Super Heroes, Fake Mourning, etc.

·         It must be hard to be a retired super hero.  The Commissioner is probably always asking you to come out of retirement to help the city solve a crime.  If I was a retired super hero, I  probably wouldn’t even answer my phone if I saw that it was the Commissioner calling.  Still, I’d probably get a kick out of putting on my old costume and just walking around causing a commotion sometimes.  Unless I was retired AquaMan, of course. 

 

 

·         I think that the only real difference between sinking and submerging is optimism.

 

·         Let’s beat this fake dead horse a little bit more, shall we?.............. 

What is the accepted duration for fake mourning when a fake girlfriend fake dies?  I saw Manti Te’o in the Katie Couric interview and he’s still so sad.  I’d tell him to remember that there are a million fake fish in the sea.  I’d give him advice about what to do when you fall off a fake bike……

 

·         We all remember the music greats, Fats Domino and Chubby Checker.  But you never hear much about their lesser known rock ‘n roll contemporaries, Pudgy Dice and Blubber Chess or blues guitarist Lardass Backgammon.

 

·         New Feature

               Hilarious Jokes

Students of humor agree that the three funniest joke subjects are flies, poop, and passing gas.  Some would argue that poop and passing gas are so closely related that they should only count as one subject.  I won’t argue that point.  So let’s just say that the two funniest topics in the history of humor are flies and smelly poops.  Anyway, I’m introducing a new feature that will present a hilarious joke about flies and poop and breaking wind. 

         (Editor’s Disclaimer: I did not write this joke;  I think it’s attributed to Red Skelton or Soupy Sales.)

 

Two flies are sitting on a pile of crap. 

One of them farts. 

The other one bellows in disgust, “HEY!!! I’m trying to eat over here!!”

 

·         More Questionable Animal Facts

Hamsters experience regret.

Chinese duck sauce is mostly made from Mallard ducks.

Pigs resent being the other white meat.

Ko Ko, the sign language-speaking gorilla, is said to liberally pepper his conversations with the word “friggin”.

Some bird owners suffer from a syndrome called “sympathy molt”.

Holiday Memories, A Royal Baby, Misc. Stuff, etc.

·         Holidays make for great memories.  20 years from now some people will reminisce about family New Year’s Eve celebrations when they were kids, with chips and dip, sparkling fake soda champagne, and the Walking Dead marathon.

·         I saw an artist’s rendering of what Prince Will’s and Princess Kate’s child will look like, based on a morph of their characteristics.  The little girl version is so cute, but the boy version is bald.  Cheap shot, Will probably wasn’t already bald when he was a kid.

·         I don’t get the deal with Sensa appetite suppressant sprinkles.  Do they just make the food taste bad?  And why do they have to animate the sprinkles on the commercial?  Maybe they’re invisible.  If so, I wonder how you know when the package is empty?

·         Kids should be encouraged to do their best to get good grades in school.  For example, changing a D into a B on a report card is pretty ingenious.  Plus, the D pretty much begs to be turned into a B, I mean, it’s just one more line and then kind of rounding the edges, and if you have a pen with the right colored ink, I say go for it.  Of course, the kid should be punished if he gets caught, but come on, at least give him a C+ for effort.

·         Some people seem to think that it’s ok to shoot snow from their own driveways into the driveways of their neighbors.  I guess it’s sort of a “pay it forward” thing.  Of course the last guy on the block sort of gets screwed out of the experience.

·         Someone should open a new Western-themed discount store, called “A Fist Full of Family Dollars.”

 

 

New Feature! (same low price)

                          Facetious Corner:

·         When you’re ahead of me in traffic, start riding your brakes early (100 feet before your turn), with your directional on, and then slowly turn off the thoroughfare as you look across the parking lot for the perfect spot.  Those of us lined up behind you will wait for you, take your time.

·         Let’s face it, shopping is tiring!  So please, lean on your cart, and steer it with your elbows.  Ploddingly move down the middle of the aisle, like you’re about to topple over from exhaustion.  Those of us lined up behind you will wait for you, take your time.

·         If you’re walking toward me texting, please finish your thought and keep walking with your head down.  I’ll gladly assume full responsibility for avoiding a collision.

  

Coolest Names of Musicians and Action Movie Characters:

Donald Duck Dunn, Slash, Ringo, Snake Pliskin, The Edge, Jeff Skunk Baxter, Screamin’ Jay Hawkins, Flea

 

·         Although I know that the chance of it happening is remote, I’d hate to be impaled.  I read that Dracula was based on a real count named Vlad the Impaler.  Maybe impaling was more common back then, or maybe Vlad had the market cornered on impaling.  Maybe if you needed someone impaled, you just had to call Vlad because he was the only one with the expertise and the tools.   He could pretty much charge whatever he wanted, and if you didn’t like his price, well tough.  Smart guy, that Vlad.  Even if he couldn’t really turn into a bat.