Dentists, Aerosmith and Mom

·         One out of five dentists is very negative and always checks the “NO” column.

 Aerosmith Concert

·         Very dear friends of mine took me to see Aerosmith this week for the first time live.  I admit that I had some trepidation, because of Steven Tyler’s American IDOL run, and surgeries, and rumors of trouble with the band, but I’ve been a big fan since I was a teenager.  I was a bit concerned that Tyler had lost his edge by doing the network TV thing. 

       Cheap Trick opened, and they were good, and sounded just like them (I only recognized 3 songs), but their set felt like an Oldies Tour act.  All I could think of was  the movie “Fast Times At Ridgemont High”, and unfortunately, in the introduction before the band started, they actually played an audio clip of the scene with the weasel ticket scalper guy singing their songs.   It was kind of sad and desperate that the band intentionally reminded us that we should remember them from 30+ years ago. 

       THEN Aerosmith started, and I was BLOWN AWAY.   Theirs was NOT an Oldies act, it was fresh and current and on- point.  Steven Tyler IS a rock star and a showman, and there is no latitude required when watching his performance.  The other four bandmates were each given spotlight moments to prove that they still have stellar chops.  The music was all familiar; even the new songs from their latest album sounded very Aerosmithy, and the show was tight and very high energy.  Steven Tyler is NO hack; he twirled and flirted and smirked and teased and SCREAMED like he was a MUCH younger man.  Again, this was my first live Aerosmith concert, and I felt as though I might have been dropped into a concert audience twenty years ago.  I found it interesting that a review in the paper the following morning mentioned that the band covered music from their 40 years together, but made no direct mention that these guys are in their 60s.  There was no need to make that distinction; they were just great.

·         Observations from the Aerosmith Concert

v  There was one embarrassing moment, when Joe Perry appeared wearing the same open black vest with no shirt outfit that I was wearing. 

v  And it was very annoying and unfair to see that Perry and Tyler are now somehow younger than I am.

v  The concert audience was packed with GORGEOUS women.  The guys with them didn’t look so good.

 Digression:  Memory of My Mom

·         I was looking at an old family picture album and it reminded me of what a horrible photographer my Mom was.  I think Mom was afraid of live-action shots, probably trying to avoid blur.  Mom insisted that all photos be posed (usually awkwardly), and then she’d take an uncomfortably long time to click the button.  Sometimes the photo subject (usually me or other family) would cramp up or faint, which would further delay the session. The waiting time was not filled with her making lens adjustments or checking F stops, it was just her and a disposable instamatic, having trouble committing, I think.  And Mom always had camera in hand, and was ALWAYS interrupting occasions (no matter how momentous or minor; I have pictures she took of waiters in Chinese restaurants.  They’re smiling, but seem frightened) to capture the moment for…. someday.   In every picture she took of me from the age of 12 or so on, I am grimacing with teeth clenched and eyes glaring (“TAKE IT,TAKEIT,TAKEIT!!”)

An Update and More Unproveable Facts

·         It’s day three of the Sandusky Suicide Watch.  So far, no luck.

 ·         By request, here are some more unproveable facts.

v  Most Canadian coins are fake.

v  In most Slovak villages, blankets made from the back hair of elders are used as currency.

v  Before Campbell’s invented condensed soups, their soups were virtually the same, but had more water and can.

v  Toothpicks were originally called “splinters”.

v  An estimated one-fifth of the Grand Canyon is made of Styrofoam.

v  Some Polynesian Islands cultures call both weekend days “Saturday”.

v  President Richard Nixon had the name DICK tattooed on his scalp.

v  The first Hyundai was built completely by accident.

v  Otters embarrass easily, but culturally this is considered an endearing trait.

v  There is only one official medical record of a person actually having the bejesus kicked out of him, but it was pretty bad.

v  Bowling balls originally had 8 holes.

v  In 1967, Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel were sued (settled out of court) for copyright infringement by a Wholesale Meat Business called “Simon and Garfunkel Big Meats”.

v  Chemically, dog farts are 87% other dogs’ ass smell.

Bo Diddley, Earwax and Linked-In

·         I bet there’s a guy somewhere named Joey Citronella who is, at this moment, swarmed by mosquitoes. (Old friends of mine will appreciate that I’ve finally found a home for this joke.)

·         Some jurisdictions want little kids to have to get permits for lemonade stands, and some Nanny/Mayors want to control the size of the soda you have for lunch. Both seem wacky and intrusive.  If you care, I guess I can use these as examples of the opposite of a world I want to live in.

·         I was at a local gin mill the other day for happy hour and a great band played a great version of  “Not Fade Away”, which caused the dance floor to fill.  A buddy of mine said, “Great ‘Dead’ tune.”  I replied, “Via Buddy Holley and Bo Diddley”.  In any case, I'm guessing that none of the dancers had a clue, but it's so cool that this music is still getting people moving 60 years later.  Da-Da-Da, Da-Da (refill).

·         I read a report that said if business cards representing all of the users of Linked-In were put end to end, they’d reach a distance equal to 5.5 times the height of Mt. Everest.  That’s impressive; I wonder how high they’d be if you stacked them, which would be a fact more helpful to me in my job search. 

·         Here are some other un-proveable facts…...

§  The average human makes enough earwax over a lifetime to fill two swimming pools.

§  Small breeds of dogs have better rhythm that larger ones.

§  President James Garfield had webbed fingers on his left hand.  He was said to be an excellent swimmer, but tended to drift right.

§  Walt Disney based the cartoon character of Mickey Mouse on a real talking mouse who owned a dog.

§  Most dental hygienists re-use floss.

§  In addition to fear, Bears also smell abandonment, flirtation, dismay and arrogance.

Pseudoephed, etc.

·         A photo ID is required when you buy pseudoephed, but the ID requirement is argued by some to be a civil rights violation in the context of voting.   Apparently the ID requirements differ here because it’s been determined that there are people who make crystal meth using pseudoephed, but there is no evidence that anyone would fake their votes without proper citizenship credentials or who might cast multiple votes, unchecked.  I don’t use or make crystal meth, but I always feel the need to act particularly lucid (but not jumpy or agitated) when I sign the book to obtain my decongestant.  I also try to act lucid when I sign in to vote.

·         We need to get our facts straight.  Semantics count. Clearly, a “gunrunning” operation would be more difficult to monitor and control than a “gunwalking” operation.  It’s faster to run, duh.

·         Jay Carney used the phrase “politically-motivated fishing expedition” over and over at today’s White House press conference.  When he was preparing his notes, the phrase probably sounded a lot more witty and acerbic in his head than it did the third or fourth time he repeated it out loud.

·         It’s fair to note that asserting executive privilege is not unique to our current president (4 presidents have invoked it 25 times in the past 30 years), but I’m more interested in the “whys” than in the “how manys”.

Father's Day 2012

Happy Father’s Day to all dads and those who are celebrating dads today.

·         Henry Hill passed away last week at 69. His story was made famous in the Martin Scorsese movie “Goodfellas”. I love a good mafia film. “Goodfellas” is no “Godfather”, but is such a fun movie to watch, and (along with “Donnie Brasco”) probably provided a more accurate account of the paranoid narcissism that ruled that culture, especially prior to RICO. Rudy Giuliani probably does a little superior dance whenever another of these rat/informants meets his maker. What was somewhat endearing about Henry Hill was the fact that he was the quintessential loser. Ray Liotta, handsome and charming, was an interesting choice to portray the real Henry, who was, to be kind, a mutt, and to hear him speak on the Howard Stern show, seemed like kind of a dork. Anyway, RIP Henry.

·         Rodney King was found dead in his swimming pool yesterday. The authorities are saying so far that foul play is not suspected. It appeared that real bad karmic juju hovered over Rodney. He was on a celebrity rehab show a couple of years ago and seemed like a nice man who was lost and sad and had been used for a cause, and was by no means comfortable with his role in history. 47 years old is far too young to die, RIP Rodney.

·         It’s interesting to me that when Lindsay Lohan is in the middle of a highly publicized big budget production (“Liz and Dick”) and totals her Porsche and then is found passed out in a hotel room, it’s from “dehydration” and “exhaustion”.

·         If there ever was any legitimate application of the Florida “Stand Your Ground” defense in the Trayvon Martin killing, it’s doubtful that a judge and jury will now be able to give unbiased consideration to the defendant’s version of events. I still have issues with the media’s and some politicians’ rush to judgment in the early reporting of this case, but clearly George Zimmerman and his wife have proven themselves to be sneaky and not too bright.

·         This month marks the 40th anniversary of Watergate. Hard to believe.  Certainly some politicians had been crooked and conspiratorial prior to this event, but it’s undeniable that American innocence and faith in our government starting changing forever in those days of 1972. I vividly remember being 10 years old and watching the hearings on TV at home during my school lunch breaks.  And there were those cynical and disrespectful jokes about our president, “Tricky Dick” Nixon. I remember that it all made me feel very strange and vulnerable.

On a Lighter Note......

·         I always have smudges on my glasses, and can’t seem to stay ahead on keeping them clean. I'm forever wiping them off with lens cleaning tissues.  When I had a cat, I’d often step over “her”, only to realize what I was seeing and stepping over was a smudge on my glasses. Smudge would have been a good name for the cat, but I acquired her pre-glasses, and she came with the name Cupcake. I had other names for her too, when she was naughty mostly.

 

·         The YMCA I belong to has a "Quiet Gym", where there is no music piped in and members are supposed to avoid use of cell phones and to use only personal music devices with earplugs. In theory, these rules create a great atmosphere for concentrated workouts and respectful consideration for all involved. The actual result is people, ear plugs in and personal music cranking, shouting their conversations back and forth to each other.  I sometimes mouth obscenities with a smile to these deafened shouting folks and am greeted with warm and friendly smiles and waves in response.

 

Turn Signals, God Bless the USA and Watch for The Leaks

·         Some drivers seem to be exempt from having to use their directional signals when making turns.  These exempt drivers are mostly wearing hats, but I don’t know if that’s a requirement for the exemption.  Other drivers leave their signals flashing perpetually, I guess to keep their options open for last minute turns and garage sales.  I consider the perpetual flashers to be a subgroup of the exempt group.  Between these two types, their combined net directional signal usage is 100% compliant.

I also notice drivers who turn their directional signals on when they’re half way through the turn, as if to declare “I am now in the midst of a right hand turn.”  I haven’t noticed a hat-wearing correlation in this second group of drivers.

·         This week, a Coney Island elementary school principal ordered that the kindergarten class not sing “God Bless the USA” (also known as “Proud to Be An American”) because she felt it might offend other cultures.  I assume that the cultures she wants to protect are here in the USA, and part of our rich social fabric. Once again, political correctness is invoked in a way contrary to and conflicting with the original intent of our founding.  

I’m really glad that the Coney Island Principal wasn’t around 45 years or so ago to keep our class from singing “God Bless America” and “Fifty, Nifty United States” (I still remember most of the words, too.)

·         President Obama’s Senior Political Advisor, David Axelrod, has interpreted the President’s comment and subsequent “walkback” of his comment from last Friday (“The Private Sector is Fine” and later, “What I meant to say is that the private sector is fine, but the economy is not.”).  On CNN's “State of the Union” Sunday, Axelrod explained “….we need to accelerate job creation in the private sector," before adding: "one of the ways that we can do that is putting teachers and firefighters and police back to work because those are good middle-class jobs."

Agreed….but those are public sector jobs, Dave…..

·         Regarding the leaks and the dispute over whether special counsel should be appointed to investigate, this is not a personal or partisan issue; it’s a matter of national security.  For the President to say that he’s offended that it’s even been considered that the source of the leaks is within his administration makes me think he “doth protest too much.”  I hope that the issue is resolved swiftly and before more damage is done.  It seems to me that having special counsel investigate the leaks is the best way for Obama’s administration to clear itself of any suspicion.  By the way, let us remember that it was good enough and appropriate for the Bush White House ("Plamegate".)

·         Attorney General Eric Holder and Representative Darrell Issa seem to have a Vinnie Barbarino and Mr. Woodman vibe going. The following is from a snippet of the hearings I caught yesterday on C-SPAN.

Issa:  Mr. Holder, have you released internally the documents requested in compliance with the subpoena? 

Holder:  Where?

Issa:  Mr. Holder, you’re a bad witness, let’s try this again.  Have you made available the documents requested in the subpoena?

Holder:  What?

Issa:  Mr. Holder, if you refuse to answer my line of questioning, I will move to have you placed in contempt.

Holder: Who?

Drone Strike and the NJ Pet Seatbelt Law

·         A drone attack in Pakistan this week killed the (outgoing) number two al-Qaida leader.  Asked for his opinion about the strike, the new  number two leader replied, “Oh Shit!”. 

       In related news, Shakil Afridi, the doctor who provided intelligence that led to the capture/kill of Osama Bin Laden, has been sentenced to 33 years in prison.  In what can only be described as a weak gesture, the US has threatened to withhold $1 million dollars (that's out of $1.5 billion) a year in aid to Pakistan for every year he is imprisoned.   I’m pretty sure that we won’t be able to count on Pakistani secret informants helping us out the next time we need to locate and assassinate a terrorist mastermind.  #followthrufail

·         It will be interesting to see how the investigation of Eric Holder’s level of knowledge with  Fast and Furious plays out.  It must be difficult for him to choose between being an incompetent and being a liar.  Fortunately, neither will hurt his future in politics.

·         Quotable quotes this week:

Milwaukee Mayor Tom Barrett to President Obama:  “Thanks for nothing, Mr. President.”

President Barrack Obama to (his “surrogate”) President Bill Clinton:  “Thanks for nothing, Bill.”

Mitt Romney to President Bill Clinton: "Thanks for the 'sterling' comment, Bill."

·         Apparently it took a while for me to hit my saturation point with this peeve, but now I’m hearing it all the time.  What is it with people saying, “So..…..yeah.” like they’re agreeing with some thought they just had? 

·         I’m not really a fan of P Diddy/Puff Daddy/Sean Coombs, but I found it interesting to read about a “controversy” with his son being offered a football scholarship to UCLA.  I don’t think that it's being suggested that the scholarship has been offered improperly or due to favoritism because the kid’s dad is famous or has influence.  The complaint is that, with all his big money, Puffy ought to foot the bill and free up scholarship money for someone else’s kid.  As far as I’m concerned, if the kid has the athletic talent and smarts (he has a 3.75 high school GPA), he’s earned the scholarship regardless of his dad’s wealth. 

·         I’m sure my friends in New Jersey are all kinds of happy that a new pet seatbelt law will be instituted , ensuring motoring safety for animals in that state.  First offense failure to adhere to this law will cost the pet owner a fine of up to $1000. The fine for a human caught not buckling up in New Jersey is $47.

Rant Reset: A Couple of Anecdotes from Simpler Times

The following family anecdotes are a departure from the normal format and content of The Rant, but I think you’ll find in them some insight about the way my view of the world was influenced and nurtured from an early age.  The details in these accounts are mostly true, with the exception of several that are slightly fabricated and one that is just a flat out fib.

The Halifax Explosion Story

My Grandfather was one of my earliest heroes.  He was a kind and quiet man, and had such a powerful presence to me.  I was extremely close to him and my Grandmother, and would often spend weekends and vacations with them.  My Grandfather had a great sense of humor, but with an ironic and dry delivery that I remember appreciating even at a tender age.  One of my first memories of him and his humor was related to a conversation that I thought was just between him and me when I was 6 or 7 years old and he was in his 60s.  

On my Grandfather’s right pinkie finger, the first joint was fused, with a very faint scar.  I often noticed it because it didn’t bend like it was supposed to, and, being a naturally curious child, one morning over breakfast I finally asked him about it.

I didn’t realize that my Grandmother, Aunt and parents were also listening from the next room. 

“Oh, that?”  he asked, holding the finger up in the air, “….Let me tell you a story”.  He then proceeded to tell me in great and colorful detail about his hometown of Halifax, Nova Scotia Canada.  As I sat riveted, he explained that he’d grown up in a shipping village, and he painted exciting and vivid images for me of huge merchant vessels that would dock at the end of town.  He told me that his parents would often take him and his siblings down to the harbor to watch the swirl of activity as the big ships sailed in and out of this commerce center, and that as a lad he would watch in awe of it all in the crisp salty air.    

My Grandfather continued to explain that one day, when he was a small boy, about my age at the time,  one of the mighty ships had a fiery explosion that rocked the entire village, and propelled shrapnel and a hulking anchor the entire length of the village to where it landed, deeply embedded in the ground.  The hurtling colossus of iron caused massive damage as it flew through the streets of Halifax.  My Grandfather further explained that the town later built a sort of monument at the landing site.  He told me that the anchor is still there today, with a plaque that describes the tremendous and horrible explosion that delivered it to its final resting place. 

After telling this exciting and colorful story, my Grandfather opened the morning paper and started to read.  For several moments I sat silently, listening to the crinkling of his paper. 

“Grandpa…..” I finally asked, “so your finger got hurt during that explosion?”

After a pause, my Grandfather slowly lowered his paper and looked at me. 

“Heh?  Oh, no!  I cut that finger on a sardine can years ago.” He replied, matter- of- factly.

The gush of laughter from my parents let me know that my Grandpa had pulled one over on me. 

Let Him Eat Cake

My Grandfather, Grant, was a witty, religious, quiet and kind man.  He was the undeniable head of his household and patriarch of our family.  He and my Grandmother were the kind of cute, mutually respectful and loving old couple we’d all like to grow into.  Grandpa had diabetes, and wasn’t the greatest patient.  Treatment of diabetes or “sugar” in the 1960s and 70s, when Grandpa grappled with it, wasn’t as advanced as it is today, but he managed with his typical stoic way and good nature.  Still, my Grandmother, Molly, tried to keep him on schedule with his meds and proper diet, which for him meant virtually no sweets. 

Once, as an experiment, Grandma decided to make Grandpa a birthday cake from a recipe she’d found in a health magazine.  The cake recipe made the dessert safe for diabetics, using an artificial sweetener, Sucryl (this was the early 1970s, and food additives were rather primitive) a saccharine liquid. Normally, when dessert was served, Grandpa had to watch and miss out, but he never really seemed bothered.  This year would be different, and the buzz around the family was that we’d have the added excitement of enjoying Grandpa’s birthday cake along with him.  This birthday was an extra treat for all of us, in that several out of state relatives had traveled to share the celebration and have a very rare extended family reunion.

The family reunion was wonderful and fun, and when the time came for my Grandfather’s birthday dinner, everyone was looking forward to what was anticipated to be my Grandfather’s safe return to the joy of eating sweets.  After dinner was cleared, the birthday cake was brought to the table.  Candles were lit and we all sang “happy birthday”.  Grandpa also got his nose” buttered”, a repulsive custom I never fully understood. 

Finally, Grandpa’s cake was served, and Grandpa got the first big piece.  As we each took our first bites, it became immediately obvious that the sweetener gave the cake a disgusting and horrible taste, making it practically inedible.  Each of us felt panic and swallowed hard, willing away a gag reflex, not wanting to ruin this moment for Grandpa or to embarrass Grandma.  We were all willing to suffer this horrendous culinary moment for the love of our Grandparents.  After a momentary pause, my Grandfather set down his fork and said, “Well, Molly, this tastes like SHIT!”  Again, we all felt a pang of panic, but his delivery was so funny that we all burst out laughing, Grandpa and Grandma included.

Needless to say, that was the first and last time the Sucryl Cake would be served.