Things of that nature and Sounds from Thanksgiving

·        A lot of people say “and things of that nature” as a replacement for “and so on” or “and stuff” or “or whatever” at the end of sentences.  I think that adding “and things of that nature” makes the person sound smart and whatever the person is saying sound way more important and scientific than “and stuff” would.

·  Several times a week I mistakenly think that I’m really in my wheelhouse.  I look around, embarrassed, hoping nobody has noticed my error.

·  It was another  tense week, geopolitically speaking.  I don’t really understand some aspects of diplomacy.  For example, to me, scheduling a ceasefire is like two drunks in a bar fight agreeing that in twenty minutes they’ll stop punching each other in the face.

 

                                   Sounds from Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving!  Something smells good!  Did you watch the parade?  It’s not the Macy’s Day parade; it’s the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade.  You always say it wrong.  I hope Beth brings the rutabaga.  Chase, stay out of the kitchen.  I brought rolls. The kids have their DVD to watch. The fire looks so pretty.  It looks real, who cares?  I brought a red one and a white one, I don’t know if they’re any good.  Yeah, they have handles, so what?  Jug wine, baby!  Ha ha ha.  You aren’t starving, go watch your movie.  Is Cubby coming? No, they aren’t the kind with corks, wise guy.  You like them?  Ha ha. They’re antlers!   There was a Rudolph nose too.  It’s somewhere, I don’t know.  Put me to work, what can I do?  She wanted to wear them because we got the Christmas stuff out so…Dakota, go watch the movie.  Great, you made those puff things?  Yum.  These are mine!  Ha ha ha. Yeah, she won’t wear them for long, she just wanted to show you.  YUM!  I have to get that recipe.  I thought Cubby was coming for dinner.  Sure, let’s open the red one.  It’s happy hour somewhere, right?  Ha ha ha!  These candles are crazy!  Does he have a new girlfriend?  Wow this wine is tangy!  Did you get them at Linda’s party?  Love them!  These glasses are beautiful;  are they from that set you won?  So fancy!  These puffs are so good.  Yeah, Miss Right Now, hahaha.  Kids, come have a couple puffs to hold you over.  No, we’re not getting drunk;  this is wine.  No you can’t have a taste, but you’d hate it.  I don’t  know, they’re puffs.  Thanksgiving puffs.  Just eat them and go watch your movie.  They were up so early this morning, I expected some meltdowns.  Hey, if she’s good to him, and as long as he’s happy, I guess.  Who are we to say?  I love the pilgrim and turkey candles, did they come as a set?  Just take two for now so you don’t ruin your appetite.  Don’t make that face.  Wow, this wine has some kick!  My ears are sweating, hahaha.  Do you want to use all of these onions?  So he’s coming over later?  You aren’t starving, you had cereal this morning.  The pilgrim is so cute.  So, is he bringing this girl?  Ok, so have nothing, go out of the kitchen.  I can’t stand the whining.  I have to stop eating this cheese, but it’s so good.  I’ll peel them, do you have an extra bowl?  I’m so glad you’re making them from scratch.  I hope Beth brings her rutabaga.  When are they coming?  If we use this one it’ll melt the turkey’s head!  Did you wash these?  Is Doug coming after work?  What were they thinking putting the wick on his head?  This wine is so good, oh my gosh! Why are you crying?  Chase, why is she crying?  Why are you crying?  Chase!  Sit here and help me with the potatoes.  Will you be sending a plate over to the Bentons?  They’re so cute, she always waves at me.  Why are you crying?  Ok, if you can’t tell me just go back in and watch your movie.  Aunt Beth and the twins will be here soon.  Yeah, she’s got to be like 90, but every winter she’s out there shoveling.  So cute.  No, she’s fine.  If she can’t tell me what’s wrong, it’s nothing very important.   I don’t see Mr. Benton out much, I guess he just lets her shovel.  They’re both cranky today, I’m not sure why.   Remember when Cubby would mow their lawn?  He’d just sit there and watch, like he couldn’t mow himself.  And that was like 20 years ago, and he seemed old then.  What are you doing out here?  Just ignore her;  she’s cranky.  It’ll be ready when the turkey is cooked, please go watch your movie and let us talk.  Who’s here?  Is it Uncle Cubby?  Go see.  I think Cubby’s here.  It’s Beth.  Go help Aunt Beth bring her stuff in.  You can both help her.  Hi Beth.  Why are they crying?  Why are you crying?  Chase, start the movie over for the twins.  Did you bring the rutabaga?  Sweet!  Is Doug coming after work?  You have to try this wine.  I know, the turkey smells amazing, right? Happy Thanksgiving! Mom made her puffs! Use the fancy glasses.  Happy Thanksgiving, you guys are getting so big!  Go watch the movie, kids.  Let the grown-ups talk.  This wine is awesome.

J. C. Penney, Col. Sanders, Secession, Oh Say Can You, Zombies Update, etc.

·         I kept hearing TV commercials talking about how “JCP” is having a big sales event.  I kept thinking, wow, that JCP, whatever it is, sounds great!  Then I finally realized that JCP is J.C. Penney.  I’m always interested when companies radically change their brands and marketing.  When Kentucky Fried Chicken changed to KFC, it really made sense.  The change not only shortened the time it takes us to say the company name, but it de-emphasized the “FRIED” cornerstone of the enterprise at a time when most people were moving to lighter, more “healthy” fare.  It’s funny to me, because I think the only people that the change appealed to were folks who would avoid fried food, which is fine, but if as a result they went to KFC looking for healthy food, they were still going to find fried food, right?  Maybe KFC was counting on those healthy eaters being embarrassed to realize the truth as they stood there already in line.  They’d probably buy the food anyway, so as to not create a scene, and then eat it in the car, in the dark.  Then they’d probably feel kind of dirty, but silently admit to themselves that the fried stuff tasted way better than the healthy food they’d been eating.  Now THAT was smart marketing.

I have a warm place in my heart for Kentucky Fried Chicken.  I think they invented the “SPORK”, which I’ve always considered a very ingeniously useful and practical utensil.  I’m kind of surprised that the spork didn’t fully catch on and revolutionize the way we eat generally.  And the old guy in the white suit; he was a cool Southern Colonel guy, and a little creepy, which is always a good quality in a corporate icon.

But I digress………

Anyway, my main point is that with this change, JCP is only saving exactly one syllable in the time it takes to pronounce their company name (versus three saved syllables for KFC), and is not hiding any fried products that I’m aware of.  There must be some really great marketing reason for this change in branding that isn’t apparent to me. 

·         Some people constantly use the phrase “Go ahead” in what seems like a subconscious way.  They say things like, “I’m going to go ahead and make a sandwich.” Or “Why don’t you go ahead and move ahead of me in this line.” Or “Mom, you should go ahead and take a nap.” I think probably in almost every conceivable instance, it’d be ok to just say what you’re going to say and leave the “go ahead” part out of it. 

 

·         For a myriad of reasons, as we go to press, each of the 50 states supposedly has an active petition movement in place, asking for secession from the Union.  Our Republic has some pretty significant and legitimate history related to secession, which I won’t go into here, except to say that one time when we dealt with it, the result cost us three quarters of a million American lives.  Suffice it to say, the concept of secession is serious and real. 

 

I think that a decision to secede should be the result of thoughtful and sober consideration.  You really have to think about what will happen the day after the secession.  No one wants to have one of those “oh crap” moments the day after making a decision of that magnitude. 

 

I sincerely hope that our leaders are taking notice of these grass root displays of discontent, and not discounting them as fringe-based and silly. 

Also, I think that if you pronounce the word “secede” as “succeed”, your signature on a petition should be void. 

·         Some local community somewhere has decided to eliminate the singing of the national anthem before its Hockey games.  The rationale is that “ice time” costs $300 an hour, and that the anthem wastes time.  I’ve heard some really bad and long versions of the national anthem, but I can’t remember ever thinking that they were adding an appreciable amount of time to the proceedings.  I bet the longest version ever lasted less than 3 minutes, and probably involved the singer repeating verses.  Not to sound all patriotic and stuff, but I think that this move to eliminate the national anthem before sporting events for the purpose of saving time is a bunch of crap.

 

·         So I know that Zombies aren’t real and everything, but there are definitely very diverse perceptions of what a Zombie apocalypse would be like.  Depending on what movie or TV show you watch, the Zombies can either be really sluggish and almost cartoonish in how easy it is to distract them and then cut off their heads, or they can be kind of smart and run really really fast.  The way I look at it, an apocalypse will be tough enough, and it will be much more convenient to contend with the sluggish cartoony Zombies than the running smart kind.   I’m not sure if there is a petition to sign for that preference.

      Also, I know I keep referencing Zombies, and even though I know they aren't real and everything, I just keep coming up with unresolved questions about them.  Also, I'm not sure if I need to use a capital Z when I spell "Zombies", but it just seems to be the polite thing, although I know they aren't real, and everything.

Humility and Resolve: The Republic takes a Licking

The problem with being a remarkably gifted (yet modest) sarcastic and snarky writer is that sometimes life is so ironic and stupid that it defies hilarious absurdist (and yet, still wicked free) commentary.  The past two weeks have left me uncharacteristically speechless.  I’ve observed people of every ilk expressing and experiencing joy and heartache and hope and despair and celebration and the starkest kind of loss.  We (that’s the American “We”) have felt all of these feelings through shared experiences, but our respective reactions, in so many ways, could not be more different.  In a country that has the word “United” in its name, how can it be acceptable, and for some even seemingly preferable, that we are so divided in our perceptions of these common experiences?  

 

Anyway, here are some thoughts that I’m thinking:

·         I think it’s possible for peaceful centeredness and delusion to coexist in a person.

·         Some people think that compromise and concession are one and the same.  This is an arrogant position in my opinion.

·         Sometimes you need to find the positive in a bad situation.  For example, experts are predicting that the flooding of New York City’s subways and sewers caused by Hurricane Sandy will have a Darwinian impact, and will result in the evolution of an expert swimmer and genetically powerful “super rat”.  Go Rats!

·         How is it possible that people who live within a five mile radius of the most civilized and populated city on earth are huddled around outdoor fires for warmth and have no fresh water to drink? 

·         How is it possible that the US voting process is more primitive today than it’s been in anyone’s memory?  Try to think of another process that is more clunky today than it was when you were a kid.

 

These lessons were reinforced for me in the past two weeks:

1.)  We each need to be more humble about our relative worth and influence in the world.  We are each absolutely as important, and no more so, as our neighbor.

2.)  Be self-reliant first, and then help your neighbor and look to your community for support.

 

“We are a Republic. Real Liberty is never found in despotism or in the extremes of Democracy.”
— Alexander Hamilton (1755-1804) Lawyer, Secretary of the Treasury  & Secretary of State