Halloween 2012

Hilarious Free Halloween Edition!

 

Halloween is a great holiday for little kids.  They don’t understand or care about the spooky thing, and they really don’t even care about a costume;  they’re just psyched that they get to walk around unfamiliar neighborhoods after dark and get candy from strangers:  two activities that their parents have adamantly instructed them against over and over every day since last Halloween.  As long as the weather is warm enough, and the kids don’t have to wear coats over their costumes (you’ll know, because you’ll hear crying all over the neighborhood), you’ll see them at their sugar-high happiest.  Some of them are SO cute, and proud of their costumes, or not really sure what they’re supposed to be (Moms will coach them from the curb with passive aggressive comments cloaked in forced chuckles.)  Others will have had a few too many Smarties, and will have a meltdown on your porch, either grabbing candy from you or refusing to speak at all (Moms will coach them from the curb, too, embarrassed and through clenched teeth.)

Another group you’ll encounter are adolescents who are really too old for trick or treating, but too young to score a case of beer for a real Halloween party.  They’ll all throw together costumes last minute, and will appear at your door as “Cowboy Zombies”, “Clown Zombies”, or “Pirate Zombies”.  For fun, I like to “guess” the Cowboy, Clown or Pirate part of their costume and not “get” the whole zombie thing.  We then make eye contact and nod an acknowledgement, silently agreeing that I will provide them with candy and in exchange they will not egg my house after I turn the lights off.  They typically don’t say thank you;  but a “thank you” would be pointless and even rude considering the extortion that has just transpired.

A separate segment of adolescents will show up this year for the first and last time, appearing as a “Favorite Classical Composer” or “Mutated DNA” or with a UNICEF Collection Can.  The teenagers in this sub-group will travel alone.

The last group of Halloween revelers is comprised of “adults”.  As long as you stay home on Halloween night, you probably won’t encounter too many of these costumed folks, although a few may come to your door under the guise of escorting their young children for trick or treat.  It is best to not engage the adult Halloween enthusiast.  Simply be polite and divert your eyes.

If you are forced to interact with an adult in a Halloween costume, keep the conversation short and courteous.  Always offer a generic compliment for his or her effort (i.e., “wow, that’s GREAT!” or “You sure put a bunch of work into that costume, AWESOME job!”), and then back away.  NEVER try to guess what the person is supposed to be.

        Don’t assume, and NEVER “guess” out loud that……………………….

…..the short guy wearing a loin cloth with a bone through his nose is supposed to be a pygmy.  Maybe he’s just supposed to be a “regular sized jungle native guy.”

…..any Latin woman is supposed to be Charo.

…..the woman dressed as a nurse/ bride/nun/ cat is supposed to be a “slutty nurse/bride/nun/cat.”

…..the overweight guy wearing a shirt with the sleeves cut off and a John Deere hat is supposed to be Larry the Cable Guy, or is a guy, period.

…..any woman wearing a ridiculous evening gown and garish make-up is even dressed up for Halloween at all.  If you forget the first warning, definitely don’t assume, much less offer up your guess,  that she is supposed to be Miss Piggy or a Pregnant Zombie Prom Queen.

 

Disclaimer and Advice:  There was a time when I would dress up for Halloween (as an “adult”).  My costume selection would have only one requirement:  It must allow for unencumbered drinking.  Every Halloween party has one guy who shows up in a fantastic and elaborate rubber mask.  For 20 minutes he basks in the anonymous attention he receives, stealthily sneaking a cup to his lips under the mask.  30 minutes into the party, the mask is off for good, his hair is a sweaty mess, and he’s had 13 Jell-O shots.  My advice is to stick with no-mask options, such as Zombie Lunch Lady and Zombie Bag of Jelly Beans.

 

 

Sounds From Trick or Treating

Say trick or treat.  Do your ears itch?  Hold her hand on the stairs. It’s so warm tonight, perfect.  Say thank you, Cody.  What did you get?  YUM!  Thank you!  Yes it’s SO warm!  Was never this warm when we were kids.  Hold her hand on the way down.  She keeps taking her ears off.  Where’s your flashlight?  Did you say thank you so she could hear it?  Are you sweating?  Did they know what you are?  That’s ok, don’t worry, they’re old.  Say trick or treat.  Don’t shine the flashlight at the lady.  Cody, move over so the baby can get her candy!  Thank you!  Are you too hot?  Yes, it’s her first time.  A bunny.  That’s what she wanted to be.  Here are her ears, ha ha. Thank you.  Watch your step on those stairs!  God I should have taken that cape up, he’s going to break his neck.  Say thank you.  Where’s your bag?  It’s getting cold.  Watch your step.  Say trick or treat!  Trick or treat!  Say hi.  Yeah, she’s the baby, first time this year.  A bunny.  She wanted to be a bunny, so I said….  Hold her hand, Cody.  Put her ears on.  Hi, trick or treat!  Watch your step.  Let her carry her own bag.  Carry your own bag, hon.  Yes, he’s getting big, right?  Say thank you.  It’s ok, she doesn’t have to wear them, give them to me.  Did you say thank you?  Thank you.  Pick your feet up in the leaves.  You did such a good job.  What did you get?  Of course they knew you are a bunny.  No, no gum til we get home.  Don’t scuff in the leaves.  Nothing til we get home and I can check it.  Shine the flashlight on the SIDEWALK, please.  I saw what you were doing.  It’s really getting cold now.  This house is ok.  No, they are nice, they’re just old.  Talk loud so they can hear you.  Watch your step.  Is the mask rubbing?  You can take it off.  No, they won’t know who you are.  This is grandma’s neighborhood.  Hi Happy Halloween!  Hold her hand on those stairs.  I should have put reflectors on that cape.   If you don’t wear your ears, they won’t know that you’re a bunny.  Your bag is almost full, dump some in here.  Please stop scuffing the leaves!  Now your shoes are soaked.  The last one thought he was Darth Vader, he was so mad.  I don’t know, they’re old.    Your nose is running, come here.  Say trick or treat!  Hi, trick or treat!  Yeah, she’s a bunny.  She loves bunnies and….It’s getting cold!  It was warm earlier.  Oh well.  Hold her hand on the way down.  Did you say thank you? Watch your step coming down.  Where’s your flashlight?  You better, it’s uncle Noonie’s.  Ok, let me hold it then.  What did you get?  Oh, they’re good!  They gave the giant ones.  Nice.  No, not til we get home.  I have to look at it.  You want to go home?  We still have a bunch of houses.  Are your legs tired?  Her legs are tired.  Ok, you can stay with me and Cody can go up alone.  Take her bag and tell them it’s for your sister.  Trick or treat!  No scuffing, please.  Hi, it’s so cold!  I know, it was really warm earlier.  The second bag is for the baby.  She pooped out.  Oh, wait, Cody, wait for the baby, help her get up there.  Did you say thank you?  She wants to trick or treat again.  Here, put her ears back on.  Say trick or treat.  Trick or treat!  She’s a bunny.  Say thank you.   Did you say thank you?  Did she say thank you?  Thank you!  Happy Halloween!  What did you get?  It’s freezing, let’s go to grandma’s.

 

                                                                 HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!!!!!