Grandpa and the Toboggan

 

 

I feel like my grandfather only said about 53 words directly to me the whole time I knew him, but I always knew for certain that he loved me so much.  One perfect winter/Christmas memory of him is from when I was about 7 years old, and visiting my grandparents, who lived nearby.  Typically, when I visited my grandparents, I, being an only child, would happily occupy myself on their property in the country in Lake George, New York.  I was a suburban kid, so their “spread” seemed exciting and endless to me, and I could always find fun ways to pass the days. 

This memory had me crashing down their sloping yard on a toboggan.  I kind of remember that the hill in their yard was huge, but I also know that it wasn’t.  Anyway, I remember sliding recklessly fast down the tremendous hill (actually, slowly, and the hill wasn’t tremendous by any calculation) over and over and over, and the horrendous trudging climb back up the hill each time (really neither horrendous nor trudging, I was 7). 

After what seemed like thousands of trips up and down the hill (really, probably 5 trips) I landed at the bottom, and my grandfather pulled into the driveway in his big green truck.  I was always glad to see grandpa, but I had no idea why he was home; I was always lost in time in the country.  He smiled as he walked over to me and said, “ready?”.   When I was 7, I never EVER knew what people meant when they said, “ready?” or pretty much when anyone especially grownups asked me anything. 

So, I said, “yup”.   With that, grandpa grabbed the thick rope on the toboggan and started to run, pulling me down the driveway and onto Middle Road, the country lane that bordered his property.  For a surreal few seconds, gramps trotted ahead of me on the toboggan as I clung-on in utter disbelief.  In my mind, at the time, my grandfather was ancient, and I was amazed that he could run at all, and I was a little concerned that he would drop dead in front of me, although that concern was conflicted by an intense desire to see how far he could take me.   Any concern I had for grandpa confirms what a stupid kid I was; a conclusion to which my readers have probably long since arrived.  In reality, he was then probably only in his early 60s, not far beyond my age now, and he probably felt (and was) virile as ever (as I do and am).   

Anyway, at last, pooped or maybe just hungry for lunch, grandpa pulled me back up into the driveway and walked into the house, without saying another word.  I sat on the toboggan in the driveway, stupefied in the silence of the country, and smiling widely.  I wasn’t sure that the hell had just happened, but I sure knew where I stood with gramps.

France for the Holidays!

If you were going to France for the holidays and one of your kids was just being a total shit and you “accidently” forgot to bring him, but it was totally confusing when you left because you overslept that morning and your stupid niece screwed up counting the kids or whatever, and then you suddenly realized you forgot him after your plane took off, would there be any legal issues, or would you have a solid case?  I mean, we called home when we got there and everything, but the police were kinda like, “sure, okay” or whatever, which seemed kind of like strange to us.

Asking for a friend.

Life Saving Information

When I see a scientist from Europe on a documentary talking about some new discovery based on decades of research that I should put into place immediately to save my life, but the details are all presented in metric measurements, I figure, “Oh well, no way I can extrapolate this shit.  Guess I’ll carry on with my normal sketchy lifestyle and just hope for the best.”

You Want To See My What?

Whether you consider it pretentious or not, on job applications “CV” is sometimes a replacement for the word resume.  CV in this case stands for Curriculum Vitae, which is Latin for “course of one’s life”.  CV is also an abbreviation for cardiovascular.  If an employer asks you for your CV, you may want to clarify whether he wants your resume, or the account of the "course of your life”, which let’s face it, could be messy, or your cardiovascular record.  Posting for a friend (me).

Blame The Pilgrims

Really cool Halloween decorations looks so lame November first, but people leave them up because there are really no good Thanksgiving decorations.  People put up corn stalks and Indian corn and cornucopia displays at the end of September, but it’s mostly because it’s too early for skeletons and zombies; it has nothing to do with Thanksgiving and feels desperate, then.  And so then the world is decorated orange and yellow and brown for a few months, with funny turkey pictures slipped in in mid-November but it’s just seemingly pointless, meaningless.  I know that this will be controversial, but I blame the Pilgrims.  I know that public relations were not a primary consideration back then, but what were they thinking with the big buckles and stupid hats and knickers and big-ass barreled blunderbusses?  They created the least sexy image for anyone to recreate with decorations.  And to be honest, they mostly did without, and sacrificed, and froze and starved, even though the native Americans showed them really good ways to not freeze and starve.  So now here we are, like five hundred years later or whatever, and how can you decorate your house with freakin’ starved and frozen Pilgrims (except by maybe leaving the skeletons up)?  So anyway, yeah, when you’re tired of the corn (which the Pilgrims also stole from the Indians) decorations, go ahead and put up your Christmas trees and lights.  What the hell, I give up.  Happy Thanksgiving and No ‘el, everyone.

Sir What?

I heard a guy excitedly refer to a steak he bought as a “sirLOIN”.  By his putting the emPHAsis on the wrong sylLAble (and thus making the name of the cut of meat sound comically regal as a bonus), I couldn’t be sure whether he was an idiot or pretentious or both. 

Greetings from Awkwardville

Them:     Hi.

Me:        Hi, how are you?

Them:    Good, how are you?

Me:    Good, how are you?

Me to Myself:  WalkawayNOW! WalkawayNOW! WalkawayNOW!!

Sage Advice From Long Ago

I want to share some sage advice I was given long ago: 

Never turn down the offer of a breath mint, and never accept the offer of a milk dud from a man with a monkey.

Team Building 101, Chapter 3

 

Business Training Elementals (Adirondack Books, 2018)


Team Building 101, Chapter 3, Section 3:   It is a big camaraderie boost when your team agrees unequivocally that a person needs to die.  The bond will grow exponentially after the event. 
   

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dietary Suggestions

So I know that we only have like 12 years left or whatever, and we need to be stewards of the planet so we have to get this shit rolling and all that.  I reuse plastic whenever I can (using Walmart bags for my garbage), and I mostly gave up smoking cigars (except for celebrations……) because I got sick of the freakin pusses everyone gave me, and also to save the earth, for sure.  But one thing really has me bugged, and that’s all this talk about how red meat is killing the ozone.  They say everyone should be vegan, which I’m totally ok with for the most part, but with it I need a meat side dish; just give me like a little roast beef au jus or pork whatchamacallit and we’re good.  Alternative protein sources are bullshit.  Beans and I have a love hate relationship, and I know some of you will want to talk about lentils but, save it.  Nobody but PETA seems to care, but I’m ok living without chickens because they are nasty.  And please don’t tell me that seafood is my reasonable alternate meat resource.   I like salmon (with steak), but let’s not go crazy; we know what fish do in that water.    And I’m not sure what the ultimate plan is with a reduction in red meat consumption.  Will cows as a species be killed off?  And is the reason so that we can avoid cow farts?  I hope not, because cow farts are just about the funniest of all farts (they have five stomachs, comon, now!) and I mean no offense to anyone else out there who thinks they fart funnier.

Follow My Journey

Some of my readers are aware that I’ve been following a standard low carb eating plan combined with intermittent fasting, European invasive/toxic-sprouts, and self-delusion for the past few months.  Thanks to a totally enthusiastic and sporadic (that part isn’t technically adherent to the  intermittent part of this and doesn’t include “free Tuesdays and Thursdays") attention to this plan, I lost 50 pounds the first month and then gained 60 pounds the second month and then lost 50 pounds the third month and then gained it back.  I also incorporated the “Pepper System”, whereby I dump red pepper on all of my food prior to eating as a taste deterrent.  But it turns out I REALLY like red pepper, so I’m now also trying to wean off red pepper, AND lose the additional 18 pounds I gained eating peppery foods.

For my newer readers, with this plan, the net result is the primary focus, so please consider that as you follow my journey.  For you naysayers, I’m also doing a shit ton of modified pushups when I think of it, and parking my car far from the supermarket for extra walking (unless I’m doing that call- ahead, pick it up thing, which is so freakin great, just sayin, obviously) for extra calorie expenditure.   

The most important result so far is that I FEEL GREAT when resting (so wtf do you have to say about that, Doctor Lab guy?).  I know that reaching my goal will take time, and that until then I need to be kind to ME.  This is a journey, not a destination, and while there’s a better than decent probability that I’ll never reach my goal, acceptance of that almost certain failure is a gift I give myself.  Follow me for more.

Managing Your People (chapter 2)

In business, I think it’s important to set the tone early in the day.  For example, each morning you should greet your staff with a hearty (and if possible, maniacal,) “Good Morning!”, accompanied by an aggressive “air quotes” gesture.

How Do You Say It?

Probably no one has figured out how to translate the language of squirrels, so I can't prove this, but I bet they have at least 31 different ways to say "nuts".

What It Means

As a semi professional sociologist and linguist, I feel confident to state that the meaning of the expression, “oh, balls” (or a variation thereof)  is dependent upon the gender of the person making the comment.

Sitting on The Hill

It’d probably be a horrible idea if you and several friends gathered this evening and sat on blankets on a random but highly visible hill near a thoroughfare but nowhere near an actual fireworks venue and then waited for a bunch of other people to show up thinking this must be a great view for fireworks and then you just waited until there were several hundred people sitting on the hill and then, around dusk, you and your friends just packed up your stuff and left.  I hope nobody does this, but if you do, cheers and you’re welcome.  By the way, this will probably also be a horrible idea tomorrow.

Tis the Season?

Scrolling through Spectrum Cable’s tv listings for tonight, June 28^th, and finding Elf, Home Alone and a couple other Christmas movies.  I assume that it’s a Spectrum joke or error, but for a moment I wondered if my own “Billy Pilgrim is unstuck in time…” nightmare had finally come true.

My Next Challenge

I’m thinking about canceling my Everest climb after watching all the recent news.  I feel that my travel agent underplayed the “certain death guaranteed, or deposit returned” part of the contract.   He said, “nah, just wear cleats”. 

A Light In The Dark

When I was a kid, I always had a nightlight on when I was sleeping at home.  If I ever slept over at someone else’s house and asked for a nightlight, I’d be mocked by adults and children alike who assumed that I feared werewolves or other monsters that troll the darkness.  In truth, my concern always was waking disoriented from my typically violent dreams in a state of defensive readiness.  A nightlight sped up my reorientation with the comparative peacefulness of the real world. 

To this day, if I wake without proper muted lighting and then can’t find my glasses, I’m apt to punch a wall or knock over a bedside table. 

On a related note, I am still single.

Pangs

Me: “Is it ‘hunger pangs’ or
‘hunger pains’?”

Them: “What are you talking about?”

Me to myself: “Mankind is doomed.”

Easter Egg Suggestions

For those choosing to follow the traditional Easter celebration of making colored rabbit eggs, please remember to double boil the blue ones, with an extra dip and swirl in the final flush and rinse. If you decide to make colored chicken (or any game hen/range fowl or wood duck) eggs instead, just the normal single boiling will suffice, unless you are making the orange (or green) ones.

My Rep

While it’s true that my reputation precedes me, it’s only by about two minutes; so if you aren’t paying attention, you’ll probably think we arrived together.

Reflections

My Uncle John is my mom’s baby brother, the youngest and last survivor of the siblings, at 76 years old.  John is mentally disabled, and although I’ve known him well my whole life, it’s a new challenge to help him through the final and reflective aging phase of his life.  Every now and then John will say, “I really miss mother and dad and my brother and sisters.”   And I always reply, “I know, John. I do too.  And I think of them together in Heaven, laughing their asses off, and Grandpa’s looking all embarrassed and shaking his head because someone said something that was really inappropriate.”  John always laughs at that, because he knows what I mean, and it gives him comfort,too.

It's Just The Principle; Merchandise

So I get that all the hip kids now refer to stuff that stores and people sell as “merch”, and sure, I guess the abbreviation is cute or whatever.  But when on your website every reference to the products you sell uses the word “merch” like it’s so cool that you’ve saved two freaking syllables in your postings, and that somehow the word “merchandise” is now outdated or meaningless (and just so you know, I really am not that big a fan of the word merchandise; it’s just the principle) I’m afraid that I just can’t allow myself to buy your crap, even with your bullshit “volume merch” discount.

Faking It

Years later, we learned that Danny Partridge was totally faking playing the bass the whole time.  But now, even knowing the truth, when you watch the old clips, you could swear that the lil ginger was for real nailing that shit.  #mindblown