Myself, Dog Poop, Reenactments, Cholera, Gum, etc.

·         I hear some people use the word “myself” a lot.  I think I’ve used it in a sentence about 4 times in my life.  I just never seem to find the right moment to pull it out.  That last sentence may have been a really good missed opportunity; crap.

·         I’m encouraged by the number of responsible dog owners I watch from my porch stopping to bag up their pooches’ poop.  At the same time, I’m troubled by the number of dogs who are triggered to poop as I watch from my porch.  Is it a coincidence, or a conspiracy of local dogs with the dog-owners acting simply as unwitting dupes?  I tend to think the latter.

·         Last weekend I went to the French and Indian War encampment at the nearby historic and very popular resort town of Lake George.  That’s where “The Last of the Mohicans” was set.  The camp reenactment was pretty cool and very realistic.  With all there was to see, I could easily imagine people 250 years ago on that very spot, making and trading goods and fighting in bloody skirmishes, and paragliding and playing mini golf and eating soft ice-cream.

·         I know that I’m usually probably just being dramatic, but anytime when I start to feel in any way sick, I normally assume that I have cholera, and act accordingly.  So far I’ve been wrong 100% of the time, but I figure that it can never hurt to self-apply mustard poultices and take witch hazel baths and quarantine my house.

·         Sometimes I guess I over simplify things, but if I think that if you can’t walk and chew gum at the same time, you could first just walk to where you’re going and then chew some gum once you get there.  Of course if you had to walk a really long way, you could stop walking now and then for a gum chewing break.

Al-Qaeda Redux, Bi-focals, Aloha Rehearsal, Milkshakes, The Old Man, etc.

·         I’m not saying that Al-Qaeda was never on the run, I’m just saying that it appears that they’re circling back.

 

·         I asked the lady at the convenience store if their hyper-caf coffee was gluten free, which I thought was kind of funny and might make her chuckle.  Instead, she looked a little worried and answered, “I’m sorry, Sir.  I’ll have to ask the manager.”  I felt bad about that one.

 

·         Whenever I need my bi-focals upgraded, I ask the optometrist to jack the script up a couple notches from what I actually need.  That way, I always feel like I’ve had a couple beers, and as a bonus I seem to be able to see a couple seconds into the future.  So far it’s worked out pretty well, but my co-workers are getting sick of me always saying, “I knew you were going to say that.”

 

·         Elvis Presley fan-geeks who are also YouTube geeks know that the rehearsal version of the “Aloha, From Hawaii” concert (1973) is better than the broadcast version.  That fact serves no purpose, really, but I thought I’d pass it along.

 

·         Everyone knows that pedestrians have the right-of-way.  Oddly though, I’ve noticed that for some reason there are pedestrians who test that right flagrantly, despite the fact that everyone also knows that most motorists mostly aren’t paying attention period, much less to pedestrians.  To me, that’s a risky and dangerous exercise of one rights.

 

·         Although I’m sure it’s unlikely, I bet at some point a couple of guys who were drinking milkshakes ended up in a fist fight.  It’s hard to look tough while you’re sucking ice cream through a straw.  That stand-off leading up to first swings had to be a pathetic sight.

 

·         Other than a benign spanking when I was really little, my old man never hit me.  But somehow he successfully instilled the golden rules in me as being the reasonable and correct way to behave as a human.  He also managed to instill in me the clear and present danger that it could turn out badly for me if I ever pushed my luck with him.  Although the threat was only ever implied, generally speaking, it kept me on the straight and narrow until my own internal right-vs.-wrong compass eventually kicked in.  But I do remember as a teenager making a wise-ass and rude comment to my mom, which resulted in her rightfully slapping my face.  I also vividly remember my dad, standing behind her, looking at me over her shoulder with a smile on his face as I was processing the sting of her slap.  His look told me in that moment, “if you think you’re up to it boy, let’s dance.”  Miss him, much.

Nose Picking, Self-Discovery, Bumper Stickers, Camo, etc.

·         Today I saw a very pretty lady picking her nose with her pinky finger.  I’m not sure if she was being dainty or if she just had really small nostrils.

·         Sometimes for me, self- discovery of my shortcomings occurs in the most random and strange ways.  For example, I just realized that, as funny as I think he is, I really have no idea what the E-trade baby is talking about.

·         I find that, by far, the worst scandals are phony scandals.

·         I saw a cute bumper sticker at the mall yesterday.  When the guy got out of his car I smiled and waved and asked, “Hey, how IS your grand dog?”  The guy looked back at me kind of strange and then just walked away.  At first I was puzzled by his reaction, but then I got to thinking, maybe he’s estranged from the grand dog, and I just brought up a sore subject.  I felt really badly about that, but in my own defense, how the hell was I supposed to know?

·         Every now and then, I see someone walking through town dressed totally in camouflaged clothing, even when it’s not hunting season.  Sometimes they look and act kind of like they’re mad at someone or something, and that they don’t want anyone looking at them.  Of course, they really stand out dressed like that, but sometimes I wonder if they left the house thinking that the rest of us really wouldn’t be able to see them.  In my town, if they really wanted to blend into the environment, they should wear clothing that’s painted to look like “house for sale” signs.

·         Sometimes I’ll get all moody about something and leave my house in a huff.  I’m single and live alone, though, and so it has less of an effect than I’m going for.