Halloween 2012

Hilarious Free Halloween Edition!

 

Halloween is a great holiday for little kids.  They don’t understand or care about the spooky thing, and they really don’t even care about a costume;  they’re just psyched that they get to walk around unfamiliar neighborhoods after dark and get candy from strangers:  two activities that their parents have adamantly instructed them against over and over every day since last Halloween.  As long as the weather is warm enough, and the kids don’t have to wear coats over their costumes (you’ll know, because you’ll hear crying all over the neighborhood), you’ll see them at their sugar-high happiest.  Some of them are SO cute, and proud of their costumes, or not really sure what they’re supposed to be (Moms will coach them from the curb with passive aggressive comments cloaked in forced chuckles.)  Others will have had a few too many Smarties, and will have a meltdown on your porch, either grabbing candy from you or refusing to speak at all (Moms will coach them from the curb, too, embarrassed and through clenched teeth.)

Another group you’ll encounter are adolescents who are really too old for trick or treating, but too young to score a case of beer for a real Halloween party.  They’ll all throw together costumes last minute, and will appear at your door as “Cowboy Zombies”, “Clown Zombies”, or “Pirate Zombies”.  For fun, I like to “guess” the Cowboy, Clown or Pirate part of their costume and not “get” the whole zombie thing.  We then make eye contact and nod an acknowledgement, silently agreeing that I will provide them with candy and in exchange they will not egg my house after I turn the lights off.  They typically don’t say thank you;  but a “thank you” would be pointless and even rude considering the extortion that has just transpired.

A separate segment of adolescents will show up this year for the first and last time, appearing as a “Favorite Classical Composer” or “Mutated DNA” or with a UNICEF Collection Can.  The teenagers in this sub-group will travel alone.

The last group of Halloween revelers is comprised of “adults”.  As long as you stay home on Halloween night, you probably won’t encounter too many of these costumed folks, although a few may come to your door under the guise of escorting their young children for trick or treat.  It is best to not engage the adult Halloween enthusiast.  Simply be polite and divert your eyes.

If you are forced to interact with an adult in a Halloween costume, keep the conversation short and courteous.  Always offer a generic compliment for his or her effort (i.e., “wow, that’s GREAT!” or “You sure put a bunch of work into that costume, AWESOME job!”), and then back away.  NEVER try to guess what the person is supposed to be.

        Don’t assume, and NEVER “guess” out loud that……………………….

…..the short guy wearing a loin cloth with a bone through his nose is supposed to be a pygmy.  Maybe he’s just supposed to be a “regular sized jungle native guy.”

…..any Latin woman is supposed to be Charo.

…..the woman dressed as a nurse/ bride/nun/ cat is supposed to be a “slutty nurse/bride/nun/cat.”

…..the overweight guy wearing a shirt with the sleeves cut off and a John Deere hat is supposed to be Larry the Cable Guy, or is a guy, period.

…..any woman wearing a ridiculous evening gown and garish make-up is even dressed up for Halloween at all.  If you forget the first warning, definitely don’t assume, much less offer up your guess,  that she is supposed to be Miss Piggy or a Pregnant Zombie Prom Queen.

 

Disclaimer and Advice:  There was a time when I would dress up for Halloween (as an “adult”).  My costume selection would have only one requirement:  It must allow for unencumbered drinking.  Every Halloween party has one guy who shows up in a fantastic and elaborate rubber mask.  For 20 minutes he basks in the anonymous attention he receives, stealthily sneaking a cup to his lips under the mask.  30 minutes into the party, the mask is off for good, his hair is a sweaty mess, and he’s had 13 Jell-O shots.  My advice is to stick with no-mask options, such as Zombie Lunch Lady and Zombie Bag of Jelly Beans.

 

 

Sounds From Trick or Treating

Say trick or treat.  Do your ears itch?  Hold her hand on the stairs. It’s so warm tonight, perfect.  Say thank you, Cody.  What did you get?  YUM!  Thank you!  Yes it’s SO warm!  Was never this warm when we were kids.  Hold her hand on the way down.  She keeps taking her ears off.  Where’s your flashlight?  Did you say thank you so she could hear it?  Are you sweating?  Did they know what you are?  That’s ok, don’t worry, they’re old.  Say trick or treat.  Don’t shine the flashlight at the lady.  Cody, move over so the baby can get her candy!  Thank you!  Are you too hot?  Yes, it’s her first time.  A bunny.  That’s what she wanted to be.  Here are her ears, ha ha. Thank you.  Watch your step on those stairs!  God I should have taken that cape up, he’s going to break his neck.  Say thank you.  Where’s your bag?  It’s getting cold.  Watch your step.  Say trick or treat!  Trick or treat!  Say hi.  Yeah, she’s the baby, first time this year.  A bunny.  She wanted to be a bunny, so I said….  Hold her hand, Cody.  Put her ears on.  Hi, trick or treat!  Watch your step.  Let her carry her own bag.  Carry your own bag, hon.  Yes, he’s getting big, right?  Say thank you.  It’s ok, she doesn’t have to wear them, give them to me.  Did you say thank you?  Thank you.  Pick your feet up in the leaves.  You did such a good job.  What did you get?  Of course they knew you are a bunny.  No, no gum til we get home.  Don’t scuff in the leaves.  Nothing til we get home and I can check it.  Shine the flashlight on the SIDEWALK, please.  I saw what you were doing.  It’s really getting cold now.  This house is ok.  No, they are nice, they’re just old.  Talk loud so they can hear you.  Watch your step.  Is the mask rubbing?  You can take it off.  No, they won’t know who you are.  This is grandma’s neighborhood.  Hi Happy Halloween!  Hold her hand on those stairs.  I should have put reflectors on that cape.   If you don’t wear your ears, they won’t know that you’re a bunny.  Your bag is almost full, dump some in here.  Please stop scuffing the leaves!  Now your shoes are soaked.  The last one thought he was Darth Vader, he was so mad.  I don’t know, they’re old.    Your nose is running, come here.  Say trick or treat!  Hi, trick or treat!  Yeah, she’s a bunny.  She loves bunnies and….It’s getting cold!  It was warm earlier.  Oh well.  Hold her hand on the way down.  Did you say thank you? Watch your step coming down.  Where’s your flashlight?  You better, it’s uncle Noonie’s.  Ok, let me hold it then.  What did you get?  Oh, they’re good!  They gave the giant ones.  Nice.  No, not til we get home.  I have to look at it.  You want to go home?  We still have a bunch of houses.  Are your legs tired?  Her legs are tired.  Ok, you can stay with me and Cody can go up alone.  Take her bag and tell them it’s for your sister.  Trick or treat!  No scuffing, please.  Hi, it’s so cold!  I know, it was really warm earlier.  The second bag is for the baby.  She pooped out.  Oh, wait, Cody, wait for the baby, help her get up there.  Did you say thank you?  She wants to trick or treat again.  Here, put her ears back on.  Say trick or treat.  Trick or treat!  She’s a bunny.  Say thank you.   Did you say thank you?  Did she say thank you?  Thank you!  Happy Halloween!  What did you get?  It’s freezing, let’s go to grandma’s.

 

                                                                 HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!!!!!

A Tidbit and Rattling Randomness, etc.

The Rant is Still Free!  And Totally Worth It!

 

Exciting New Feature (included in the base price)

Each post of The Rant will now include an interesting tidbit about me.

Facts You Should Know About Me

·       3 of the activities on my Bucket List involve actual buckets.

 

Some Random Thoughts Rattling Around My Head This Week

·       I find it odd that the TV commercial for Korean Airlines doesn’t show any Asians.

·       Spoiler alert:  In the new Lone Ranger movie trailer, I think Johnny Depp sounds just like Mr. Miyagi.

·       Now when you see The Karate Kid listed on TV, it’s the Jackie Chan one.  It’s a good flick, but kind of a letdown if you’re all ready for “wax on, wax off”.

·       When that guy jumped/fell out of the hot air balloon from outer space, I bet at some point he thought to himself, if only for a moment, “this was a big mistake.”

·       Dishwashing liquids aren’t advertising their “antibacterial” properties nearly as much as they used to.  I think the Bacteria Anti-Defamation league has struck again.

·       I don’t think anyone needs more than 5 pairs of shoes.  I mean, come on, how many pairs of shoes do you need? If you have more than 5 pairs of shoes, you should share them.  Everyone should have his or her fair share of shoes.

·       Dogs and cats can catch human flu, but people can’t catch dog and cat flu.  That just doesn’t seem fair.

·       I don’t think anyone needs more than 5 cats.  I mean, come on, how many cats do you need?  If you have more than 5 cats, you should share them.  Everyone should have his or her fair share of cats.

·       I hate political metaphors.

·       Russell Means died today.  I’m a fan of his because he was great as Chingachgook in the Daniel Day Lewis version of Last of the Mohicans (and he also did the chief's voice in Disney’s Pocahontas).  The scene in Last of the Mohicans where he killed Magua with that badass axe thing on the rockcliff was so vivid and memorable.  Mean’s real legacy was as an activist and leader of the American Indian Movement.  Look him up if you aren’t familiar with his work.

Sounds from a Fall Garage Sale

Got a great day for it.  Sure is.  Cold though.  Fall in the North Country.  I know but I’m never ready for it.  Hard frost last night.  I know, I think I lost a bunch of plants.  Stay right here next to me, please, you too Bonnie.  Will this remote work on both of these?  I see you put down burlap, smart.  Yeah, comes with the territory.  Good morning.  Make an offer on anything, it’s all negotiable.  That’s no good.  Radio said it was 22.  No, but it’s my own fault, should have covered them.  I know.  This rocker is so cute.  You girls stay with me.  I believe it.  These are nice.  They were a set. Do you have books?  Excuse me, how much is this?  Very nice.  Would Shay use this in her dorm?  One broke.  At least the sun’s out.  Do these work?  The sale a couple of houses over is all baby stuff.  These are so pretty.  Do you need to sit in the car?  Good morning.  How about five for this?  Does this work?  Or other clothes too maybe.  Make an offer, everything’s up for grabs.  Excuse me.  You picked a cold one.  There should be tape on the bottom, I think three dollars?  My mother makes these, lot of work!  April, what did I say?  Where did I put my coffee?  And records, they have albums and such. If you want that, I’ll throw the box there in with it.  April, if you do it she will think she can do it.  What are these?  Make an offer, it’s all negotiable.  This was on the dollar table, is that right? Good morning.  Did I bring my coffee from the car?  Please behave.  Got cold!  I’ll say!  Some have stickers, some have signs on the table.  Don’t need any more baby stuff!  Excuse me.  Do you have the net thing for these?  I wasn’t ready to have to scrape this morning.   Does this flashlight thingy work? Ugh, not ready for summer to end.  Is this for the pool?  Can I sneak by here?  Gosh, good turnout, huh?  April, you two need to stay with me or you will go sit in the car. Are you doing this tomorrow too?  It takes triple A, I’m pretty sure.  Excuse me.  Make me an offer, it’s all gotta go.  Do you have the adaptor for this?  It was cold in the tree stand at four am, this is warm in comparison!  Bonnie, please stay with April.  Supposed to rain, I think.  Do you really need those?  Are these a set for ten bucks?  Has a radio too, that should work.  Some people are only looking for baby stuff, but it’s been a long time since we had babies.  Wow.  See any?  I didn’t dress warm enough, so cold.  Would you take eight?  Please pardon her, I’m so sorry.  Is the charger in the box?  Will these fit on that base?  Oh neat, it has a flasher thingy on it.  Are all of these five dollars?  What are you going to do with another set?  April!  I’ll put it in the truck.  Amazing I still have a turntable, believe that?  This is chipped.  Whatever.  No problem, she’s having fun.  So pretty this time of year.  Ha ha ha, I know, everything is on the computer now!  They go with a serving tray, but I lost that.  No, but a lot of poop.  Does this work?  Very nice.  They don’t make them like that now, all plastic these days.  Girls!  They’re out there.  Some of those are original with Pepsi printed on them.  I may go check to see what albums they have.  Bow, right?  This looks like it’s broken on the leg, will you take two for it?  Put it down, now.  Yeah, the leaves are changing so early it seems.  My dad used to say, one man’s trash is another man’s clutter!  Bonnie, let that lady look at the dresser.  Wait a minute, sorry now I see the sign.  Do these work?  Remember we had one of these?  So cool, I had a friend who had a real Pepsi cooler like they used to have in the stores. That’s real hunting, challenging, right?  It’s the frost, makes them change quick.  Yeah.  Good morning!  What do you even use this for?  Very nice.  Oh my God, these are great!  I’m asking you to give me five minutes to check out some of these things, is that too much?  And now she has you at the garage sales.  Can I plug this in?  Be snow blowing soon.  Would you take five for both of these?  He loves it.  Wow, I haven’t seen these in forever!  April, that’s not yours, is that yours?  Will this work with our printer?  He looks like he loves it, ha ha.  Yeah, my son was in scouts years ago, we have a ton of it.  Does this work?  Oh God, don’t say that!  Put it down.  She’s fine.  Do these work?  No, she knows better.  Is this a spreader thing?  Jeez I still have to mow my lawn once more.  Hate this.  How much is this?

Zombees, Corn Riots, mmmBacon, I'm Unstuck in Time, etc.

 

 

·         “Zombie” honeybees have been discovered in the Pacific Northwest.  These bees have some sort of parasite that slowly eats their brains, causing the bees to act strangely.  Apiologists (bee scientists) have observed the bees building hives with no exits, and experiencing slurred buzzing, periodic forgetfulness, agitation, premature pollination, and occasional insomnia.  

 

·         Apparently there’s a Bacon shortage predicted for 2013.  I’m hearing the story on the news just before this post goes to the publisher, but if I had more time I’d write something super funny about cholesterol and how smart and cute pigs are and opine amusingly about Arnold, the one that was on Green Acres (he went to school!), and share a cheeky and clever observation about how pork is one of those words that sounds dirty but isn’t and how it’s the “other white meat” and then end with a jocular riff about how everyone just loves the deliciousness of  bacon even though it’s SO bad for you. 

Oh well, if the shortage happens and lasts long enough,  maybe I’ll write about it next year.

 

·         Speaking of which, sort of, what’s with the rising  cost of food?  I know, it’s all about this year’s droughts and the resulting corn blight.  But how can the cost of everything increase 25 percent and not cause riots?  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to stir up the “Great American Corn Riots of 2012” or anything, but if food prices stayed the same and instead everyone’s paycheck was suddenly 25 percent short this week, I bet there’d be some ornery and self evident spontaneous demonstrations in the streets.  Same difference, folks.

 

·         Call me crazy, but I think that after I go to bed at night, spiders rappel from the ceiling and spend the wee hours silently moving my furniture a fraction of an inch.  In the morning, I swear I hear them snicker as I spill coffee, absent-mindedly setting the cup where the table used to be.

 

·         I don’t know about you, but I can’t get enough of those Hilarious fake texting auto correct fails………..

 

Hi Hon, what’s for dinner tonight?

                        I want a divorce.

?????

                        I meant, Chicken.  grrr auto correct!

 

 

What’s up?

                        My friends hate you.

What??

                        I meant nothing!  stupid auto correct!

 

 

Hey, Giants this weekend at my place.

                        Yeah, ok douche bag.

LOL, what?

                        I meant yeah ok Daryl.  I hate auto correct!

 

 

·         I’m sure I’ll have some “haters” over this, but my time machine appears to be a success.  So far, except for last Sunday, it’s returned me each morning to what I now sarcastically refer to as “the present.”

 

One Pretty Stupid Video

It’s been an unsettling week globally, to say the least.  While commemorating the 9/11 Attacks, the US has witnessed a week long “We Hate America” campaign in the Middle East. 

Embassies have been over run, US flags ripped down and burned.  Allies and friends as well as enemies of our country are questioning our standing.  In short, we are being watched closely.

At its worst, US diplomats and soldiers have been murdered.  At its most seemingly pointless and benign (in a worldview), cities have been ransacked and burned by marauding bands of “Radical Sects”. 

Although it is claimed that the conflagration is being perpetrated by the smallest percentage of “radicals”, some sitting governments and influential clergy have waffled between actually encouraging the demonstrations, rioting and violence, and issuing pleas for peace and order.  In some instances, the calls for order have followed stern warnings from our government, making the motivation appear disingenuous.  Some countries who are the recipients of US financial aid (with monies borrowed from China), considered to be young and growing, and holding  tenuous positions as allies, have been given “passes”  by our officials for the behavior of some of their people.  Some of these countries have advised the US that they may not be able to ensure security for our diplomats and troops.

And all of the Anti-America activity this week, we’re told, is in reaction to a poorly made and offensive video that was posted on YouTube.  Those who’ve seen the video will agree that it’s laughably bad in quality and content, and yes, offensive and even despicable.  But to claim that the Middle East is on fire because of a stupid video truly offends the intelligence of the world (not the least of which, the Islamic culture).  While insisting that violence is never an acceptable answer to disagreements, US officials have pointedly denounced the video and its offense of Islam, assuring the world audience in so many words that “it’s not our fault folks, really”.  It’s a dangerous acceptance of and focus on the wrong causal details.

That there is volatility and hatred for the West in the Middle East is unquestionable.  But the reason has precious little to do with a video, or one person’s or group of peoples “artistic” expression.  None of the freedoms Americans enjoy are justifiable causes for hatred against us, nor should any of those freedoms be subject to scrutiny as putting our security in the world at risk.

Makes one expect to soon see the creation of a US Department of Objectionable Video Content Management.

 

If I Had My Way, Island Justice, Solvency Solution, etc.

My birthday’s this week.  Birthdays usually make me pause for introspection and self-assessment.

 

·       If I could be any kind of animal, I’d be a bird; one with hands.  Or maybe a flying monkey, but not the little creepy and fake Wizard of Oz kind. 

I think I’d probably be a flying gorilla. 

One minute I’d be sitting there just staring at you, eating leaves or a banana, from behind a little spindly sapling that totally didn’t hide me.

And then, Gone! 

“Hey, wasn’t there a gorilla here just a second ago?” 

“Yeah, but he flew away.”

It seems like a flying gorilla would make a great super hero, if he harnessed his powers for good, and wore tights.

·       If I was a tree, I’d want to be a coconut tree.  It’s like being a “giving tree”, but you can really wreak havoc.  I’d drop some coconuts  and just wait.  Soon, some villagers would no doubt notice the coconuts on the ground and take them home.  I’d keep dropping a bunch of coconuts each day, and word of this quarry would spread amongst the villagers.  Free Coconuts!  And so it would go, every day.  I’d bide my time like this, maybe for weeks or months.  Patience, patience.  Stealth.  They’d never suspect a thing;  no one ever thinks they’re being observed or baited by a tree. 

Eventually I’d notice which one of the villagers was a real jerk, and then one day, when he was gathering coconuts from the ground, feeling entitled, full of cocky self-assuredness and oblivious, I’d really let one fly.  Clunk.  

The other villagers, seeing what happened to the jerk and now driven by fear and ignorance, would probably then decide that I was a sacred tree or even make me their King or something.

Plus, I like a tropical climate.  Well, except for the humidity.  And the centipedes.

·       Actually, I would prefer it if the four seasons were Late Summer, Early Fall, Autumn, and Late Spring.

 

·       If I could only have one possession, I’d make it an infinite cash resource.  <wink> 

I know, I know, but hey, we didn’t agree to rules for this game.

Two Conventions, An Aquatic Hero, The Canadian Embassy, etc.

·        I’m purposefully avoiding commenting about the substantive issues of the RNC and DNC in this forum.  I watched both with great curiosity and anxiousness and sometimes anger.  I saw some stuff in both conventions that made me sad.  I got really frustrated listening to politicians and their staffs answering different questions than they were being asked.  

 

Worse, I’ve been observing how little a lot of people (including the typically noisy/opinionated ones) seem to care about what went on during these past two weeks.  So maybe I worry too much.  But my conclusion is that we truly deserve what we get.

I bet that a lot of people think that RNC/DNC was a rap group in the 80s.

·        People who say “fustrated” instead of “frustrated” seem to use their version of the word A LOT.  They spend their lives mispronouncing the word while the rest of us flinch silently out of a sense of politeness. 

 

·        Blind wounded warrior hero and Paralympian Navy Lt. Brad Snyder won a gold medal today in swimming.  The contest he won marked the one year anniversary of the day he stepped on the bomb that took his eyesight in Afghanistan.  Besides being grateful and indebted to Lt. Snyder for his service and sacrifice, I’m beyond impressed and amazed.  How does he know where he’s going in the pool?  He swims 400 Meters, and really really fast!  When I get soap in my eyes in the shower, I panic.

 

·        Canada closed its embassy in Iran this week.  Canada knows all the same stuff we know about Iran.   Canada knows that Iran is a real and vocal and imminent threat to the free world, and that it has Israel in its crosshairs.  Something convinced Canada to break diplomatic ties with Iran.  It’s probably something really obvious.

 

 

“Diplomacy means the art of nearly deceiving all your friends, but not quite deceiving all your enemies.”

 

-Kofi Busia