Samples

If you were patient and didn't really care what your house looks like, you could probably collect and mix enough one pint paint samples from the home improvement stores to paint the whole thing.

Butt Nipping

Some people say “let’s just nip this in the butt” instead of “let’s just nip this in the bud”. They may be misspeaking, but in case they aren’t, you probably should ask them for more details before you agree.

Backwards Walking

I sometimes encounter backward walking people.   And I’m talking full-speed backward walking, here.  Typically, there’s a forward walking person behind the backward walking person and they’re carrying on a conversation.   A modified version of this backward walking phenomenon is the person who technically walks forward, but all the while looking over his shoulder to a person walking behind him.   I can only assume that in both cases their conversation requires uninterrupted eye contact.  The result is a public version of the team building “trust fall” exercise.  I usually try to move to the side to avoid colliding with the backward facing walker, but sometimes (and true to the enabler in me) I simply mutter "excuse me" for having forward walked into his backward path, and effectively “catch” him in his trust fall.

The Bathroom Visitor

Sometimes when I’m in a public bathroom someone knocks at the door.  I have pretty good communication skills, but that moment usually catches me embarrassed and at a loss for a proper way to respond.  I’m not sure why I feel so awkward in this situation, but “yes” or “here” or “present” is all I can normally muster as a reply.  I wish I could just say, “I’m in here going to the bathroom.” which, although seemingly blatantly obvious, would be an honest and more informative answer, so the person knocking knows the locked door and my occupation of the room is legitimate.  I’ve also considered, “Who is it?” and “Come on in.”  While both are tempting, they seem a bit sarcastic.  So, having given this quite a bit of thought, I’ve decided that for me going forward, the most accurate, responsible and appropriate response will be, “Hi.  I’m almost done, but I’d still give it at least 30 minutes.”

Fancy Cheese Lessons

Sometimes a really good friend gives you fancy cheese as a gift, even though they know you aren’t fancy. Then, maybe you don’t realize until the first bite that it’s covered in fancy wax. Then, even though you’re by yourself, and with some embarrassment, you probably discretely and gently remove the wax and continue to eat the rest of the non-wax cheese in a sort of quiet but apologetic silence. In that moment you realize that eating fancy cheese requires extra care in case it’s coated with some kind of protection your normal non-fancy cheese doesn’t have. And then you realize, eating cheese will never again be the simple pleasure you once knew.

Moments With A Dog

[Editor’s note:  The following accounts are both true   Further, they describe events with the same dog.  And, despite the natural flow, the two moments captured here occurred months apart.  Propriety prohibits me from divulging any additional information.]

 

·         The dog did what I told her to, and so without really thinking I said, “Thank you.” For a moment we just sort of looked at each other in awkward silence, and then she went back to licking her leg. I think in her heart she knew nothing had really changed for her.

 

·         After a while, and with gentle encouragement from me and a bunch of frantic sniffing for the right spot by her, the old dog finally pooped. “Good Girl!”, I cheered. She side glanced me, trying to be nonchalant, but clearly pretty proud of her newly birthed loaf. As the sun set on the poo and dew-kissed backyard, we slowly retired to the house, ready for a milkbone and whisky toast to her latest triumph.