Soft Serve, Juggalos, Opposites Attract, Duck Lips, etc.

·         The other night I drove past the spring opening of a  local soft serve ice cream shop.  There must have been 400 people in the parking lot; some were even spilling out into the street.  Those people seemed ravenous to get at that delicious soft serve ice cream.  I could picture some of these folks, snowed in and frozen dessert-starved for these last six months, excitedly crossing off days on a kitchen calendar especially dedicated to this event.  Witnessing this phenomenon  gave me what is probably a hair-brained and crazy idea for a new niche-filling business :  A Winter Soft Serve Ice Cream Shop.

·         Two Juggalos rode past my house on their bicycles the other day.  I thought to myself, wow, it’s so great that their organization still exists; otherwise, I bet there’d be a bunch of insane clown type people with no truly relevant, satisfying and meaningful social outlet.

·         Sometimes, you’ll see a really doofy looking guy with an incredibly beautiful girl, and they act like they’re so happy and in love and stuff.  You can’t help but stare as you try to process how these two ended up together, and you finally conclude that he’s probably rich and she must be a shallow gold digger.  What a couple of superficial loser phonies, you smirk to yourself, in your superior judgmental aloneness. 

·         I think it would have been so cool if the Blue Angel pilots and White House tour guides had been invited to the President’s “Memphis blues” shindig with Justin “Otis” Timberlake the other night.  I’m pretty sure they were available.

·         Sometimes when I’m at  a bar listening to a band, I wonder if the other people are dancing to a different song than I’m hearing.

·         A lot of people don’t know this, but the first “wave” at a sporting event actually happened completely by coincidence.

·         Probably no one knows exactly when it happened, but at some point, a woman did the first “duck lips” pose for a picture.  Man, it really caught on, and I hate her.

Calculus, DOMA, Smoke Signals, Holiday Eggs, etc.

·         Apparently, the new favorite word used to describe and defend ones thought process or reasoning is “calculus”.  I think it’s because for most of us, calculus is a totally foreign thing that sounds like it must be really hard and important and complicated.  To make a point of view sound more robust, sometimes a person will declare his or her calculus to be “common sense”.  That way, you can’t disagree, or you’ll be arguing against common sense.  Anyway, I think a lot of people’s common sense calculus is quite often still just bullshit.

·         I predict that Jim Carrey is one French Legion of Honor award away from being his generation’s Jerry Lewis.  The transition from edgy comic boy genius to angry, self-righteous and irrelevant unfunny old guy is always an interesting crash-and-burn to watch.  

·         At first I thought I was hearing people referring to the  “Defensive Marriage Act”.  That seemed about right.  How insecure do you have to feel about something you do, to be afraid that if someone else does it, even with a variation, it will in any way diminish your thing? 

·         I think a lot of people in the US watch what’s happening in Cyprus like it’s a fantasy horror movie.  I mean, come on, “Cyprus” even sounds mythical.  Man, we’ve really got this collective arrogant judgmental denial thing down, don’t we?

·         I know this is a controversial subject, and I don’t want to offend anyone, but whether you call them Easter eggs or Holiday eggs, they’re all mostly not really from rabbits.

·         This month marked the second failure in a decade by the Vatican Fire Department to get the Sacred College of Cardinals to use an air horn instead of the white or black smoke traditionally used to signify the status of the Pope selection process. The fire department has unsuccessfully suggested that it would be preferable to toot the horn once to signify that the Cardinals were “still thinking about it..”, and use two toots and a long blast to signify “we picked a Pope!”.   According to a Vatican Fire Department spokesperson,  their suggestion for a change is based on the fact that smoke is also sometimes recognized as a signal that, you know, the Vatican is on fire.

·         The way things are going, I think at some point all of us will have to just accept that Justin Bieber is a badass. 

Toilet Seats, White House Tours, Robots, etc.

·         They say that “71 is the new 30”.  So I guess it follows that if you multiply any age by .42 you come up with your “new” age.  That calculation makes me 21 and a half, which is cool, because I’m still old enough to drink. Phew.

·         There’s a new Kohler TV commercial that shows a self-closing toilet seat.  I assume that it was designed by a female engineer who finally accepted that the “ultimate mass education of all men and boys initiative” has been a huge failure.  I wonder if Kohler is now working on a self-replacing toilet paper roll.

·         Because of the sequestration, the White house has suspended tours, and a bunch of school kids are really upset because their field trips were cancelled.  The tours were self-guided, but I guess someone has to be paid to oversee the operation, and suspending the tours saves the costs of those salaries and security.  I wonder if the signs announcing the suspension, that they probably posted on the windows of the White House, or maybe on a fancy easel at the front door, were created by the three White House calligraphers.  Three calligraphers, in 2013, seems to be a bit excessive, but to be fair, I think one of them specializes in italic Cambria sans serif font, which is probably really hard to do with a quill on parchment paper, you know.   

·         I saw one of those personal injury lawyer ads on TV that told you who to call if you’ve had bad robotic surgery.  I haven’t heard much about this problem, but I think you should be upset if robots operate on you even if they’re successful.

 

                                   New Feature!  (same low price)

Arbitrary Policy Change Proposals Based on Packaging, Aesthetics and Emotion Rather Than Function, And Without Measurable Benefits: 

·         Proposed NYC Soda Ban:  You can buy and drink 12 ounce cups of sugary soda all day long, but if you order a 32 ounce big gulp, that’s excessive and unhealthy. 

·         TSA:  They are thinking about allowing pocket knives and baseball bats back on airlines.  It’ll be ok now though, they say, because the cockpits are fortified.  Box cutters will still be prohibited, because they’re, well, you know. 

·         Gun Control:  Semi-automatic rifles are BAD and dangerous and unnecessary and must be banned!  The Vice-President, who was assigned to head a gun violence solutions task force after the tragic Newtown, CT shooting, recommends that if you want to deal with an intruder, you should recklessly fire two blasts from your double barrel 12 gauge shotgun off your balcony. 

Electronic cigarettes, Tribute Bands, Mediterranean Diet, etc.

·         I could swear that this guy who was smoking an electronic cigarette outside Walmart today purposefully blew water vapor at me.  There was no avoiding it.  Disgusting.  I bet all his clothes smell like water.

·         You always hear about someone being smitten and what a wonderful thing it is.  Somebody will wink and say in the sing-songy kind of way….“Oooo (insert your name here), you’re smitten by her, aren’t you?”  The word smitten is probably on a lot of Valentine’s Day cards.  It’s a romantic thing to be smitten, I think, unless it’s by God or an army.  So don’t go jumping to conclusions.   I’m just saying, sometimes past participles need interpretation. 

·         There are bands that perform tribute acts to more famous bands.  All night long they just play songs by the more famous bands.  More ambitious tribute bands try to look and sound exactly like the more famous bands they’re covering.  It must be hard to decide which famous band to cover.  I guess maybe they look at the guys in their band and somebody says something like “hey, our piano player sounds just like that guy from the Doobie Brothers!”  That gets the ball rolling.  Some of the tribute bands are so good!  Fans of the more famous bands listen to these tribute concerts in a sort of suspended reality, imagining that they’re listening to the more famous bands.  I wonder how far groupies of cover bands are willing to go to live out their fantasies.  They may even go home with members of the cover band to fully satisfy the experience.  Of course, they have to wait until the tribute band breaks down its equipment, unless the cover band has its own tribute roadies.  Some of the tribute bands that cover the Beatles seem to intentionally use a right handed Paul McCartney just so that people don’t get totally lost in the illusion.  That’s responsible of them, I think.

·         I bet that the Mediterranean diet is healthiest to eat if you actually live in the Mediterranean.  I really wonder if some people there are able to afford to eat the Mediterranean diet.  It’d suck if you lived in Greece but could only afford mac and cheese with hotdogs or ramen.

·         I received another AARP application in the mail today. They’re pretty crafty, those AARP people.  The paperwork comes with a membership card with your name already printed on it, and all of the documents imply that you’re already a member, and that you just need to update your membership by sending back the application and a check.  The packaging of the application was very confusing and took me about five minutes to open.  I found the whole experience very sinister and deceptive and designed to trick aging people out of their money.  Anyway, I hope my check clears.

·         Steven Seagal and John Travolta have the same barber, I think.

Last Minute Valentine's Day Gift Idea, Moonshiners, Cruise Manners, etc.

·         A very popular Valentine’s Day gift this year is the adorable four feet tall over stuffed Teddy Bear.  I think it’s the perfect way to tell the girl of your dreams, “Honey, I REALLY hate to cuddle.”

 

·         Words that always make me giggle:

Fracking

Dither

Asteroids

Innuendo

 

·         I think that when a politician is being interviewed and obviously and deliberately slows the cadence of his or her speech, clearly for the purpose of monopolizing airtime, it should be acceptable for the TV moderator to smack him or her in the back of the head.

 

·         Sometimes the TV show about Moonshiners is on at the same time the show about Alligator Hunters is on.  It’s so hard to decide between the two of them.  I wish they’d make a new show about Moonshining Alligator hunters.  I bet some of the people on the two shows are even related, so it might be do-able.  It’d sure make my life easier.  If they did make that combination show, I bet there’d be a guy on it with only one hand.  Maybe they’d call him Lefty, which would be so funny, but probably his real name would be Cletus, or something.

 

 

·         Sometimes, to prove that you’re civilized, you just have to do the right thing, even if it’s hard.  For example, when you’re adrift on a crippled cruise ship, with nothing but ocean all around, it’s probably hard to stand in line for an hour to use a porto-potty.

Super Heroes, Fake Mourning, etc.

·         It must be hard to be a retired super hero.  The Commissioner is probably always asking you to come out of retirement to help the city solve a crime.  If I was a retired super hero, I  probably wouldn’t even answer my phone if I saw that it was the Commissioner calling.  Still, I’d probably get a kick out of putting on my old costume and just walking around causing a commotion sometimes.  Unless I was retired AquaMan, of course. 

 

 

·         I think that the only real difference between sinking and submerging is optimism.

 

·         Let’s beat this fake dead horse a little bit more, shall we?.............. 

What is the accepted duration for fake mourning when a fake girlfriend fake dies?  I saw Manti Te’o in the Katie Couric interview and he’s still so sad.  I’d tell him to remember that there are a million fake fish in the sea.  I’d give him advice about what to do when you fall off a fake bike……

 

·         We all remember the music greats, Fats Domino and Chubby Checker.  But you never hear much about their lesser known rock ‘n roll contemporaries, Pudgy Dice and Blubber Chess or blues guitarist Lardass Backgammon.

 

·         New Feature

               Hilarious Jokes

Students of humor agree that the three funniest joke subjects are flies, poop, and passing gas.  Some would argue that poop and passing gas are so closely related that they should only count as one subject.  I won’t argue that point.  So let’s just say that the two funniest topics in the history of humor are flies and smelly poops.  Anyway, I’m introducing a new feature that will present a hilarious joke about flies and poop and breaking wind. 

         (Editor’s Disclaimer: I did not write this joke;  I think it’s attributed to Red Skelton or Soupy Sales.)

 

Two flies are sitting on a pile of crap. 

One of them farts. 

The other one bellows in disgust, “HEY!!! I’m trying to eat over here!!”

 

·         More Questionable Animal Facts

Hamsters experience regret.

Chinese duck sauce is mostly made from Mallard ducks.

Pigs resent being the other white meat.

Ko Ko, the sign language-speaking gorilla, is said to liberally pepper his conversations with the word “friggin”.

Some bird owners suffer from a syndrome called “sympathy molt”.

Holiday Memories, A Royal Baby, Misc. Stuff, etc.

·         Holidays make for great memories.  20 years from now some people will reminisce about family New Year’s Eve celebrations when they were kids, with chips and dip, sparkling fake soda champagne, and the Walking Dead marathon.

·         I saw an artist’s rendering of what Prince Will’s and Princess Kate’s child will look like, based on a morph of their characteristics.  The little girl version is so cute, but the boy version is bald.  Cheap shot, Will probably wasn’t already bald when he was a kid.

·         I don’t get the deal with Sensa appetite suppressant sprinkles.  Do they just make the food taste bad?  And why do they have to animate the sprinkles on the commercial?  Maybe they’re invisible.  If so, I wonder how you know when the package is empty?

·         Kids should be encouraged to do their best to get good grades in school.  For example, changing a D into a B on a report card is pretty ingenious.  Plus, the D pretty much begs to be turned into a B, I mean, it’s just one more line and then kind of rounding the edges, and if you have a pen with the right colored ink, I say go for it.  Of course, the kid should be punished if he gets caught, but come on, at least give him a C+ for effort.

·         Some people seem to think that it’s ok to shoot snow from their own driveways into the driveways of their neighbors.  I guess it’s sort of a “pay it forward” thing.  Of course the last guy on the block sort of gets screwed out of the experience.

·         Someone should open a new Western-themed discount store, called “A Fist Full of Family Dollars.”

 

 

New Feature! (same low price)

                          Facetious Corner:

·         When you’re ahead of me in traffic, start riding your brakes early (100 feet before your turn), with your directional on, and then slowly turn off the thoroughfare as you look across the parking lot for the perfect spot.  Those of us lined up behind you will wait for you, take your time.

·         Let’s face it, shopping is tiring!  So please, lean on your cart, and steer it with your elbows.  Ploddingly move down the middle of the aisle, like you’re about to topple over from exhaustion.  Those of us lined up behind you will wait for you, take your time.

·         If you’re walking toward me texting, please finish your thought and keep walking with your head down.  I’ll gladly assume full responsibility for avoiding a collision.

  

Coolest Names of Musicians and Action Movie Characters:

Donald Duck Dunn, Slash, Ringo, Snake Pliskin, The Edge, Jeff Skunk Baxter, Screamin’ Jay Hawkins, Flea

 

·         Although I know that the chance of it happening is remote, I’d hate to be impaled.  I read that Dracula was based on a real count named Vlad the Impaler.  Maybe impaling was more common back then, or maybe Vlad had the market cornered on impaling.  Maybe if you needed someone impaled, you just had to call Vlad because he was the only one with the expertise and the tools.   He could pretty much charge whatever he wanted, and if you didn’t like his price, well tough.  Smart guy, that Vlad.  Even if he couldn’t really turn into a bat.