A Tidbit and Rattling Randomness, etc.

The Rant is Still Free!  And Totally Worth It!

 

Exciting New Feature (included in the base price)

Each post of The Rant will now include an interesting tidbit about me.

Facts You Should Know About Me

·       3 of the activities on my Bucket List involve actual buckets.

 

Some Random Thoughts Rattling Around My Head This Week

·       I find it odd that the TV commercial for Korean Airlines doesn’t show any Asians.

·       Spoiler alert:  In the new Lone Ranger movie trailer, I think Johnny Depp sounds just like Mr. Miyagi.

·       Now when you see The Karate Kid listed on TV, it’s the Jackie Chan one.  It’s a good flick, but kind of a letdown if you’re all ready for “wax on, wax off”.

·       When that guy jumped/fell out of the hot air balloon from outer space, I bet at some point he thought to himself, if only for a moment, “this was a big mistake.”

·       Dishwashing liquids aren’t advertising their “antibacterial” properties nearly as much as they used to.  I think the Bacteria Anti-Defamation league has struck again.

·       I don’t think anyone needs more than 5 pairs of shoes.  I mean, come on, how many pairs of shoes do you need? If you have more than 5 pairs of shoes, you should share them.  Everyone should have his or her fair share of shoes.

·       Dogs and cats can catch human flu, but people can’t catch dog and cat flu.  That just doesn’t seem fair.

·       I don’t think anyone needs more than 5 cats.  I mean, come on, how many cats do you need?  If you have more than 5 cats, you should share them.  Everyone should have his or her fair share of cats.

·       I hate political metaphors.

·       Russell Means died today.  I’m a fan of his because he was great as Chingachgook in the Daniel Day Lewis version of Last of the Mohicans (and he also did the chief's voice in Disney’s Pocahontas).  The scene in Last of the Mohicans where he killed Magua with that badass axe thing on the rockcliff was so vivid and memorable.  Mean’s real legacy was as an activist and leader of the American Indian Movement.  Look him up if you aren’t familiar with his work.

Sounds from a Fall Garage Sale

Got a great day for it.  Sure is.  Cold though.  Fall in the North Country.  I know but I’m never ready for it.  Hard frost last night.  I know, I think I lost a bunch of plants.  Stay right here next to me, please, you too Bonnie.  Will this remote work on both of these?  I see you put down burlap, smart.  Yeah, comes with the territory.  Good morning.  Make an offer on anything, it’s all negotiable.  That’s no good.  Radio said it was 22.  No, but it’s my own fault, should have covered them.  I know.  This rocker is so cute.  You girls stay with me.  I believe it.  These are nice.  They were a set. Do you have books?  Excuse me, how much is this?  Very nice.  Would Shay use this in her dorm?  One broke.  At least the sun’s out.  Do these work?  The sale a couple of houses over is all baby stuff.  These are so pretty.  Do you need to sit in the car?  Good morning.  How about five for this?  Does this work?  Or other clothes too maybe.  Make an offer, everything’s up for grabs.  Excuse me.  You picked a cold one.  There should be tape on the bottom, I think three dollars?  My mother makes these, lot of work!  April, what did I say?  Where did I put my coffee?  And records, they have albums and such. If you want that, I’ll throw the box there in with it.  April, if you do it she will think she can do it.  What are these?  Make an offer, it’s all negotiable.  This was on the dollar table, is that right? Good morning.  Did I bring my coffee from the car?  Please behave.  Got cold!  I’ll say!  Some have stickers, some have signs on the table.  Don’t need any more baby stuff!  Excuse me.  Do you have the net thing for these?  I wasn’t ready to have to scrape this morning.   Does this flashlight thingy work? Ugh, not ready for summer to end.  Is this for the pool?  Can I sneak by here?  Gosh, good turnout, huh?  April, you two need to stay with me or you will go sit in the car. Are you doing this tomorrow too?  It takes triple A, I’m pretty sure.  Excuse me.  Make me an offer, it’s all gotta go.  Do you have the adaptor for this?  It was cold in the tree stand at four am, this is warm in comparison!  Bonnie, please stay with April.  Supposed to rain, I think.  Do you really need those?  Are these a set for ten bucks?  Has a radio too, that should work.  Some people are only looking for baby stuff, but it’s been a long time since we had babies.  Wow.  See any?  I didn’t dress warm enough, so cold.  Would you take eight?  Please pardon her, I’m so sorry.  Is the charger in the box?  Will these fit on that base?  Oh neat, it has a flasher thingy on it.  Are all of these five dollars?  What are you going to do with another set?  April!  I’ll put it in the truck.  Amazing I still have a turntable, believe that?  This is chipped.  Whatever.  No problem, she’s having fun.  So pretty this time of year.  Ha ha ha, I know, everything is on the computer now!  They go with a serving tray, but I lost that.  No, but a lot of poop.  Does this work?  Very nice.  They don’t make them like that now, all plastic these days.  Girls!  They’re out there.  Some of those are original with Pepsi printed on them.  I may go check to see what albums they have.  Bow, right?  This looks like it’s broken on the leg, will you take two for it?  Put it down, now.  Yeah, the leaves are changing so early it seems.  My dad used to say, one man’s trash is another man’s clutter!  Bonnie, let that lady look at the dresser.  Wait a minute, sorry now I see the sign.  Do these work?  Remember we had one of these?  So cool, I had a friend who had a real Pepsi cooler like they used to have in the stores. That’s real hunting, challenging, right?  It’s the frost, makes them change quick.  Yeah.  Good morning!  What do you even use this for?  Very nice.  Oh my God, these are great!  I’m asking you to give me five minutes to check out some of these things, is that too much?  And now she has you at the garage sales.  Can I plug this in?  Be snow blowing soon.  Would you take five for both of these?  He loves it.  Wow, I haven’t seen these in forever!  April, that’s not yours, is that yours?  Will this work with our printer?  He looks like he loves it, ha ha.  Yeah, my son was in scouts years ago, we have a ton of it.  Does this work?  Oh God, don’t say that!  Put it down.  She’s fine.  Do these work?  No, she knows better.  Is this a spreader thing?  Jeez I still have to mow my lawn once more.  Hate this.  How much is this?

Zombees, Corn Riots, mmmBacon, I'm Unstuck in Time, etc.

 

 

·         “Zombie” honeybees have been discovered in the Pacific Northwest.  These bees have some sort of parasite that slowly eats their brains, causing the bees to act strangely.  Apiologists (bee scientists) have observed the bees building hives with no exits, and experiencing slurred buzzing, periodic forgetfulness, agitation, premature pollination, and occasional insomnia.  

 

·         Apparently there’s a Bacon shortage predicted for 2013.  I’m hearing the story on the news just before this post goes to the publisher, but if I had more time I’d write something super funny about cholesterol and how smart and cute pigs are and opine amusingly about Arnold, the one that was on Green Acres (he went to school!), and share a cheeky and clever observation about how pork is one of those words that sounds dirty but isn’t and how it’s the “other white meat” and then end with a jocular riff about how everyone just loves the deliciousness of  bacon even though it’s SO bad for you. 

Oh well, if the shortage happens and lasts long enough,  maybe I’ll write about it next year.

 

·         Speaking of which, sort of, what’s with the rising  cost of food?  I know, it’s all about this year’s droughts and the resulting corn blight.  But how can the cost of everything increase 25 percent and not cause riots?  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to stir up the “Great American Corn Riots of 2012” or anything, but if food prices stayed the same and instead everyone’s paycheck was suddenly 25 percent short this week, I bet there’d be some ornery and self evident spontaneous demonstrations in the streets.  Same difference, folks.

 

·         Call me crazy, but I think that after I go to bed at night, spiders rappel from the ceiling and spend the wee hours silently moving my furniture a fraction of an inch.  In the morning, I swear I hear them snicker as I spill coffee, absent-mindedly setting the cup where the table used to be.

 

·         I don’t know about you, but I can’t get enough of those Hilarious fake texting auto correct fails………..

 

Hi Hon, what’s for dinner tonight?

                        I want a divorce.

?????

                        I meant, Chicken.  grrr auto correct!

 

 

What’s up?

                        My friends hate you.

What??

                        I meant nothing!  stupid auto correct!

 

 

Hey, Giants this weekend at my place.

                        Yeah, ok douche bag.

LOL, what?

                        I meant yeah ok Daryl.  I hate auto correct!

 

 

·         I’m sure I’ll have some “haters” over this, but my time machine appears to be a success.  So far, except for last Sunday, it’s returned me each morning to what I now sarcastically refer to as “the present.”

 

One Pretty Stupid Video

It’s been an unsettling week globally, to say the least.  While commemorating the 9/11 Attacks, the US has witnessed a week long “We Hate America” campaign in the Middle East. 

Embassies have been over run, US flags ripped down and burned.  Allies and friends as well as enemies of our country are questioning our standing.  In short, we are being watched closely.

At its worst, US diplomats and soldiers have been murdered.  At its most seemingly pointless and benign (in a worldview), cities have been ransacked and burned by marauding bands of “Radical Sects”. 

Although it is claimed that the conflagration is being perpetrated by the smallest percentage of “radicals”, some sitting governments and influential clergy have waffled between actually encouraging the demonstrations, rioting and violence, and issuing pleas for peace and order.  In some instances, the calls for order have followed stern warnings from our government, making the motivation appear disingenuous.  Some countries who are the recipients of US financial aid (with monies borrowed from China), considered to be young and growing, and holding  tenuous positions as allies, have been given “passes”  by our officials for the behavior of some of their people.  Some of these countries have advised the US that they may not be able to ensure security for our diplomats and troops.

And all of the Anti-America activity this week, we’re told, is in reaction to a poorly made and offensive video that was posted on YouTube.  Those who’ve seen the video will agree that it’s laughably bad in quality and content, and yes, offensive and even despicable.  But to claim that the Middle East is on fire because of a stupid video truly offends the intelligence of the world (not the least of which, the Islamic culture).  While insisting that violence is never an acceptable answer to disagreements, US officials have pointedly denounced the video and its offense of Islam, assuring the world audience in so many words that “it’s not our fault folks, really”.  It’s a dangerous acceptance of and focus on the wrong causal details.

That there is volatility and hatred for the West in the Middle East is unquestionable.  But the reason has precious little to do with a video, or one person’s or group of peoples “artistic” expression.  None of the freedoms Americans enjoy are justifiable causes for hatred against us, nor should any of those freedoms be subject to scrutiny as putting our security in the world at risk.

Makes one expect to soon see the creation of a US Department of Objectionable Video Content Management.

 

If I Had My Way, Island Justice, Solvency Solution, etc.

My birthday’s this week.  Birthdays usually make me pause for introspection and self-assessment.

 

·       If I could be any kind of animal, I’d be a bird; one with hands.  Or maybe a flying monkey, but not the little creepy and fake Wizard of Oz kind. 

I think I’d probably be a flying gorilla. 

One minute I’d be sitting there just staring at you, eating leaves or a banana, from behind a little spindly sapling that totally didn’t hide me.

And then, Gone! 

“Hey, wasn’t there a gorilla here just a second ago?” 

“Yeah, but he flew away.”

It seems like a flying gorilla would make a great super hero, if he harnessed his powers for good, and wore tights.

·       If I was a tree, I’d want to be a coconut tree.  It’s like being a “giving tree”, but you can really wreak havoc.  I’d drop some coconuts  and just wait.  Soon, some villagers would no doubt notice the coconuts on the ground and take them home.  I’d keep dropping a bunch of coconuts each day, and word of this quarry would spread amongst the villagers.  Free Coconuts!  And so it would go, every day.  I’d bide my time like this, maybe for weeks or months.  Patience, patience.  Stealth.  They’d never suspect a thing;  no one ever thinks they’re being observed or baited by a tree. 

Eventually I’d notice which one of the villagers was a real jerk, and then one day, when he was gathering coconuts from the ground, feeling entitled, full of cocky self-assuredness and oblivious, I’d really let one fly.  Clunk.  

The other villagers, seeing what happened to the jerk and now driven by fear and ignorance, would probably then decide that I was a sacred tree or even make me their King or something.

Plus, I like a tropical climate.  Well, except for the humidity.  And the centipedes.

·       Actually, I would prefer it if the four seasons were Late Summer, Early Fall, Autumn, and Late Spring.

 

·       If I could only have one possession, I’d make it an infinite cash resource.  <wink> 

I know, I know, but hey, we didn’t agree to rules for this game.

Two Conventions, An Aquatic Hero, The Canadian Embassy, etc.

·        I’m purposefully avoiding commenting about the substantive issues of the RNC and DNC in this forum.  I watched both with great curiosity and anxiousness and sometimes anger.  I saw some stuff in both conventions that made me sad.  I got really frustrated listening to politicians and their staffs answering different questions than they were being asked.  

 

Worse, I’ve been observing how little a lot of people (including the typically noisy/opinionated ones) seem to care about what went on during these past two weeks.  So maybe I worry too much.  But my conclusion is that we truly deserve what we get.

I bet that a lot of people think that RNC/DNC was a rap group in the 80s.

·        People who say “fustrated” instead of “frustrated” seem to use their version of the word A LOT.  They spend their lives mispronouncing the word while the rest of us flinch silently out of a sense of politeness. 

 

·        Blind wounded warrior hero and Paralympian Navy Lt. Brad Snyder won a gold medal today in swimming.  The contest he won marked the one year anniversary of the day he stepped on the bomb that took his eyesight in Afghanistan.  Besides being grateful and indebted to Lt. Snyder for his service and sacrifice, I’m beyond impressed and amazed.  How does he know where he’s going in the pool?  He swims 400 Meters, and really really fast!  When I get soap in my eyes in the shower, I panic.

 

·        Canada closed its embassy in Iran this week.  Canada knows all the same stuff we know about Iran.   Canada knows that Iran is a real and vocal and imminent threat to the free world, and that it has Israel in its crosshairs.  Something convinced Canada to break diplomatic ties with Iran.  It’s probably something really obvious.

 

 

“Diplomacy means the art of nearly deceiving all your friends, but not quite deceiving all your enemies.”

 

-Kofi Busia

Melancholy and Nostalgia: The Jerry Lewis Telethon

Forever, I would look forward to Labor Day weekend because of the Jerry Lewis Telethon.  The Telethon’s run seemed to come to an unceremonious end a couple of years ago.  Jerry Lewis, once a show business superstar, now in his 80s and not well, either “retired” or was let go (dumped), depending upon the source.  With his departure, the telethon converted to a version that focused on everything that wasn’t fun about it when he ran the show.  It became more efficient, business-like, shrunken (probably to appeal to an audience with a short collective attention span), modified, sterile and corporate.  For me, the end of the Telethon, which I think was a true social and cultural phenomenon, was a reflection of the end of an American era.

For me, a child of pop culture (and huge Jerry Lewis fan), the telethon was quintessential bad TV.  Knowing that, while it was pretty lame viewing, but harmless, my parents would allow me to watch to my heart’s content.  My dad was always pretty sure that I wasn’t quite right in the head, and my fanatic interest in the telethon clinched his opinion. 

The telethon gave us a glimpse of unscripted inside showbizzy Hollywood.  Corny, kitschy, and cool.  Lots of cigarette smoking, tuxedos and “clean” off-color humor.  The Jerry Lewis on the telethon seemed articulate and angry and impatient to me; almost like he was trying to prove to us that he wasn’t just a clown.  Then, when he’d made his point about how cool and in charge and smart and handsome and not goofy he was, he’d seem to panic and put in big teeth and drop his pants and yell “LADY!” and run around throwing stuff.  I remember being 10 years old or so and thinking that he was a very insecure person, but I still thought he was great.

For me, the telethon was an amalgam of the “entertainment” I watched with my parents every night on TV when I was growing up.  For sure, the world seemed smaller then, and simpler, and naïve and innocent in a way.  Variety shows, family viewing, were still very popular during the 60s and 70s. With very few exceptions, everything on primetime television (and this was reflected in the Telethons) was aimed at a broad demographic audience.   This was with 4 networks to choose from, tops.  Years later, as a parent, I often thought about how the new shows my kids watched were barely tolerable to me, but we would all enjoy watching Brady Bunch and Monkees reruns together.

Anyway, back to the telethon.  I remember talking to people who had never watched it, and they thought I was nuts to stay up late to watch what they thought was horribly boring stuff.  Oh well.  Those naysayers never got to watch Jerry doing the typewriter pantomime for the thousandth time.  They never got to see Rip Taylor throw bags of confetti at the band at midnight.  They never got to see Sammy Davis Jr., drink and cigarette in hand, sing “What Kind of Fool Am I?” live.  They missed Julius LaRosa and Tony Orlando hosting frantic offsite segments of the telethon from WOR in NY.  They missed Las Vegas-based singers and jugglers and impressionists and stand-up comics.  They never got to watch Wayne Newton, with his big gold Elvis belt and sequins, his hair shoeshine black and slicked back, croaking “Swanee” live (he’d play a dozen instruments, desperate to impress us) from Las Vegas at 2am Eastern time.  They missed watching Jerry Lewis, choked with emotion, sing “You’ll Never Walk Alone” at the end of the show.  He usually couldn’t finish, and he’d drop the microphone and walk off the stage; their loss.