Glinda The Good Witch

So I watched The Wizard of Oz on tv tonight.  I know that this is probably controversial, but I think that Glinda “The Good Witch” would actually be hard to take, because she’s really so annoying, but also really powerful and could turn you into vapor or dust or something if she wanted to, accountable to no one, and so you’d have to be all nice her to her and whatever, totally faking it the whole time.

Sounds From Thanksgiving (redux)

Dear Readers:

I dipped into the archives for this silly lil nugget.   Please enjoy, and Happy Thanksgiving!

           -         Editor

 

·         Sounds From Thanksgiving

   You had cereal an hour ago, you are NOT starving.  Go find your sister.  Dakota!  Where is she?  You better not be snooping!  Where’s my whisk thingy?  Call Grandma and ask her to bring her whisk.   No, you can’t have any of that, it’s raw.  Last thing we need today is going to the emergency room with food poisoning.  DAKOTA!  Where is she?  If you get Grandma’s answering machine leave a message, she’s probably running late.  WHISK!  It’s for mixing stuff, she’ll know.  Chase, just leave the message!  Did you leave it?  Oh my GOD.  No, never mind, I’ll call her, go find your sister.  Dakota!!!  I bet we run out of butter, I should have bought more.  Is the parade on?  Go watch the parade!  Dakota, you’re missing the parade!  It’s only on one day each year!  Where were you, I’ve been calling to you!  Did you make those?  Oh they’re so cute!  Chase, look at the turkeys she made.  You made these?  Did you pick up after?  They’re so cute.  There isn’t paper snips all over your room is there?  Go watch the parade, Grandma will love them.  Did you trace your hand?  Yes you can tape some up on the front window.  Did you put away the glue?  They’re so funny and cute.  Did you trace your hand or what?  The tape is in the junk drawer.  Chase, help her.  Ok, leave her alone then, she’s ok by herself.  I said for him to leave you alone, so stop your yelling.  Go watch the parade.  No, you can’t have that; it’s to put in my coffee.  It’s like a creamer, but better.  Yes, it’s good but it’s for adults.  Yes, it has alcohol in it.  Because it’s the kind of alcohol you can drink before ten in the morning.  Stop smelling it.  Mind your business and go watch the parade.   Who’s here?  Oh hi, Happy Thanksgiving!  I can’t find my whisk; I was going to call you.  Yeah I can use a spoon, but. . .did you see the turkeys she made?  She did them all by herself up in her room.  I think she traced her hand.  I bet it’s a mess up there.  I’ve got coffee and Baileys but I think it’s time to move to wine!  HAHA.  Beth and Doug are coming soon with the twins and hopefully Cubby and his girlfriend will be here for dinner.  Who’s crying?  Why are you crying?  God, Chase will you please just leave her alone?  Go watch the parade.  Then watch something else.  Then go read a book.  Mostly get out of this kitchen.  Ok, it’s time for wine!  HAHAHA.  It’s happy hour somewhere!  Did you bring rolls?  Oh thank you.  I hope I have enough butter, probably should have bought more.  Oh well.  Yeah, get us a couple wine glasses up there.  There you go!  I got the box wine this year, two of them!  HAHA, five liters for you and five liters for me!! Just kidding, Cubby will drink one by himself I bet.  You turn that handle thing.  Watch out it comes out fast!  Told you!  HAHA.  The paper towel roll if over there.  Oh boy, we’re in trouble.  It’s been in for two hours.  I used a ton of butter all over it like you said.  I hope I don’t run out.  I probably should have bought more.  Dakota, you left the tape here.  Put it back in the junk drawer, please.  Dakota!  Well then answer me!  Put the scotch tape back, please.   Oh hi!  Where’d you come from?  Ha-ha I almost tripped over her, did you see her come in?  Oh my God you look adorable!  Oh Beth I love the outfits.  They look so cute!  Happy Thanksgiving!  You look so cute!  Why is she crying?  Why are you crying?   Do you want to watch a movie with the kids?  Put on a movie for the twins.  Chase.  Chase!  Put on a movie for the twins.  What movie do you want to watch?  What movie do they like?  What movie do you like?  Rudolph?  Chase put on Rudolph for the babies.  Do you want wine or coffee?  I’ve got Baileys.  I’m having both.  I’m going to be a wide awake drunk!  Ha-ha.  Where’s Doug?  Oh hi, Doug.  Glad you didn’t have to work this year!  Want some wine?  Or I have beer in the fridge, help yourself.  Wow, Cubby and his girl are here already!  What’s her name again?  She’s so pretty.  Chase, help Uncle Cubby in with that stuff!  Hi Cubby, hi, Happy Thanksgiving!  No, we’re just getting started!  Want some wine, or we have beer in the fridge.  Dakota made the turkeys on the windows.  Did you hear that, Dakota?  Yeah, she traced her hand, I think.  Dakota?  She’s in her own little world, I swear.  It’s box wine, watch out it comes out fast.  I love that outfit, you look so cute.  Not you Cubby, wiseass.  Ha-ha.  Ok, yes, you look cute too, jerk.  Ha-ha.  It’s ok, the paper towel roll is right there on the counter.    Wow, Baileys and wine are potent together.  My ears are sweating.  Well, cheers everybody.  I’m starving too, but we’ve got another hour or so.  Have some nuts and chips.  Mom made her sweet potatoes this year.  I know, YUM!  Happy Thanksgiving.  Aww, I love you too, Mom, it’s so great to have everyone here, isn’t it?  Yeah, I’m missing him, too.  Wait, who’s crying?  Why is she crying?  Why are you crying?  Who has her Hello Kitty pocketbook?  Give it back to her, it’s not funny teasing a little kid.  You know better.  They’re all hyped up.  Maybe we should give them some wine.  Ha-ha.  Or Benadryl.  HA-HA!  Cheers.  Happy Thanksgiving everyone.  The turkey smells SO GOOD.  God, I’m starving. 

  

 

When We Have An Idea

Trending Now:  

Idée Fixe

(noun) 

Definition : an idea that dominates one's mind especially for a prolonged period : obsession

Before You Apologize

If you’re ever in a conversation and  hear yourself apologizing for not having received a voicemail or text, take a moment and consider what a bullshit notion that is.

In The End, It's All In the Name

It’d probably be hard to prove, but I bet that a stellar marketing team at the company that makes the butt cream RectiCare had some contentious arguments and ultimately passed on several contenders before they enthusiastically got behind the perfect product name.

To Leave or Stay

I saw a report on the news tonight that a significant percentage of Facebook subscribers are leaving the platform because of the site’s encroachment on personal information.  The story told us that Facebook users have had it with the site’s use of algorithms designed to segment users by demographics for the purpose of marketing and tracking political affiliation and using that data to control content available to users.  The thought of that kind of social media manipulation is outrageous and unacceptable.  But I have a theory, and I know that it is probably controversial and perhaps not even considered by Facebook.  I think that maybe, and I know this sounds crazy, some people announce that they’re “leaving” Facebook with the intent of determining who amongst their friends will react with strong emotion, imploring them to stay or conversely, fully supporting their decision to “leave” as justifiable. To take this theory (bear with me) to another extreme level, some of these folks may actually then “hover” after “leaving” Facebook to keep track of what’s going on in their “absence”, with the absolute plan to eventually return to the platform in due time.  I think the decision to stay or leave is an individual’s right.  But I would ask someone about to make that kind of profound and completely reversable and totally inconsequential choice, “won’t you miss the cat videos?”

When It Starts With the Beeping

That moment when one of your apartment’s 20-year-old combination smoke and carbon dioxide detectors starts randomly beeping and you aren’t cooking and have no candles burning or anything.  And then you manage to take it down off the wall and shake it and whatever, but it keeps on with the freaking beeping so loud and you take the batteries out and put them back in and it’s still beeping so freaking loud and so you take them out again and look for replacements, which totally aren’t where you thought they were, but you find them eventually in a bag under your bed.  And then you put the replacements in and it starts again with the  freaking beeping so loud and you start to plead with the detector, asking it what the hell it wants, and of course they never answer you and so you take the new batteries out and say ok I just can’t do this right now, I’ll deal with you tomorrow, and you hope there’s no gas leak or anything but what the hell can you do so you put the empty detector on the dresser and watch The Godfather and just hope for the best.

Holding Hands with My Old Man

When I was 16, my dad and I were on our way to meet my mom at a photographer’s studio downtown to pose for our only professional family portrait ever.  Walking from a nearby parking lot, he and I waited in our uncomfortable suits to cross at an intersection near the studio, and as the light changed, my dad grabbed my hand.  In that instant I was shocked and embarrassed that he had done it and confused especially because as he was so rarely demonstrative of his affections to me, but we walked across the busy intersection, my hand in his.  I never really thought much about that experience again until a few years later, after my dad passed away suddenly.  As I reconciled with conflicted emotions his leaving me so early, the memory of the embarrassing moment at the intersection that day reminded and comforted me that his instinct was to protect me.

Pop Culture Reality Check

Spotting Fail

Two young guys at the gym, both wearing earbuds. Young guy # one benching, young guy # two “spotting” his bench bro.  Young guy # one lifts semi heavy load, executes a couple of decent reps, last one lands on his chest.  Young guy # one gasps, “Brian! Brian! Brian! Brian!”.  Young guy # two (apparently his name is Brian), earbuds in, checking cellphone, doesn’t hear or see his gasping bench bro directly in front of him.  Old guy on next bench without earbuds (me) pulls bar off young guy # one’s chest.  Both young guys say, in unison, “Thanks, man”.    Old guy (me) replies, “No problem, Brian.”

Told Ya

I remember when I was 4 years old in 1965, my parents took me to McDonalds for lunch.  I got a milk with my meal, and my mom handed me a plastic straw and instructed me how to use it.  The concept seemed primitive and outrageously reckless to me, but I did as I was told, and I remember thinking at that moment, “Really?  This obviously non-biodegradable device is what we’re going to use to drink milk?  Ok, let’s roll the dice; let’s not think about sea turtles and the coral reef and stuff, but mark my words, someday there will surely be repercussions for our unfathomable transgressions here today.  Someday this insanity will be addressed.  God bless us.”  And sure as shit, that time has come.   

Say it, Again?

What’s so cool about double speak is that you get, you know, twice as much.  #bargain

Yesterday I said that, absolutely and under any or no circumstances, would I ever agree to what was perhaps and probably never proposed, but what I meant to say is that I wouldn’t not agree to refuse to entertain any proposal, and rather that I would never not regularly accept the opportunity to, and with full confidence, disagree with any proposal presented, or not.  I hope that this clarifies the intent of my statement.

Knowing Your Limits

So anyway, it took her a while, but finally the lady told me she can’t eat eggs because she’s pretty sure she’s allergic to dairy.

Rudeness and AI

I’ve mentioned before that I tend to use self-checkout for my shopping as part of my broader scheme to avoid human contact.  This weekend at my local grocery store and noticed a bit of a tone in the robot checkout lady’s voice.  After I scanned my items she said (in a haughty faux British accent), “insert cash or swipe card now.”  She may have caught me at a sensitive moment, but all I could think was, “would it kill you to say ‘please’?”  

2s and 4s, 1972

In 1972, when I was ten years old, I decided to change the way I wrote the numerals 2 and 4, moving from the silly soft curves and curly cue fonts I’d been taught (or had sloppily developed due to the distractions of fifth grade girls and snacks) to the tougher and manlier straight lines-only style.  It was a bold move for a ten-year-old, but went unnoticed by all but me, and set the tone for the controlled rebellion that would dictate the trajectory of my life (also unnoticed by all but me.)