Electronic cigarettes, Tribute Bands, Mediterranean Diet, etc.

·         I could swear that this guy who was smoking an electronic cigarette outside Walmart today purposefully blew water vapor at me.  There was no avoiding it.  Disgusting.  I bet all his clothes smell like water.

·         You always hear about someone being smitten and what a wonderful thing it is.  Somebody will wink and say in the sing-songy kind of way….“Oooo (insert your name here), you’re smitten by her, aren’t you?”  The word smitten is probably on a lot of Valentine’s Day cards.  It’s a romantic thing to be smitten, I think, unless it’s by God or an army.  So don’t go jumping to conclusions.   I’m just saying, sometimes past participles need interpretation. 

·         There are bands that perform tribute acts to more famous bands.  All night long they just play songs by the more famous bands.  More ambitious tribute bands try to look and sound exactly like the more famous bands they’re covering.  It must be hard to decide which famous band to cover.  I guess maybe they look at the guys in their band and somebody says something like “hey, our piano player sounds just like that guy from the Doobie Brothers!”  That gets the ball rolling.  Some of the tribute bands are so good!  Fans of the more famous bands listen to these tribute concerts in a sort of suspended reality, imagining that they’re listening to the more famous bands.  I wonder how far groupies of cover bands are willing to go to live out their fantasies.  They may even go home with members of the cover band to fully satisfy the experience.  Of course, they have to wait until the tribute band breaks down its equipment, unless the cover band has its own tribute roadies.  Some of the tribute bands that cover the Beatles seem to intentionally use a right handed Paul McCartney just so that people don’t get totally lost in the illusion.  That’s responsible of them, I think.

·         I bet that the Mediterranean diet is healthiest to eat if you actually live in the Mediterranean.  I really wonder if some people there are able to afford to eat the Mediterranean diet.  It’d suck if you lived in Greece but could only afford mac and cheese with hotdogs or ramen.

·         I received another AARP application in the mail today. They’re pretty crafty, those AARP people.  The paperwork comes with a membership card with your name already printed on it, and all of the documents imply that you’re already a member, and that you just need to update your membership by sending back the application and a check.  The packaging of the application was very confusing and took me about five minutes to open.  I found the whole experience very sinister and deceptive and designed to trick aging people out of their money.  Anyway, I hope my check clears.

·         Steven Seagal and John Travolta have the same barber, I think.

Last Minute Valentine's Day Gift Idea, Moonshiners, Cruise Manners, etc.

·         A very popular Valentine’s Day gift this year is the adorable four feet tall over stuffed Teddy Bear.  I think it’s the perfect way to tell the girl of your dreams, “Honey, I REALLY hate to cuddle.”

 

·         Words that always make me giggle:

Fracking

Dither

Asteroids

Innuendo

 

·         I think that when a politician is being interviewed and obviously and deliberately slows the cadence of his or her speech, clearly for the purpose of monopolizing airtime, it should be acceptable for the TV moderator to smack him or her in the back of the head.

 

·         Sometimes the TV show about Moonshiners is on at the same time the show about Alligator Hunters is on.  It’s so hard to decide between the two of them.  I wish they’d make a new show about Moonshining Alligator hunters.  I bet some of the people on the two shows are even related, so it might be do-able.  It’d sure make my life easier.  If they did make that combination show, I bet there’d be a guy on it with only one hand.  Maybe they’d call him Lefty, which would be so funny, but probably his real name would be Cletus, or something.

 

 

·         Sometimes, to prove that you’re civilized, you just have to do the right thing, even if it’s hard.  For example, when you’re adrift on a crippled cruise ship, with nothing but ocean all around, it’s probably hard to stand in line for an hour to use a porto-potty.

Super Heroes, Fake Mourning, etc.

·         It must be hard to be a retired super hero.  The Commissioner is probably always asking you to come out of retirement to help the city solve a crime.  If I was a retired super hero, I  probably wouldn’t even answer my phone if I saw that it was the Commissioner calling.  Still, I’d probably get a kick out of putting on my old costume and just walking around causing a commotion sometimes.  Unless I was retired AquaMan, of course. 

 

 

·         I think that the only real difference between sinking and submerging is optimism.

 

·         Let’s beat this fake dead horse a little bit more, shall we?.............. 

What is the accepted duration for fake mourning when a fake girlfriend fake dies?  I saw Manti Te’o in the Katie Couric interview and he’s still so sad.  I’d tell him to remember that there are a million fake fish in the sea.  I’d give him advice about what to do when you fall off a fake bike……

 

·         We all remember the music greats, Fats Domino and Chubby Checker.  But you never hear much about their lesser known rock ‘n roll contemporaries, Pudgy Dice and Blubber Chess or blues guitarist Lardass Backgammon.

 

·         New Feature

               Hilarious Jokes

Students of humor agree that the three funniest joke subjects are flies, poop, and passing gas.  Some would argue that poop and passing gas are so closely related that they should only count as one subject.  I won’t argue that point.  So let’s just say that the two funniest topics in the history of humor are flies and smelly poops.  Anyway, I’m introducing a new feature that will present a hilarious joke about flies and poop and breaking wind. 

         (Editor’s Disclaimer: I did not write this joke;  I think it’s attributed to Red Skelton or Soupy Sales.)

 

Two flies are sitting on a pile of crap. 

One of them farts. 

The other one bellows in disgust, “HEY!!! I’m trying to eat over here!!”

 

·         More Questionable Animal Facts

Hamsters experience regret.

Chinese duck sauce is mostly made from Mallard ducks.

Pigs resent being the other white meat.

Ko Ko, the sign language-speaking gorilla, is said to liberally pepper his conversations with the word “friggin”.

Some bird owners suffer from a syndrome called “sympathy molt”.

Holiday Memories, A Royal Baby, Misc. Stuff, etc.

·         Holidays make for great memories.  20 years from now some people will reminisce about family New Year’s Eve celebrations when they were kids, with chips and dip, sparkling fake soda champagne, and the Walking Dead marathon.

·         I saw an artist’s rendering of what Prince Will’s and Princess Kate’s child will look like, based on a morph of their characteristics.  The little girl version is so cute, but the boy version is bald.  Cheap shot, Will probably wasn’t already bald when he was a kid.

·         I don’t get the deal with Sensa appetite suppressant sprinkles.  Do they just make the food taste bad?  And why do they have to animate the sprinkles on the commercial?  Maybe they’re invisible.  If so, I wonder how you know when the package is empty?

·         Kids should be encouraged to do their best to get good grades in school.  For example, changing a D into a B on a report card is pretty ingenious.  Plus, the D pretty much begs to be turned into a B, I mean, it’s just one more line and then kind of rounding the edges, and if you have a pen with the right colored ink, I say go for it.  Of course, the kid should be punished if he gets caught, but come on, at least give him a C+ for effort.

·         Some people seem to think that it’s ok to shoot snow from their own driveways into the driveways of their neighbors.  I guess it’s sort of a “pay it forward” thing.  Of course the last guy on the block sort of gets screwed out of the experience.

·         Someone should open a new Western-themed discount store, called “A Fist Full of Family Dollars.”

 

 

New Feature! (same low price)

                          Facetious Corner:

·         When you’re ahead of me in traffic, start riding your brakes early (100 feet before your turn), with your directional on, and then slowly turn off the thoroughfare as you look across the parking lot for the perfect spot.  Those of us lined up behind you will wait for you, take your time.

·         Let’s face it, shopping is tiring!  So please, lean on your cart, and steer it with your elbows.  Ploddingly move down the middle of the aisle, like you’re about to topple over from exhaustion.  Those of us lined up behind you will wait for you, take your time.

·         If you’re walking toward me texting, please finish your thought and keep walking with your head down.  I’ll gladly assume full responsibility for avoiding a collision.

  

Coolest Names of Musicians and Action Movie Characters:

Donald Duck Dunn, Slash, Ringo, Snake Pliskin, The Edge, Jeff Skunk Baxter, Screamin’ Jay Hawkins, Flea

 

·         Although I know that the chance of it happening is remote, I’d hate to be impaled.  I read that Dracula was based on a real count named Vlad the Impaler.  Maybe impaling was more common back then, or maybe Vlad had the market cornered on impaling.  Maybe if you needed someone impaled, you just had to call Vlad because he was the only one with the expertise and the tools.   He could pretty much charge whatever he wanted, and if you didn’t like his price, well tough.  Smart guy, that Vlad.  Even if he couldn’t really turn into a bat.

New Year's Eve Food and Drink FAQs

Another glorious year is drawing to a close, and I know that a lot of you will be celebrating tonight.  I hope that you all have a great time, and find the tips below helpful as you ring in 2013.

                         New Year’s Eve Food and Drink FAQs:

Q: What wine goes best with shots of Sambuca? 

A: Riesling.

 

Q: What’s the best snack to serve with chocolate peppermint vodka? 

A: Jalapeno and Garlic Pizza rolls.

 

Q: I’m not much of a drinker, but I want to fit in at the New Year’s Eve party I’m attending tonight.  Suggestions?

A: I recommend rum and cokes.  They taste great, and the sugary cola will give you energy and keep you going long after you should have stopped drinking.

 

Q: Times are hard.  What’s a good recipe for a tasty and zippy wine punch on a tight budget?

A: Mix 2 bottles of MD 20/20, two bottles of dollar store Benadryl, and a two liter bottle of generic ginger ale in a punch bowl or similar-sized bucket.  Add ice and enjoy!

 

                    Bonus Tips: 

• If you find yourself throwing up tonight, you probably just got a bad beer or hors d'oeuvre or maybe you are coming down with the flu; you should take some Theraflu, put on a sweater, and switch to mixed drinks at that point.  If it takes you a while to secure the Theraflu and find a sweater, pound the first couple of cocktails to catch up.

• Don’t fool yourself that you’re calorie counting tonight.  You blew it in 2012, and you’re wearing pants with an elastic waistband.  Eat all the dip you want, Tubby.

 

                                 Happy New Year, Everyone!  See you next year!   Salud!

Snow Leopards, Reindeer, Squirrels, etc.

·         If I was an Atheist, I’d keep it to myself until Christmas day.  Then, once I’d opened all of my presents, I’d jump up and exclaim “HAH!, THANKS FOR THE FREE PRESENTS, SUCKERS!!!”, and out the door I’d go, arms full.  Of course, each year I’d need to find new friends.

·         I watched a show about snow leopards on PBS; it was really good.  The narrator said that in a very rare occurrence, a natural genetic aberration causes a snow leopard cub to be born with the species’ natural yellow with black spots fur, instead of being snow white.  Although they didn’t admit it in the show, I bet when this happens, at some point there’s a gathering of the other lady snow leopards, and one of them says, “she’s not fooling anyone with that mutation story”.

·         Reindeer names Santa considered but rejected: 

Dander, Spritzer,  Retsyn, Coitus, Nixon, Hummus, Tutti and Chunder.

·         There are a bunch of squirrels in my area, and it’s always kind of sad when one gets hit by a car.  I try to make the best of it.  If I see one of the little lifeless guys in the street, I make sure no one is watching, and then put a tiny pair of dark sunglasses on him.  Later, folks walking by will see him and smile in wonder and contemplate how the heck that squirrel ever got a little pair of sunglasses.  Maybe, they’ll think, he was famous.  Or maybe, they’ll think, he got hit by a car because he was blind.

·         I think 12/12/12 deserved better attention and excitement than we gave it.  And at 12:12a, admit it, you were either asleep and missed it, or maybe you were awake and simply said "cool".   No parties, no champagne toasts, no chips and dip.  Sorry 12/12/12, you just weren’t THAT special.

·         So I spend the whole week acting all superior, mocking every Mayan I see, and then I realize that the calendar in my kitchen ends December 31, 2012, so they were only off by 10 days.  I’m feeling pretty embarrassed right now.

·         Some of you have probably been watching the original Miracle on 34^th Street movie all month.  There’s a really cute scene where Kris Kringle sings a song with a little adopted Dutch girl.  Young Susan watches the little girl and Kris interact in Dutch, and begins to believe he really is Santa.

The title of the song is "Sinterklaas." The lyrics from the movie are ...

Sinterklaas kapoentje,
Gooi wat in mijn schoentje,
Gooi wat in mijn laarsje,
Dank u, Sinterklaasje.

  I have used Google Translator to learn what the song means.

Santa Claus give me stuff

Go ahead and give me stuff

Go ahead and don’t be a tightwad

Thank you, Santa Claus.

 

                          Merry Christmas, Everyone.

The Great Toddler Snack Debate, Coveting, etc.

·         The first few times I heard the expression “Mad Skills” I thought the person was saying, “Math Skills”.  “He sure has math skills”, or “I have math skills”.  Because the context of the comment usually had nothing to do with math, I would be confused, but wouldn’t question it, because I figured I was missing something.  I’d just nod and smile, embarrassed.  Now that I know the expression is “Mad Skills” and not “Math Skills”, it all makes much more sense to me, and I heartily agree, with knowing enthusiasm and unbound admiration.

·         The TV show Glee has moved into its desperate “Next Generation” phase, like when Potsie and Fonzie became high school teachers and when the Brady kids got married. 

·         Now that the term “fiscal cliff” is being used so much, it’s pretty funny to hear how many people, even smart ones, are saying “physical cliff” instead.  It’s also curious to me that the error seems to be universally excused, like when people say “nuculer”.

·         I think it would be so strange to look out my window see a big pile of bird seed in my front yard, with a sign next to it that said “free bird seed”.    There’s no way I’d go check it out, what with all the anvil violence I’m hearing about.

·         At the mall the other day, a crowd of us gathered, clapping and cheering as we watched a guy who was dancing Gangnam style.  Man, he was really good.  Then suddenly somebody realized he was actually just choking on a tater tot.  The clapping and cheering continued through the successful application of the Heimlich maneuver (that Target Manager had mad skills) and then as the paramedics took him away.  It reminded me of that time at a keg party in college when we watched the asthmatic kid do the Worm.

·         I know that this is a controversial position, but I think that coveting shouldn’t even be a thing.  The problem with coveting is that if you actively try to avoid it, you’ve already failed.  I also think that anybody who admits to coveting deserves what they get.  If someone asks me if I covet, I’d look them right in the eye and say “nope”, even if I was totally coveting at that very moment.  No way am I falling for that trap.

·         Nobody wants to talk about this, but when it comes to dealing with toddlers, there are Cheerios parents and there are Kix parents.  I think you can’t argue that Kix parents are risk takers; why would you purposefully give a baby a snack that rolls, not to mention that it’s exactly a little bit smaller than the size of the kid’s nostrils?  There is a subset of Kix-oriented parents who just throw all caution to the wind and add cocoa puffs to the mix.  It’s just totally irresponsible, if you ask me.  Clearly, the Cheerios folks are setting their kids up for success and lower cholesterol; and even though Cheerios are round, they’re manageable.  You’ve probably guessed that I have a Cheerios bias.  I just think that Kix teaches babies bad lessons.  I bet you could do a study (I’d start with subjects in a prison or maybe on a cruise ship) and determine differences in the adult outcomes in the personalities of the children raised by these respective types.  Some parents probably mix Cheerios and Kix together, in a dangerous and confusing game of pacification without rules. I say, make up your mind and stick with your decision, create some boundaries.   And don’t even get me started on the Goldfish and Oyster cracker debate, or we’ll be here all night.