Motivation, Gym Farts, Puppy Training, Bird Baths, Citronella, etc.

                                         Lower achieving people need motivation, too

·         So I’m sitting on my porch watching a cute young couple walk by with their adorable black lab kind of puppy. He’s on this fishing reel type leash, and they’re delighting as he runs 15 or 20 feet up on to each of my neighbors’ lawns, leaving his little adorable baby lab contributions (so cute!). So I think, if I cared enough to talk to them, I might say… “perhaps you guys should train the little guy on a shorter leash, so he learns to not pee and crap on peoples’ doorsteps. Oh, and please carry a plastic bag with you, so you can pick up his ca-ca. Oh, and yeah, also please never have human babies.”

·         Hey, guy with the earbuds and tunes cranking at the gym just now, the farts you thought you were sneaking were totally loud for the rest of us.

·         I’m grateful when the evening news weather guy reports that there will be heavy clouds overnight, thus giving me the opportunity to change my plans.

·         So I’m sitting on my porch and I notice this adorable little bird flipping around in the sand by my sidewalk. As I watch him I realize that he is taking a sand bath! Inventive bird hygiene! Genius! I watch for several minutes, smiling and chuckling, fascinated by his ingenuity, amazed by this phenomenon of nature. Then I notice that he is the only bird flipping in the sand, and that there are a bunch of other birds sitting on my hedge, sort of just watching him, and a couple of them, I swear, are rolling their eyes at him.  Then I realize that he is insane.  A couple of them are looking at me too, I’m pretty sure, judging me as an idiot for thinking I am observing a wonder of nature.  Obviously, I get pretty embarrassed, but mostly pissed.  “You can’t bathe in dirt, you stupid freakin’ bird!”, I shout, trying in vain to reverse their collective opinion of me, “get the hell out of my yard!”uple of them, I swear, are rolling their eyes at him. Then I realize that he is insane. A couple of them are looking at me too, I’m pretty sure, judging me as an idiot for thinking I am observing a wonder of nature. Obviously, I get pretty embarrassed, but mostly pissed. “You can’t bathe in dirt, you stupid freakin’ bird”, I shout, trying in vain to reverse their collective opinion of me, “get the hell out of my yard!”

·         So my neighbor's walking by as I sit on my porch, and he asks, "what you got burning there?" and I say, "citronella torch", and he says, "but there aren't any bugs out!" and I say, "you're welcome."

Be-Headings in The Workplace, High Alert Status, Porch Reflections, etc.

·         I guess if you’re a criminal forensic psychologist or FBI profiler person, it’d be important to know what led a guy to kill and behead his co-worker.  It’d probably help you understand how to track and thwart future would-be be-headers.  I think that the rest of the folks who are so interested in the “why would he kill and be-head his co-worker?” reasons  probably know the answer but hope it’s not true, or maybe a small percentage could even picture themselves doing the same thing on a really bad day at work.  Whether the guy killed and be-headed his co-worker because he’s connected to a larger global network of be-headers, or if he just was inspired by what he’s heard they’ve done, and whether he shouted a prayer of exultation during or after the be-heading or not, I don’t think the term “workplace violence” is an accurate or strong enough descriptor for this behavior.  Perhaps if people start stoning co-workers, we’ll rethink the definition.

 

·         We keep hearing about how our nation is on high alert, and I guess that’s a good thing generally, and especially considering the tumult around the world.  But it’s pretty disturbing that in this past month several news stories have come and gone, with hardly a word connecting them to larger security issues.  A Tennessee youth detention center has experienced three successful and violent “prison breaks” by several of its inmates.   Then several Afghani nationals, in Cape Cod for military training (apparently the Cape is known for its Middle East-like desert and mountain terrain), managed to walk away (to the Canadian border) supposedly in an effort to defect.  Then a couple of “troubled souls” managed to breach White House security to the point where one of them actually made it inside before being tackled by security.  Also, I haven’t heard about any systemic resolution to the unchecked influx of Central American children across the Texas border.  Was that “immigration crisis” taken care of and I missed it?  Anyway, how much higher would our national level of alert need to be to protect us from these seemingly boneheaded security failures, much less those coordinated by organized and well-funded organizations looking to hurt us?

 

·         On A Lighter Note:

As I sat on my porch at about dusk one evening, a group of three people, all wearing sunglasses, silently walked by my house.   It occurred to me all of the sudden, “wow, it’s really been a looong time since I smoked pot.”

Birds, Phrases, Dementia, The Border, Family Guy, Hitler, etc.

·         Bird Corner

If birds gossip, I bet that Cardinals are the most trash talked of all birds.

I bet that Mourning doves don’t mind if you refer to them as Morning doves by mistake.  Some of them probably wish you’d call them Turtle doves every now and then, although they probably won’t mention it out of politeness.  But I bet that all Mourning doves hate being called Pigeons; they've worked too hard to be denied the distinction.  I also bet a Pigeon will never correct you if you mistakenly refer to him as a Mourning dove.  Posers.

·         “..Or what not”, "I have to tell you.." and “that being said..” have joined other popular and meaningless phrases including,  “...and things of that nature..” that simply fill up time during a conversation.   It makes me miss “Um” and “..and like…”, which while still distracting, are shorter. 

 

·         When I was a kid, if an old person went “off the rails”, he or she had “hardening of the arteries”.  It usually happened to “really old people”, and back then most people usually died in their sixties.  Now the majority of us are living to be really old by comparison to those days, and everyone I know has a relative with dementia or Alzheimer’s.  Still, I hear the word awkwardly and even intentionally mispronounced as “old-timers” or “Alltimers”.   Is it because of the fear that most of us have a fairly good chance of ending up with Alzheimer’s or watching and helping a loved one live with it that causes this reluctance to use the correct words and accept the challenges of the disease into our collective fluent consciousness?

 

·         I’ve known a few people who are always starting a project to fix something, usually because someone has pressured or nagged him or her into it.  Invariably the project, although still worthwhile and necessary, loses its status as “the most important thing that must be addressed right away” and stalls.   At that point, the project doer gives a sigh of relief that the spotlight is off  and the nagging has ceased,  and throws a tarp over the project.  I’ve noticed that the United States has a bunch of these urgent must do projects that have petered out without resolution after having their focus replaced with a newer, sexier or more dangerous scandal/emergency/tragedy fix of the moment.   I wonder how these hot problems seem to cool and fall off the radar without notice.  The government must go through a lot of tarps.

 

Old News

·         This situation seems to have fallen into the forgotten project category, but I heard a pretty good suggestion for addressing the recent (and apparently now stalled and tarp- shrouded) “Border Crisis”.  When an illegal adult tries to come across the border, we should send him or her back across the border immediately.  When an illegal and unaccompanied child tries to come across the border, we should provide medical care and safe living accommodations while determining the child’s nation of origin, and then send the kid back to that country.  We should then send the nation of origin a notification with an itemized reduction in international aid paid to that country for all costs associated with the care and return travel expenses of said child.   Sounds reasonable to me.

 

On the bright side, if things continue as they are with loosey goosey mass and government sanctioned illegal immigration of kiddies, there’s a good bet that in about ten years the USA will start a winning streak in the World Cup.

 

·         Call them lost opportunities, but there have been a bunch of disappointing and even painful moments in my life when it just didn’t occur to me to start looting area businesses.

 

·         I saw Seth MacFarlane on a talk show.  He did some Family Guy voices at the gushing behest of the host.  The delighted and enthusiastic audience just went wild with crazy laughter and applause.  Apparently he was able to sound just like the animated characters he created and voices every week.

 

·         I hear people comparing the growth of modern day terrorism to the rise of Nazism.  Some argue that the comparison isn't valid, but I do wonder if any world leaders in the 1930s publically considered “containing" Hitler, or in the 1940s described his actions as being “extraordinarily irresponsible.”  If Twitter existed back then, I bet Hitler would have been the subject of some very strong hashtags.

 

Problem Solving and Randomness, etc.

 

 

Problem Solving and Human Behavior Types:  The Burned Out Car Headlight

Human behavior and priorities and  perspectives are reflected in the way individuals address the most mundane of life’s challenges.  Although the following certainly could be subject to some variations, I think they serve as an oversimplified breakdown of 7 general behavior types.

                                   Do you see your type in this list?

            Scenario:      You have a burned -out car headlight, so you……..

Behavior Type #1:  Only drive during daylight.

Behavior Type #2:  Drive with one headlight and/or using your high beams until you get a ticket or until the other headlight burns out.  If the latter occurs, consider Behavior type #1.

Behavior Type #3:  Ask someone else to take your car to a mechanic.

Behavior Type #4:  Take the car to a mechanic yourself.

Behavior Type#5:  Buy a headlight bulb and ask someone else to replace the burned out one for you.

Behavior Type #6:  Buy a headlight bulb and replace the burned out one yourself.

Behavior Type #7:  In anticipation of the second bulb burning out as well, buy two bulbs, and replace the burned out one yourself.

 

                    Randomness

…I saw this YouTube video of a guy doing an impression of how Homer Simpson sounds when the Simpsons in translated into French.  I don’t speak French, but I think the guy nailed it.

 

…Considering and planning for the needs of illegal immigrants because they are accepted as the largest growing segment of our population is like considering how best to nurture crabgrass as a welcome addition to ones lawn.

 

…I’ve heard that there are parts of the world where toilets drain in a different direction than they do here in America.  I mean, it’s still downward, but it swirls differently, like clockwise or whatever.  I’m actually not really sure which direction our toilets drain in, which is kind of strange because I often watch, but I think that it would be just horrible to all of the sudden have them drain the other way, and that just gives me one more reason to proudly live here in America.

Hello Kitty, Panko, Sounds from Thanksgiving 2013, etc.

·         I just saw the Hello Kitty float in the Macys Parade.  The commentators were talking about how the business of Hello Kitty has become huge and international.   I think it’s funny to imagine the Hello Kitty Corporation’s board of directors meetings.   They probably discuss quarterly Hello Kitty strategies.  They’re probably stressful, sometimes.  Probably, sometimes in the middle of some heated discussion, somebody pounds his fist on the table and exclaims something like “(Blah blah blah) doesn’t fly here at Hello Kitty!”  The rest of the people at the table struggle to keep straight faces, because they know what he means, but it’s still pretty funny to hear the words “Hello Kitty” mixed in with his tirade.  There are probably some Vice-Presidents working for Hello Kitty who are real bastards; that reality isn’t industry-specific. 

·         Hey food snobs, Panko is no longer a “secret Asian ingredient”.  Get over yourselves.

 

 

·         Sounds From Thanksgiving 2013

You had cereal an hour ago, you are NOT starving.  Go find your sister.  Dakota!  Where is she?  You better not be snooping!  Where’s my whisk thingy?  Call Grandma and ask her to bring her whisk.   No, you can’t have any of that, it’s raw.  Last thing we need today is going to the emergency room with food poisoning.  DAKOTA!  Where is she?  If you get Grandma’s answering machine leave a message, she’s probably running late.  WHISK!  It’s for mixing stuff, she’ll know.  Chase, just leave the message!  Did you leave it?  Oh my GOD.  No, never mind, I’ll call her, go find your sister.  Dakota!!!  I bet we run out of butter, I should have bought more.  Is the parade on?  Go watch the parade!  Dakota, you’re missing the parade!  It’s only on one day each year!  Where were you, I’ve been calling to you!  Did you make those?  Oh they’re so cute!  Chase, look at the turkeys she made.  You made these?  Did you pick up after?  They’re so cute.  There isn’t paper snips all over your room is there?  Go watch the parade, Grandma will love them.  Did you trace your hand?  Yes you can tape some up on the front window.  Did you put away the glue?  They’re so funny and cute.  Did you trace your hand or what?  The tape is in the junk drawer.  Chase, help her.  Ok, leave her alone then, she’s ok by herself.  I said for him to leave you alone, so stop your yelling.  Go watch the parade.  No, you can’t have that; it’s to put in my coffee.  It’s like a creamer, but better.  Yes, it’s good but it’s for adults.  Yes, it has alcohol in it.  Because it’s the kind of alcohol you can drink before ten in the morning.  Stop smelling it.  Mind your business and go watch the parade.   Who’s here?  Oh hi, Happy Thanksgiving!  I can’t find my whisk; I was going to call you.  Yeah I can use a spoon, but. . .did you see the turkeys she made?  She did them all by herself up in her room.  I think she traced her hand.  I bet it’s a mess up there.  I’ve got coffee and Baileys but I think it’s time to move to wine!  HAHA.  Beth and Doug are coming soon with the twins and hopefully Cubby and his girlfriend will be here for dinner.  Who’s crying?  Why are you crying?  God, Chase will you please just leave her alone?  Go watch the parade.  Then watch something else.  Then go read a book.  Mostly get out of this kitchen.  Ok, it’s time for wine!  HAHAHA.  It’s happy hour somewhere!  Did you bring rolls?  Oh thank you.  I hope I have enough butter, probably should have bought more.  Oh well.  Yeah, get us a couple wine glasses up there.  There you go!  I got the box wine this year, two of them!  HAHA, five liters for you and five liters for me!! Just kidding, Cubby will drink one by himself I bet.  You turn that handle thing.  Watch out it comes out fast!  Told you!  HAHA.  The paper towel roll if over there.  Oh boy, we’re in trouble.  It’s been in for two hours.  I used a ton of butter all over it like you said.  I hope I don’t run out.  I probably should have bought more.  Dakota, you left the tape here.  Put it back in the junk drawer, please.  Dakota!  Well then answer me!  Put the scotch tape back, please.   Oh hi!  Where’d you come from?  Ha-ha I almost tripped over her, did you see her come in?  Oh my God you look adorable!  Oh Beth I love the outfits.  They look so cute!  Happy Thanksgiving!  You look so cute!  Why is she crying?  Why are you crying?   Do you want to watch a movie with the kids?  Put on a movie for the twins.  Chase.  Chase!  Put on a movie for the twins.  What movie do you want to watch?  What movie do they like?  What movie do you like?  Rudolph?  Chase put on Rudolph for the babies.  Do you want wine or coffee?  I’ve got Baileys.  I’m having both.  I’m going to be a wide awake drunk!  Ha-ha.  Where’s Doug?  Oh hi, Doug.  Glad you didn’t have to work this year!  Want some wine?  Or I have beer in the fridge, help yourself.  Wow, Cubby and his girl are here already!  What’s her name again?  She’s so pretty.  Chase, help Uncle Cubby in with that stuff!  Hi Cubby, hi, Happy Thanksgiving!  No, we’re just getting started!  Want some wine, or we have beer in the fridge.  Dakota made the turkeys on the windows.  Did you hear that, Dakota?  Yeah, she traced her hand, I think.  Dakota?  She’s in her own little world, I swear.  It’s box wine, watch out it comes out fast.  I love that outfit, you look so cute.  Not you Cubby, wiseass.  Ha-ha.  Ok, yes, you look cute too, jerk.  Ha-ha.  It’s ok, the paper towel roll is right there on the counter.    Wow, Baileys and wine are potent together.  My ears are sweating.  Well, cheers everybody.  I’m starving too, but we’ve got another hour or so.  Have some nuts and chips.  Mom made her sweet potatoes this year.  I know, YUM!  Happy Thanksgiving.  Aww, I love you too, Mom, it’s so great to have everyone here, isn’t it?  Yeah, I’m missing him, too.  Wait, who’s crying?  Why is she crying?  Why are you crying?  Who has her Hello Kitty pocketbook?  Give it back to her, it’s not funny teasing a little kid.  You know better.  They’re all hyped up.  Maybe we should give them some wine.  Ha-ha.  Or Benadryl.  HA-HA!  Cheers.  Happy Thanksgiving everyone.  The turkey smells SO GOOD.  God, I’m starving. 

 

Thanksgiving always reminds me of my Grandfather, and the grace he always said before meals:

Be present at our table, Lord

Be here and everywhere adored.

These morsels bless, and grant

That we may feast in paradise, with Thee.

 

          Happy Thanksgiving, Everyone.

 

Lab Reminders, Organ Donation, Feet, Facebook, Greg Brady, etc.

·         I’m not sure if this will end up costing me more money, but I think it’s cool that my health insurance company will now be required  to send me a letter when I’m due for a PAP test and Mammogram.

·         I think we can all agree that while human organ donation is a noble and selfless act, animal organ donation is kind of creepy and suspicious.

·         When it comes to dating websites, it’s important to really get to know a person before you rush into a relationship.  For example, I have a friend who finally discovered that the guy she was chatting with wasn’t really heir to the Scholl’s foot care company, and he wasn’t actually a doctor, but that he did REALLY REALLY like feet.

·         No man can really argue that without women, the sales of men’s underpants would plummet.

·         If I was ever in a majority, I hope it would be a vast majority, because that seems like it’d be way better than being in just a regular majority.

·         I bet that at some point God accepted that the “praying on your knees at bedtime” thing had competition, and begrudgingly started checking Facebook a couple times a day.  I bet God also thinks that the “if you care, change your status don’t just like” thing is bogus.

·         When I was a kid I thought it’d be so cool to be friends with Greg Brady.  I used to think that as a bonus I’d end up having some pretty awesome quality time with Marcia, and that could have blossomed into something really beautiful, and Alice would probably bring us lemonade and cookies.  Anyway, it never happened, but I’m pretty sure that we’d have grown apart part by now, so I don’t dwell on it.

NWS Robot Lady, Bird Poop, Namaste, etc.

 

·         The National Weather Service robot lady sounds as stupid today as she did when I was a kid.  Hopefully the money they’ve saved not updating their voice technology has been spent on state of the art storm tracking, or whatever, but she doesn’t inspire much confidence.

On a related note, the stupid robot lady at the National Weather Service came on the TV and said that because of a huge thunder storm system moving through the area, people in my county should move to higher ground.  I thought about that for a minute, but I was upstairs in my house, and I realized that she was just goofing on me.  Good to know that they have a sense of humor over there at the National Weather Service.

On another related note, I think that the National Weather Service ought to offer a broader fundamental message along with their periodic situation-specific advice.  I think they should regularly remind everyone to “build on higher ground.”

·         It’s so hard to get bird poop off a car; they ought to make car paint out of it.

 

·         It’s important to accept your limitations.  I saw a local want ad posted online tonight.   It was titled, “Writting Tutor Needed”.

 

·         I think “Namaste” is a cool expression, or salutation.  It translates to a humble statement, “I bow to your form”.  Ironically, some people use the expression constantly, and seem to want very much to change its meaning to “Please notice and validate me; I’m very pretentious.”