The Four Days of Christmas

The Twelve Days of Christmas is a traditional song we all remember, and will no doubt hear during this holiday season.  Usually, about half way through the song, the singers, suddenly concerned that the song may never end, start to look uncomfortable and awkward.  The audience responds in matching horror and fear.  I think we can all agree that the song is painfully and unnecessarily long.  I suggest an alternate take on the classic, keeping what I feel are the most important components.  I like the ladies dancing and maids a milking, so I’m keeping them.  The swans and geese and calling birds and french hens and turtle doves are clearly fowl-redundant, and well represented by the partridge at the end of the song, so I say dump them.  Now, I don’t know about you but personally, but I couldn’t care less about drummers drumming and pipers piping.  It’s what they’re paid to do, and shouldn’t warrant special consideration and mention in a Christmas song.  And lords a leaping?  What or who the hell is that? Anyway, I’m dumping the drummers, pipers and the creepy leaping lords, too.  The most fun verse of the song is when we get to scream the GOLDEN RINGS part, so we’re keeping that.  That leaves us with the partridge, which I guess is what some people want in their pear trees at Christmas, and so, whatever. 

So here’s your new and improved “The Four Days of Christmas”.  You’re welcome.  Enjoy all the holiday time I just freed up for you, and Merry Christmas.

 

The Four Days of Christmas

On the Fourth Day of Christmas

My true love gave to me:

Four Ladies Dancing

Three Maids a Milking

TWO GOLDEN RINGS!

And a Partridge in a Pear Tree!