Taste Test Moments, Old Elvises, Admiral Halsey, Shmelvin Prackin, etc.

·         If you ever have your own cooking show on television, and it gets to the point in the episode when you take a sample taste of whatever goody you just made, I think it really helps sell the moment if you look off camera and sort of up toward the ceiling while you take a bite.  Your audience will understand that in order to truly determine the success of your cooking you need to look at the ceiling and concentrate as you taste the food.  At that point, all suspenseful pins and needles and stuff, the viewer is wondering how you’ll like it, and truly rooting for you.  If instead you just look at the camera and say “yum!”, it’ll seem forced and scripted and phony, and your fans will see right through that, and be understandably let down.  It must suck if you realize with that taste that you ruined the dish with WAY too much cumin or something, but you're only human, and that's why the fans love you. Oh, by the way, if you try this looking up and off to the side gimmick in real life, you’ll come across as kind of goofy, so I suggest that you limit to just doing it on your cooking show.

·         Elvis Presley is still hugely popular, even thirty five some odd years since his death, and Elvis “festivals” are regular events all over the country, with a bunch of “Elvis Tribute Artists” performing in competitions and concerts.  I’m an Elvis fan and have actually attended several of these tribute festivals over the years.  Elvis died when he was 42, although he was in really bad shape and looked older than that.  Unfortunately I think, the memory of Elvis in popular culture is frozen in his last few months alive. I’ve noticed that some Elvis tribute artists try to emulate him when he was heavy and sickly, and then keep at it long after they themselves turn 42.  I’ve also noticed that a lot of these older Elvis impersonators eventually look more like the heavy pompadoured actors from The Sopranos, and they seem to forget the song lyrics, mostly. They look like a fat uncle who tries karaoke at a family reunion after an open bar, but really shouldn’t.  Some of them almost seem like they never even saw an Elvis performance, which is weird, because they have decided to become Elvis impersonators, but maybe it’s just because they’re really old and have forgotten the ways he actually looked and acted and sounded. It kind of makes “what if he’d lived?” conjecture sadder than the reality of his passing.  Anyway, I’d like to think that if Elvis had lived, he’d have slimmed down or at least stopped with the bulging jumpsuits and sweaty concerts and focused mostly on acting in mob dramas.  [Editor’s note:  James Gandolfini passed away after I wrote this post.  R.I.P., and I was talking about the other Sopranos guys looking like sick Elvises, not Tony.]

·         Admiral Halsey notified me

He had to have a berth or he couldn’t get to sea

I had another look and I had a cup of tea and butter pie.

Happy 71^st birthday to Paul McCartney this week.  For about 40 years, I mistakenly thought that the words to Admiral Halsey were, “I had a cup of tea and a butterfly.”  It was catchy, but made no sense to me.  Still, I sang it really loudly in my car in a haughty falsetto.  I don’t know what butter pie is, but I’m so glad I know the correct lyric now.  Thank you, world-wide internets.

·         As I drove slowly by the classic car show in the park last weekend, I bet some of the spectators were left wondering if I might be a participant in some nearby piece of shit Hyundai car show.

·         So maybe I’m just getting older and my hearing is shot.  Sometimes I’ll be talking to someone and I think I hear him or her say something like, “Shmere roggin a shmelvin prackin.”  And I’ll smile and lean in and say, “I’m sorry, what did you say?”, and I swear to God the person repeats what sounds like “Shmere roggin a shmelvin prackin.”  If they’re smiling as they say it, I’ll respond quickly with an agreeable, “I know, right!?”, and if they look sad I say “AWWWWW, wow, SORRY!”  At that point I’m embarrassed and don’t want to seem like a worse total idiot, so I’ll look all sympathetic and supportive and just hope for the best.  Usually, then the person will either look shocked or confused or scared and walk away, or maybe they’ll smile like they’re really happy and offer me a beer or something.  If it’s the latter, I go ahead and celebrate whatever it is they were talking about, not wanting to be rude.