The Day After

Twas the day after Christmas, and the townsfolk gathered at the gym, adorned in baggy sweat suits, to atone for their gluttony.  #ghostsofnewyearsresolutionsfuture

Christmas Vacation

President Obama is Hawaii-bound for a 17-day vacation, which will be the last of his time in office.  Apparently, the White House has a rigid “use it or lose it” vacation policy.

The Four Days of Christmas

The Twelve Days of Christmas is a traditional song we all remember, and will no doubt hear during this holiday season.  Usually, about half way through the song, the singers, suddenly concerned that the song may never end, start to look uncomfortable and awkward.  The audience responds in matching horror and fear.  I think we can all agree that the song is painfully and unnecessarily long.  I suggest an alternate take on the classic, keeping what I feel are the most important components.  I like the ladies dancing and maids a milking, so I’m keeping them.  The swans and geese and calling birds and french hens and turtle doves are clearly fowl-redundant, and well represented by the partridge at the end of the song, so I say dump them.  Now, I don’t know about you but personally, but I couldn’t care less about drummers drumming and pipers piping.  It’s what they’re paid to do, and shouldn’t warrant special consideration and mention in a Christmas song.  And lords a leaping?  What or who the hell is that? Anyway, I’m dumping the drummers, pipers and the creepy leaping lords, too.  The most fun verse of the song is when we get to scream the GOLDEN RINGS part, so we’re keeping that.  That leaves us with the partridge, which I guess is what some people want in their pear trees at Christmas, and so, whatever. 

So here’s your new and improved “The Four Days of Christmas”.  You’re welcome.  Enjoy all the holiday time I just freed up for you, and Merry Christmas.

 

The Four Days of Christmas

On the Fourth Day of Christmas

My true love gave to me:

Four Ladies Dancing

Three Maids a Milking

TWO GOLDEN RINGS!

And a Partridge in a Pear Tree!

Like

I know this shows my age, but I remember a time when people spoke in sentences not peppered with the word “like”.

Being Thankful

So she asked me what I’m thankful for this year, and I said “I’m thankful for 55 years of not spontaneously combusting”.   And that’s supposedly a real thing, and one that seems like it would totally suck, so I thought it was a pretty good answer.  Anyway, she didn’t like the answer, so I said, “I’m also thankful for puppies.” Then she said “Yeah, Ok.”, with this dismissive tone and a smirk on her face.   And I’m like, so you don’t like puppies OR half a century of successfully evading spontaneous combustion?  Is there no pleasing you?  Anyway, I hope I get the loan.

Fall Forward

I predict that the clock in my car will soon be wrong for the next six months.

Halloween Assumption

Although it’s Halloween weekend, if you see an overweight person with a goatee all dressed up wearing a shirt with the sleeves cut off and a John Deere hat, it’s probably not a good idea to jump to a conclusion and shout, “Hey, Larry the Cable Guy!”  I made that mistake last night, and I think I really hurt the poor lady’s feelings.

Free Coffee and the Decline

 

Today was Free Coffee Friday at Cumberland Farms, and it really was a sickening testament to the decline of civilization, with all the pushing and shoving and elbowing.  I hope I didn’t hurt anyone.

 

Hair Yin and Yan

 

I think that it’s ok to concede to the aging process as long as you mostly focus on the positives.  For example, while my hairline is receding at an alarming rate, by delightful contrast, a rogue hair on my ear can grow an inch literally overnight.

 

Samples

If you were patient and didn't really care what your house looks like, you could probably collect and mix enough one pint paint samples from the home improvement stores to paint the whole thing.

Butt Nipping

Some people say “let’s just nip this in the butt” instead of “let’s just nip this in the bud”. They may be misspeaking, but in case they aren’t, you probably should ask them for more details before you agree.

Backwards Walking

I sometimes encounter backward walking people.   And I’m talking full-speed backward walking, here.  Typically, there’s a forward walking person behind the backward walking person and they’re carrying on a conversation.   A modified version of this backward walking phenomenon is the person who technically walks forward, but all the while looking over his shoulder to a person walking behind him.   I can only assume that in both cases their conversation requires uninterrupted eye contact.  The result is a public version of the team building “trust fall” exercise.  I usually try to move to the side to avoid colliding with the backward facing walker, but sometimes (and true to the enabler in me) I simply mutter "excuse me" for having forward walked into his backward path, and effectively “catch” him in his trust fall.

The Bathroom Visitor

Sometimes when I’m in a public bathroom someone knocks at the door.  I have pretty good communication skills, but that moment usually catches me embarrassed and at a loss for a proper way to respond.  I’m not sure why I feel so awkward in this situation, but “yes” or “here” or “present” is all I can normally muster as a reply.  I wish I could just say, “I’m in here going to the bathroom.” which, although seemingly blatantly obvious, would be an honest and more informative answer, so the person knocking knows the locked door and my occupation of the room is legitimate.  I’ve also considered, “Who is it?” and “Come on in.”  While both are tempting, they seem a bit sarcastic.  So, having given this quite a bit of thought, I’ve decided that for me going forward, the most accurate, responsible and appropriate response will be, “Hi.  I’m almost done, but I’d still give it at least 30 minutes.”

Fancy Cheese Lessons

Sometimes a really good friend gives you fancy cheese as a gift, even though they know you aren’t fancy. Then, maybe you don’t realize until the first bite that it’s covered in fancy wax. Then, even though you’re by yourself, and with some embarrassment, you probably discretely and gently remove the wax and continue to eat the rest of the non-wax cheese in a sort of quiet but apologetic silence. In that moment you realize that eating fancy cheese requires extra care in case it’s coated with some kind of protection your normal non-fancy cheese doesn’t have. And then you realize, eating cheese will never again be the simple pleasure you once knew.

Moments With A Dog

[Editor’s note:  The following accounts are both true   Further, they describe events with the same dog.  And, despite the natural flow, the two moments captured here occurred months apart.  Propriety prohibits me from divulging any additional information.]

 

·         The dog did what I told her to, and so without really thinking I said, “Thank you.” For a moment we just sort of looked at each other in awkward silence, and then she went back to licking her leg. I think in her heart she knew nothing had really changed for her.

 

·         After a while, and with gentle encouragement from me and a bunch of frantic sniffing for the right spot by her, the old dog finally pooped. “Good Girl!”, I cheered. She side glanced me, trying to be nonchalant, but clearly pretty proud of her newly birthed loaf. As the sun set on the poo and dew-kissed backyard, we slowly retired to the house, ready for a milkbone and whisky toast to her latest triumph.

Memorial Day Observations: A Re-tread from 2012

Editor Disclosure:

This is re-post from 2012. 

My Sincere Thanks to the Fallen who gave so much and the families they left behind.

 

Sounds from the Memorial Day Parade

• ·         Do you want to sit with Dakota?  Do you want a juice box?  Do you want to stand with Uncle Rusty? Don’t throw things.  Rusty, let her stand with you.  I can’t see.  I told you to go before we left.  I can’t see.  Do you see a bathroom around here?  There’s nothing to see yet.  Watch that way for the flags.  Do you need sunscreen?  I think they’re starting.  Does she need sunscreen?  I have sunscreen.  Can you see them?  Do you want to sit with Grandma?  Do you want to take a walk with Uncle Rusty?  You move again, and you’re done.  I think I see them.  I said don’t throw things.  I can’t see.  They only throw the candy to their friends.  I don’t have gum, ask Grandma.  Mom, do you have gum for her?  Can you see the fire truck? Over here!!!  Dakota, give the baby one of those smarties.  Where’s Dakota’s other flip-flop?  Did you bring the chips?  Dakota, where’s your other flip-flop?  Put a hat on the baby.  I can’t see.  We didn’t come here to eat.  Don’t walk on the blanket.  Where did you get that water bottle?  Where did she get that water bottle?  She’s right in the sun; put a hat on the baby.  I love the bagpipes.  They sound awful.  I can’t see.  Mom, take that from her, I have no idea where she got it.  I have the sunscreen.  Sit down.  I can’t see.  Janie’s in the band.  Don’t put that in your mouth.  What does she play?  I can’t see.  JANIE!!!  Wave to Janie.  JANIE!!! Sit down.  They sound great.  Sit on the curb.  That poor kid looks so hot; it’s like 90 in the sun.  Pick a place and sit.  Don’t throw things.  I can’t see.  Quit squirming or get down.  Sit next to Dakota.  Dakota, let her sit next to you.  Stop kicking or you’ll have to get down.  I can’t see.  Don’t step on the juice box.  Are you done with your juice?  Is that it?  Do you see more lights?  I think that’s it.  That was short.

Observations from the Memorial Day Parade

• ·         Marching bands probably sound great mostly because you only hear them for 40 seconds.

• ·         The theme song from Hawaii Five-0 is the coolest tune a Junior High band can play. 

• ·         Most of the guys in the bagpipe band don’t look like they’re used to walking  that far.  If you scheduled your funeral on a parade route, you could save money on the bagpiper.  The guy with the big scepter/baton thing that leads the band is like a Drum Major or something, but he’s also probably the suckiest bagpiper.

• ·         People arrive late and expect that there will still be curb space left.

• ·         People arrive early and think they can reserve the whole curb for everyone they know.

• ·         I hope that the emergency responders who march look kind of out of shape because the more fit ones are back at the station ready for action.

• ·         The common denominator uniform piece of a parade marcher is black slacks.  Some try to get away with wearing navy, but they aren’t fooling anyone.

• ·          Veterans should be able to march in tee shirts and shorts.  They’ve given enough, no reason to make them march in wool.

• ·         The dog with the shortest legs in the world (dachshund) is a strange choice for a parade dog marching club.  The dogs keep looking at their owners as if to say, “REALLY?”

• ·         The marching dachshunds got more applause than the Korean War Vets did. 

• ·         I bet some of the people driving the radio station vehicles are announcers.  It has to suck to be kind of famous but totally unrecognizable to your fans.