Twas the day after Christmas, and the townsfolk gathered at
the gym, adorned in baggy sweat suits, to atone for their gluttony. #ghostsofnewyearsresolutionsfuture
Monday, December 26, 2016
Saturday, December 17, 2016
Christmas Vacation
President
Obama is Hawaii-bound for a 17-day vacation, which will be the last of his time
in office. Apparently, the White House
has a rigid “use it or lose it” vacation policy.
Sunday, December 4, 2016
The Four Days of Christmas
The Twelve Days
of Christmas is a traditional song we all remember, and will no doubt hear
during this holiday season. Usually,
about half way through the song, the singers, suddenly concerned that the song
may never end, start to look uncomfortable and awkward. The audience responds in matching horror and
fear. I think we can all agree that the
song is painfully and unnecessarily long.
I suggest an alternate take on the classic, keeping what I feel are the
most important components. I like the
ladies dancing and maids a milking, so I’m keeping them. The swans and geese and calling birds and french
hens and turtle doves are clearly fowl-redundant, and well represented by the partridge
at the end of the song, so I say dump them.
Now, I don’t know about you but personally, but I couldn’t care less
about drummers drumming and pipers piping.
It’s what they’re paid to do, and shouldn’t warrant special
consideration and mention in a Christmas song.
And lords a leaping? What or who the
hell is that? Anyway, I’m dumping the drummers, pipers and the creepy leaping lords,
too. The most fun verse of the song is when
we get to scream the GOLDEN RINGS part, so we’re keeping that. That leaves us with the partridge, which I
guess is what some people want in their pear trees at Christmas, and so,
whatever.
So here’s
your new and improved “The Four Days of Christmas”. You’re welcome. Enjoy all the holiday time I just freed up
for you, and Merry Christmas.
The Four
Days of Christmas
On the Fourth
Day of Christmas
My true love
gave to me:
Four Ladies
Dancing
Three Maids
a Milking
TWO GOLDEN
RINGS!
And a
Partridge in a Pear Tree!
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