah I can use a spoon, but. . .did you see the turkeys she made?  She did them all by herself up in her room.  I think she traced her hand.  I bet it’s a mess up there.  I’ve got coffee and Baileys but I think it’s time to move to wine!  HAHA.  Beth and Doug are coming soon with the twins and hopefully Cubby and his girlfriend will be here for dinner.  Who’s crying?  Why are you crying?  God, Chase will you please just leave her alone?  Go watch the parade.  Then watch something else.  Then go read a book.  Mostly get out of this kitchen.  Ok, it’s time for wine!  HAHAHA.  It’s happy hour somewhere!  Did you bring rolls?  Oh thank you.  I hope I have enough butter, probably should have bought more.  Oh well.  Yeah, get us a couple wine glasses up there.  There you go!  I got the box wine this year, two of them!  HAHA, five liters for you and five liters for me!! Just kidding, Cubby will drink one by himself I bet.  You turn that handle thing.  Watch out it comes out fast!  Told you!  HAHA.  The paper towel roll if over there.  Oh boy, we’re in trouble.  It’s been in for two hours.  I used a ton of butter all over it like you said.  I hope I don’t run out.  I probably should have bought more.  Dakota, you left the tape here.  Put it back in the junk drawer, please.  Dakota!  Well then answer me!  Put the scotch tape back, please.   Oh hi!  Where’d you come from?  Ha-ha I almost tripped over her, did you see her come in?  Oh my God you look adorable!  Oh Beth I love the outfits.  They look so cute!  Happy Thanksgiving!  You look so cute!  Why is she crying?  Why are you crying?   Do you want to watch a movie with the kids?  Put on a movie for the twins.  Chase.  Chase!  Put on a movie for the twins.  What movie do you want to watch?  What movie do they like?  What movie do you like?  Rudolph?  Chase put on Rudolph for the babies.  Do you want wine or coffee?  I’ve got Baileys.  I’m having both.  I’m going to be a wide awake drunk!  Ha-ha.  Where’s Doug?  Oh hi, Doug.  Glad you didn’t have to work this year!  Want some wine?  Or I have beer in the fridge, help yourself.  Wow, Cubby and his girl are here already!  What’s her name again?  She’s so pretty.  Chase, help Uncle Cubby in with that stuff!  Hi Cubby, hi, Happy Thanksgiving!  No, we’re just getting started!  Want some wine, or we have beer in the fridge.  Dakota made the turkeys on the windows.  Did you hear that, Dakota?  Yeah, she traced her hand, I think.  Dakota?  She’s in her own little world, I swear.  It’s box wine, watch out it comes out fast.  I love that outfit, you look so cute.  Not you Cubby, wiseass.  Ha-ha.  Ok, yes, you look cute too, jerk.  Ha-ha.  It’s ok, the paper towel roll is right there on the counter.    Wow, Baileys and wine are potent together.  My ears are sweating.  Well, cheers everybody.  I’m starving too, but we’ve got another hour or so.  Have some nuts and chips.  Mom made her sweet potatoes this year.  I know, YUM!  Happy Thanksgiving.  Aww, I love you too, Mom, it’s so great to have everyone here, isn’t it?  Yeah, I’m missing him, too.  Wait, who’s crying?  Why is she crying?  Why are you crying?  Who has her Hello Kitty pocketbook?  Give it back to her, it’s not funny teasing a little kid.  You know better.  They’re all hyped up.  Maybe we should give them some wine.  Ha-ha.  Or Benadryl.  HA-HA!  Cheers.  Happy Thanksgiving everyone.  The turkey smells SO GOOD.  God, I’m starving. 

 

Thanksgiving always reminds me of my Grandfather, and the grace he always said before meals:

Be present at our table, Lord

Be here and everywhere adored.

These morsels bless, and grant

That we may feast in paradise, with Thee.

 

          Happy Thanksgiving, Everyone.

 

Lab Reminders, Organ Donation, Feet, Facebook, Greg Brady, etc.

·         I’m not sure if this will end up costing me more money, but I think it’s cool that my health insurance company will now be required  to send me a letter when I’m due for a PAP test and Mammogram.

·         I think we can all agree that while human organ donation is a noble and selfless act, animal organ donation is kind of creepy and suspicious.

·         When it comes to dating websites, it’s important to really get to know a person before you rush into a relationship.  For example, I have a friend who finally discovered that the guy she was chatting with wasn’t really heir to the Scholl’s foot care company, and he wasn’t actually a doctor, but that he did REALLY REALLY like feet.

·         No man can really argue that without women, the sales of men’s underpants would plummet.

·         If I was ever in a majority, I hope it would be a vast majority, because that seems like it’d be way better than being in just a regular majority.

·         I bet that at some point God accepted that the “praying on your knees at bedtime” thing had competition, and begrudgingly started checking Facebook a couple times a day.  I bet God also thinks that the “if you care, change your status don’t just like” thing is bogus.

·         When I was a kid I thought it’d be so cool to be friends with Greg Brady.  I used to think that as a bonus I’d end up having some pretty awesome quality time with Marcia, and that could have blossomed into something really beautiful, and Alice would probably bring us lemonade and cookies.  Anyway, it never happened, but I’m pretty sure that we’d have grown apart part by now, so I don’t dwell on it.

NWS Robot Lady, Bird Poop, Namaste, etc.

 

·         The National Weather Service robot lady sounds as stupid today as she did when I was a kid.  Hopefully the money they’ve saved not updating their voice technology has been spent on state of the art storm tracking, or whatever, but she doesn’t inspire much confidence.

On a related note, the stupid robot lady at the National Weather Service came on the TV and said that because of a huge thunder storm system moving through the area, people in my county should move to higher ground.  I thought about that for a minute, but I was upstairs in my house, and I realized that she was just goofing on me.  Good to know that they have a sense of humor over there at the National Weather Service.

On another related note, I think that the National Weather Service ought to offer a broader fundamental message along with their periodic situation-specific advice.  I think they should regularly remind everyone to “build on higher ground.”

·         It’s so hard to get bird poop off a car; they ought to make car paint out of it.

 

·         It’s important to accept your limitations.  I saw a local want ad posted online tonight.   It was titled, “Writting Tutor Needed”.

 

·         I think “Namaste” is a cool expression, or salutation.  It translates to a humble statement, “I bow to your form”.  Ironically, some people use the expression constantly, and seem to want very much to change its meaning to “Please notice and validate me; I’m very pretentious.”

 

Road Crew Directions, Syria, My Wild Rabbit, Mishka, Mr. Ed, etc.

 

·         The road crew man with the big orange <SLOW> sign pointed my way was at the same time making a hurried circular “COME ON THROUGH” motion with his other hand and a rather dour expression on his face.  Confused at what I thought was a contradiction of directions, I considered stopping to ask him to clarify for me which he wanted, but thought better of it, and so I passed him feeling rather bad that I’d somehow let him down.

·         I hope that, in 2018 or whenever, when we pull out of what will hopefully be a nearly stabilized Syria (except for our residual limited, strategic and surgical financial and troop ground support for miscellaneous and still largely unidentified warring factions with dubious sponsors), President Weiner, or whoever, will finally and decisively address the Hatfield and McCoy thing.  No one can argue that the McCoys are the aggressors there, or the Hatfields are, or whatever.  Anyway, somebody’s hillbilly ass needs to be bombed.

·         I have this wild pet rabbit who l let roam my neighborhood.  We have a reciprocal relationship; I throw him oyster crackers and he leaves me raisinettes.  I named him Scat, and trained him to run away when I call to him, which I think is pretty cool.  So anyway, if you live near me, and see a rabbit in your yard, yell “Scat!”.  If it runs away, and you find raisinettes (or uneaten oyster crackers) where he was standing, yep, that’d be my rabbit.

·         I saw previews on the news that they were going to feature Mishka the talking Huskie.  They said that the dog was amazing, and could say “I Love You” to her owner  on command.  Apparently this lady takes Mishka all over the place performing this incredible act.  When they got to the segment with Mishka and her owner, it took a couple of warm ups where the dog kind of howled something like “ay yah-yah”, but then it was clear that Mishka was actually saying “I Loathe You”.  I guess Mishka is getting tired of the grind.  I felt badly for the owner at first, but you gotta be careful how you treat a talking dog, especially one who gets air time on the news.

                             In a sort of related story………….

·         I read an article about the old TV show Mr. Ed, which was about a horse that could talk.  I remember the show being kind of funny.  (I purposefully am leaving out the hilarious pun where I call the show a “one trick pony”.)  The article said that in order to make the horse look like it was talking, the animal trainer smeared peanut butter inside his mouth.  Animal rights folks probably wouldn’t stand for this anymore, especially with so many concerns about peanut allergies, but back then producers could have saved a  bunch of special effects money and actors’ salaries by just showing the horse trying to deal with peanut butter in his mouth for 30 minutes each week without the silly premise that he could talk and wear sunglasses.   They could have called the show “Hey, look at that freakin’ horse!  He’s got peanut butter in his mouth! That's hilarious!”

Myself, Dog Poop, Reenactments, Cholera, Gum, etc.

·         I hear some people use the word “myself” a lot.  I think I’ve used it in a sentence about 4 times in my life.  I just never seem to find the right moment to pull it out.  That last sentence may have been a really good missed opportunity; crap.

·         I’m encouraged by the number of responsible dog owners I watch from my porch stopping to bag up their pooches’ poop.  At the same time, I’m troubled by the number of dogs who are triggered to poop as I watch from my porch.  Is it a coincidence, or a conspiracy of local dogs with the dog-owners acting simply as unwitting dupes?  I tend to think the latter.

·         Last weekend I went to the French and Indian War encampment at the nearby historic and very popular resort town of Lake George.  That’s where “The Last of the Mohicans” was set.  The camp reenactment was pretty cool and very realistic.  With all there was to see, I could easily imagine people 250 years ago on that very spot, making and trading goods and fighting in bloody skirmishes, and paragliding and playing mini golf and eating soft ice-cream.

·         I know that I’m usually probably just being dramatic, but anytime when I start to feel in any way sick, I normally assume that I have cholera, and act accordingly.  So far I’ve been wrong 100% of the time, but I figure that it can never hurt to self-apply mustard poultices and take witch hazel baths and quarantine my house.

·         Sometimes I guess I over simplify things, but if I think that if you can’t walk and chew gum at the same time, you could first just walk to where you’re going and then chew some gum once you get there.  Of course if you had to walk a really long way, you could stop walking now and then for a gum chewing break.

Al-Qaeda Redux, Bi-focals, Aloha Rehearsal, Milkshakes, The Old Man, etc.

·         I’m not saying that Al-Qaeda was never on the run, I’m just saying that it appears that they’re circling back.

 

·         I asked the lady at the convenience store if their hyper-caf coffee was gluten free, which I thought was kind of funny and might make her chuckle.  Instead, she looked a little worried and answered, “I’m sorry, Sir.  I’ll have to ask the manager.”  I felt bad about that one.

 

·         Whenever I need my bi-focals upgraded, I ask the optometrist to jack the script up a couple notches from what I actually need.  That way, I always feel like I’ve had a couple beers, and as a bonus I seem to be able to see a couple seconds into the future.  So far it’s worked out pretty well, but my co-workers are getting sick of me always saying, “I knew you were going to say that.”

 

·         Elvis Presley fan-geeks who are also YouTube geeks know that the rehearsal version of the “Aloha, From Hawaii” concert (1973) is better than the broadcast version.  That fact serves no purpose, really, but I thought I’d pass it along.

 

·         Everyone knows that pedestrians have the right-of-way.  Oddly though, I’ve noticed that for some reason there are pedestrians who test that right flagrantly, despite the fact that everyone also knows that most motorists mostly aren’t paying attention period, much less to pedestrians.  To me, that’s a risky and dangerous exercise of one rights.

 

·         Although I’m sure it’s unlikely, I bet at some point a couple of guys who were drinking milkshakes ended up in a fist fight.  It’s hard to look tough while you’re sucking ice cream through a straw.  That stand-off leading up to first swings had to be a pathetic sight.

 

·         Other than a benign spanking when I was really little, my old man never hit me.  But somehow he successfully instilled the golden rules in me as being the reasonable and correct way to behave as a human.  He also managed to instill in me the clear and present danger that it could turn out badly for me if I ever pushed my luck with him.  Although the threat was only ever implied, generally speaking, it kept me on the straight and narrow until my own internal right-vs.-wrong compass eventually kicked in.  But I do remember as a teenager making a wise-ass and rude comment to my mom, which resulted in her rightfully slapping my face.  I also vividly remember my dad, standing behind her, looking at me over her shoulder with a smile on his face as I was processing the sting of her slap.  His look told me in that moment, “if you think you’re up to it boy, let’s dance.”  Miss him, much.

Nose Picking, Self-Discovery, Bumper Stickers, Camo, etc.

·         Today I saw a very pretty lady picking her nose with her pinky finger.  I’m not sure if she was being dainty or if she just had really small nostrils.

·         Sometimes for me, self- discovery of my shortcomings occurs in the most random and strange ways.  For example, I just realized that, as funny as I think he is, I really have no idea what the E-trade baby is talking about.

·         I find that, by far, the worst scandals are phony scandals.

·         I saw a cute bumper sticker at the mall yesterday.  When the guy got out of his car I smiled and waved and asked, “Hey, how IS your grand dog?”  The guy looked back at me kind of strange and then just walked away.  At first I was puzzled by his reaction, but then I got to thinking, maybe he’s estranged from the grand dog, and I just brought up a sore subject.  I felt really badly about that, but in my own defense, how the hell was I supposed to know?

·         Every now and then, I see someone walking through town dressed totally in camouflaged clothing, even when it’s not hunting season.  Sometimes they look and act kind of like they’re mad at someone or something, and that they don’t want anyone looking at them.  Of course, they really stand out dressed like that, but sometimes I wonder if they left the house thinking that the rest of us really wouldn’t be able to see them.  In my town, if they really wanted to blend into the environment, they should wear clothing that’s painted to look like “house for sale” signs.

·         Sometimes I’ll get all moody about something and leave my house in a huff.  I’m single and live alone, though, and so it has less of an effect than I’m going for.

Zombie 5Ks, Hotness, Cool Smoking Behaviors, Rock Bands, etc.

·         I know that Zombies don’t really exist and everything, but if they did, I think it would be cool to have a couple of real Zombies mixed in at those Zombie 5K races.  When you just have real live people dressed up as Zombies, the runners probably hardly really worry at all about being bitten and becoming, you know, undead.  I bet once you start using real Zombies, you couldn’t compare Zombie 5K race times, which I bet will be much faster, with non-Zombie 5k race times.  Also, survival of the fittest would filter out folks who really weren’t in shape to be running their first 5Ks.  Even a stupid Zombie would be looking for people using inhalers and puking  at about the half-way mark.  All this said, the notion would never actually work, because the real Zombies would probably be confused and also go after spectators and fake Zombies by mistake.  This confusion factor, in my opinion, is why most plans incorporating Zombies fail.

·         So this guy the other day asked me, "hot enough for you?" and I said, "yes, it's actually a bit too hot", and he just sort of smiled at me. I thought that was kind of strange, but it's good that they have people checking.

·         I know that relationships require work, but I think that if you ever fell in love with a mermaid, the romantic cool factor would wear off pretty quickly.  After that, it would be really hard to not focus on the troublesome nature of her fish parts, and having to keep her wet all the time, and the sand that would just be everywhere, and, oh my God, the freaking BRINE. 

·         Exciting New “The Ross Rant” Feature, same low price

Too Soon?  Corner:

Gee, I hope Glee doesn’t start to suck now.

 

·         Cigarette smoking seems to be a lot less popular now than it used to be, but I wonder why people who still smoke have stopped rolling packs up in their tee shirt sleeves and tucking cigarettes behind their ears.  Those seemed to me to be fashionable, practical and reasonable behaviors relating to smoking, and ones that should be encouraged in those who continue the habit.

·         The Rolling Stones are still going strong, selling out concerts and in huge demand.  There’s no denying that Mick Jagger in particular is defying age and performing at a rocking level that is comparable to his best, even after 50 years.  The songs from the 60s and 70s sound as sexy and fresh and naughty and relevant and exciting as ever as the band performs them today.   I do wonder, though, if people in the audiences ever consider that the women who were the subjects of the songs back then were in their 20s.  Is the 70 year old 2013 Mick still singing to 20 year olds?  If so, EWWWWW.  Or maybe now he’s singing all lascivious to 68 year old women.  If so, EWWWWWW.

On a similar topic, there are bands that are known for using their music to protest or advance the issues that are relevant today.  I wonder, assuming that a band like U-2 will still be going strong in ten years like the Stones have done, if they will be addressing subjects that will be relevant to them and all of us, then.  Somehow, I doubt that we’ll hear Bono singing songs like “Medicare, Part-B” or “Estate Taxes”.

·         And lastly, when I was 18 years old I really liked Billy Joel’s song “Piano Man”, and would sing along whenever it was played on radio or on a bar juke box.  The music and lyrics were great, and it made us kids feel superior to think that there were loser old folks who never quite got their acts together, and sat around feeling sorry for themselves, drinking too much.  I still like the song when I hear it now 30+ years later, but, and maybe it’s just the “real estate novelist” in me, now I think that Billy Joel was being a bit judgmental and critical and offensive when he wrote that song.

Dialing 9-1-2, Coffee, Pet Sitting Alternatives, Killing Referees, etc.

·         I think that it’s really important to know the difference between being heard and being herded.

·         There was this emergency, and I tried really hard to help my friend, but apparently I dialed 9-1-2 by mistake, and, you know, they won’t help you at all. This would probably have to be voted on or something, but I think that any of the 9-1-whatever numbers should all have to be able to patch you back to the regular 9-1-1 place, or whatever.

·         I wish my critics would find a new way to tell me that I’m derivative.

·         I’ve concluded that I’m not technically procrastinating as long as there’s still coffee left in the pot.

·         This will be controversial, but I’m pretty sure that Meals on Wheels costs less than most pet sitting services.  I’m not sure whether there’s a workable loophole here, but it’s just a thought for the budget-minded.  You’d probably really be golden if you have an old cat that can open the door when the Volunteer folks show up (it’s possible, I saw it on YouTube).  Also, I bet probably at least once a week or so they deliver tuna sandwiches, and so then there wouldn’t be any extra effort involved and you’d have one pretty happy old cat.  In a sort of related thought, I bet that if you have a business where you take care of peoples’ plants, you could take one day a week off paid and no one would ever notice. 

·         For those who think that our relatively young republic is impervious to a major and life altering shake up, please do a Google search on the current activity in Egypt.  Egypt’s history as a powerful place is ancient; way older than our 240 or so years.  It's undeniable that Egypt is still an international economic stronghold, and considered historically to be the birthplace of humanity and civilization.  Still, there’s instability in its government and violence in its streets.  I celebrate our nation’s exceptionalism, but it’s way past time for a collective and unified reality check, America.

·         I think that the worst way to object to a bad referee is to decapitate him, because even if everyone agrees with your objection, probably someone will still think that you should be arrested for murder.

Bad News, Scatman, Flying Bugs, etc.

·         I think if I ever had really bad news to deliver to someone, it’d be helpful to play a ukulele as I did it.  The bad news would probably still upset the person, but he or she would have to admit that the lilting music softened the experience.

·         I went back to the HR director a couple weeks after I was hired and admitted that “Ready” isn’t really my middle name; it’s William.  She smiled and said she already knew, which kind of freaked me out.

·         If you’re ahead of me in your car at the drive- through ATM, after you complete your transaction, please feel free to review your check register and adjust yourself for a bit before you pull ahead.  I don’t have to be anywhere.

·         I watched a woman arrive at a 4-way intersection today, texting with both hands as she drove.  Fortunately, she also had a dog in her lap, who I assume was steering, so that’s good.

·         I feel bad about it, but after Chico and the Man, Scatman Crothers’s career really tanked, except for a brief reprieve with Hong Kong Fooey and The Shining of course.  The scat audience has always been fickle.

 

                                              Bonus Summer Flying Bug Feature

·         I read a news report about Asian “Tiger” mosquitos that were brought into the US from China in standing water in a Texas tire shipment.  These mosquitos are said to be ferociously aggressive and recognizable by their striped “tiger” appearance.  From the description in the article, I bet that when you get stung by an Asian Tiger mosquito you hardly notice the difference until you try to swat it.  Then it’s probably like you’ve entered Thunderdome.  Oh, and the incurable Asian Sleeping Virus thing that follows, too; that must suck.

·         Every so often I’ll find a mosquito floating in the bottom of a burning citronella candle, and I figure he was the victim of a dangerous bug dare gone horribly wrong.

·         I try not to question God’s plan, but I bet at some point He had second thoughts about having created gnats and no-see-ums.  Speaking of which, I think if you saw the word gnat for the first time, and had no idea what it meant, you'd probably still have some kind of anxiety that a bunch of it would swarm your head and fly up your nose.  It’s probably the gn thing in the word gnat that makes it so awful, because I think gnomes are pretty icky, too.  Of course, even if gnomes swarmed your head, there’s no way they could fly up your nose, so it’s not really comparable.

Taste Test Moments, Old Elvises, Admiral Halsey, Shmelvin Prackin, etc.

·         If you ever have your own cooking show on television, and it gets to the point in the episode when you take a sample taste of whatever goody you just made, I think it really helps sell the moment if you look off camera and sort of up toward the ceiling while you take a bite.  Your audience will understand that in order to truly determine the success of your cooking you need to look at the ceiling and concentrate as you taste the food.  At that point, all suspenseful pins and needles and stuff, the viewer is wondering how you’ll like it, and truly rooting for you.  If instead you just look at the camera and say “yum!”, it’ll seem forced and scripted and phony, and your fans will see right through that, and be understandably let down.  It must suck if you realize with that taste that you ruined the dish with WAY too much cumin or something, but you're only human, and that's why the fans love you. Oh, by the way, if you try this looking up and off to the side gimmick in real life, you’ll come across as kind of goofy, so I suggest that you limit to just doing it on your cooking show.

·         Elvis Presley is still hugely popular, even thirty five some odd years since his death, and Elvis “festivals” are regular events all over the country, with a bunch of “Elvis Tribute Artists” performing in competitions and concerts.  I’m an Elvis fan and have actually attended several of these tribute festivals over the years.  Elvis died when he was 42, although he was in really bad shape and looked older than that.  Unfortunately I think, the memory of Elvis in popular culture is frozen in his last few months alive. I’ve noticed that some Elvis tribute artists try to emulate him when he was heavy and sickly, and then keep at it long after they themselves turn 42.  I’ve also noticed that a lot of these older Elvis impersonators eventually look more like the heavy pompadoured actors from The Sopranos, and they seem to forget the song lyrics, mostly. They look like a fat uncle who tries karaoke at a family reunion after an open bar, but really shouldn’t.  Some of them almost seem like they never even saw an Elvis performance, which is weird, because they have decided to become Elvis impersonators, but maybe it’s just because they’re really old and have forgotten the ways he actually looked and acted and sounded. It kind of makes “what if he’d lived?” conjecture sadder than the reality of his passing.  Anyway, I’d like to think that if Elvis had lived, he’d have slimmed down or at least stopped with the bulging jumpsuits and sweaty concerts and focused mostly on acting in mob dramas.  [Editor’s note:  James Gandolfini passed away after I wrote this post.  R.I.P., and I was talking about the other Sopranos guys looking like sick Elvises, not Tony.]

·         Admiral Halsey notified me

He had to have a berth or he couldn’t get to sea

I had another look and I had a cup of tea and butter pie.

Happy 71^st birthday to Paul McCartney this week.  For about 40 years, I mistakenly thought that the words to Admiral Halsey were, “I had a cup of tea and a butterfly.”  It was catchy, but made no sense to me.  Still, I sang it really loudly in my car in a haughty falsetto.  I don’t know what butter pie is, but I’m so glad I know the correct lyric now.  Thank you, world-wide internets.

·         As I drove slowly by the classic car show in the park last weekend, I bet some of the spectators were left wondering if I might be a participant in some nearby piece of shit Hyundai car show.

·         So maybe I’m just getting older and my hearing is shot.  Sometimes I’ll be talking to someone and I think I hear him or her say something like, “Shmere roggin a shmelvin prackin.”  And I’ll smile and lean in and say, “I’m sorry, what did you say?”, and I swear to God the person repeats what sounds like “Shmere roggin a shmelvin prackin.”  If they’re smiling as they say it, I’ll respond quickly with an agreeable, “I know, right!?”, and if they look sad I say “AWWWWW, wow, SORRY!”  At that point I’m embarrassed and don’t want to seem like a worse total idiot, so I’ll look all sympathetic and supportive and just hope for the best.  Usually, then the person will either look shocked or confused or scared and walk away, or maybe they’ll smile like they’re really happy and offer me a beer or something.  If it’s the latter, I go ahead and celebrate whatever it is they were talking about, not wanting to be rude.